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We can also deduce that he is larger than a newt

You didn’t have to say “grown ass donkey” you could have just said “grown ass.”

In the book of Matthew, it says he rode two donkeys.

Matthew and Luke copy a lot of stuff from Mark, which was written first. The donkey story is there to fulfill prophesy. It was prophesied that the messiah would ride a donkey into Jerusalem. It also said he would be a king and vanquish their enemies and rule in peace and prosperity, but the New Testament authors figured riding a donkey was close enough.

So Matthew geta to the donkey story and reads the original prophesy. It says "Behold, your king is coming to you, humble, and mounted on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey."

This is a poetic way of writing about a single donkey, like saying "he drove a car, he drove a red car."

But Matthew, frankly, fucked up a lot of stuff that he wrote, and he doesn't know this, so he changes everything to plural to fit the prophesy.

So everybody else writes that Jesus had his disciples bring a donkey and they lay their cloaks on it and he sits on it and rides to town. Matthew has them bring two, they lay their cloaks on them and he sits on them and rides to town.

It's unclear how he rode two donkeys. Was one donkey on top of the other and Jesus on top of that? Was it jean Claude van-damme style with him doing the splits between them?

At any rate, if the donkeys spread the load he could have weighed 160kg.

By the way, these donkeys are stolen. Jesus tells his disciples that there was a house back there that had a donkey (or two), go get it (them) for me.

I'd let Jesus ride my ass

He could walk on water, does that give a lower limit on mass?

He definitely was on the more poor side. At least when Jesus was born.

When a son was born and presented to the temple, the parents would pay an offering. That was to be a one year old lamb for the burnt offering and one pigeon or turtledove for the sin offering, but there was a provision for the poor that could not afford to give a lamb to give two pigeons or two turtledoves.

Mary and Joseph gave two pigeons, which under the purification law would only be allowed if they were poor.

By the time he attended the wedding at Cana, Joseph was already dead. The last time he was mentioned was at the temple when Jesus was 12, and by the time of crucifizion Jesus entrusted Mary’s care to John. That wouldn’t have happened if Joseph were still alive.

Also, the book of John doesn’t mention any anointing oils whatsoever at the Wedding at Cana. Nothing in the passage marks it as particularly upscale.

John 2

On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, 2 and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3 When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”

4 “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.”

5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”

6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.

8 Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”

They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine.He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”

11 What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

12 After this he went down to Capernaum with his mother and brothers and his disciples. There they stayed for a few days.

In fact, the master of the banquet makes mention that the normal way hosts do it is to serve what good wine they have first, then the cheapest wine once everyone is drunk, but that the host of that wedding seemingly deviated from that and served the best wine last (though they had actually run out and that was unknown to the master of the banquet). More likely is that they served all the wine they could afford already, and it wasn’t all that great of wine.

That plus the fact that Mary “was there” and instructing the servants, and then “Jesus and all of his disciples had also been invited”, it would be much more likely that it was a close family friend of Mary’s that came from more modest means.

half a dinner table, i saw the painting

Depends on the size of the table, I guess 🤷🏻

I think we can be pretty sure that he was no T-Rex though. I've never seen someone try, but I'm confident that you can't crucify them with their short arms.

Yeah but that's Revelation. So it's like when Gandalf comes back as Gandalf the White. It doesn't mean his hair was always white.

That's just his SSJ form though

nothing in there about clothes, hmmmmm

Well the temple is on Earth, so smaller than the Earth, probably.