this post was submitted on 20 Oct 2026
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Don't be mean. I promise to do my best to judge that fairly.
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According to the internet, a grown ass donkey can carry up to around 80kg, and the good book says Jesus was riding one, so we should assume this is somewhat the upper limit for his mass
You didnβt have to say βgrown ass donkeyβ you could have just said βgrown ass.β
Grown ass-donkey
ass grown donkey
The XKCD hyphen bot is one thing I absolutely do not miss about Reddit.
Sorry.
We need that here.
I think that the person you are replying to meant that the donkey had a fully developed rear end (capable of carrying a heavy load), so it would be a "grown ass ass".
In the book of Matthew, it says he rode two donkeys.
Matthew and Luke copy a lot of stuff from Mark, which was written first. The donkey story is there to fulfill prophesy. It was prophesied that the messiah would ride a donkey into Jerusalem. It also said he would be a king and vanquish their enemies and rule in peace and prosperity, but the New Testament authors figured riding a donkey was close enough.
So Matthew geta to the donkey story and reads the original prophesy. It says "Behold, your king is coming to you, humble, and mounted on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey."
This is a poetic way of writing about a single donkey, like saying "he drove a car, he drove a red car."
But Matthew, frankly, fucked up a lot of stuff that he wrote, and he doesn't know this, so he changes everything to plural to fit the prophesy.
So everybody else writes that Jesus had his disciples bring a donkey and they lay their cloaks on it and he sits on it and rides to town. Matthew has them bring two, they lay their cloaks on them and he sits on them and rides to town.
It's unclear how he rode two donkeys. Was one donkey on top of the other and Jesus on top of that? Was it jean Claude van-damme style with him doing the splits between them?
At any rate, if the donkeys spread the load he could have weighed 160kg.
By the way, these donkeys are stolen. Jesus tells his disciples that there was a house back there that had a donkey (or two), go get it (them) for me.
Was thinking exact same thing reading this comment, and now I can't get that thought out of my mind
That was a damn fine rabbit hole to go down just to get to the point of setting the upperbound of the Jesus size limit to 160kg.
I'd let Jesus ride my ass
Are you ready for his coming?
I'm on my knees every night begging for it
The second coming:
Oh my god! I'm coming! Again!
Get behind me, Satan!
Pull my hair, Satan!
He could walk on water, does that give a lower limit on mass?
We can begin to extrapolate further. Broke bread, walked on water, ascended.
Christ was a duck.
Presumably hollow limbs that he could fit fish and bread into, and at least some kind of capillary network infused with some form of alcohol
No that was magic. He also applied the water walking buff on one of his friends, who then right-clicked the buff off and found out he can't swim
Well then, how can we be sure he didnβt just cast the donkey riding spell?
I checked the shaman's spellbook and they don't have that spell, only Paladins have that
Edit: to clarify, I believe Jesus was a shaman because he could walk on water, resurrect from death (ankh), and as a carpenter he was probably well capable of crafting totems. There's also documented cases of him going melee combat (with tables, mostly) and healing others too
The food trick implies that he had a friendly mage though conjuring food, though he took the credit for himself
jesus is famously a warlock, what with the getting his power from a patron deity thing.
But then he was also descended from said deity, so celestial-bloodline sorcerer would also make sense?
And through weird extradimensional time shenanigans he is also said deity? I don't understand it myself, but I'm told it makes sense in 12 dimensions.
He was also briefly undead, likely a revenant given the unfinished business.
All of this depends on the edition of the lore you read though. In the beginning he was probably just a warlock multiclassing in cleric, then a supplemental edition has him ascend to demi-god status, which was later ruled actual divinity by a local authority once the franchise changed hands. Later, some of it was retconned and toned down for being too OP in another rulebook, but famously that rulebook wasn't very well accepted even though a sizeable playerbase still exists.
There are later editions where the pathway to divinity is laid out and Jesus is one of many gods, but that rulebook is still considered niche despite some disproportionate influence.
so you're saying lich
It's a bard spell.
I'd say an upper limit on his density, if anything.
Ha or maybe he was as light as a water strider.
maybe he was three swarms of bees in a trenchcoat
Isn't it said that he's made of light? If he was made of photons, would he even have mass? Tho he might be producing raduative pressure
Yeah, everyone here seems to forget magic was involved here. For all we know he could have been 12' tall and light as a feather, with retractable beard and 5 legs.
So what are his density extremes based on this? (I am too lazy and hungry to do that calculation right now. Besides, just because I know he was "smaller than a temple" does not mean I know the likely size of that temple to get a true volume bound...)
Good question. Low enough density would explain the water walking
It's been said he's pretty holy, so probably not very dense.
That is on average I presume?
Maybe the donkey was on steroids.
Unless they had stronger donkeys back then.
Could have been a lot of selective breeding for decreased stubbornness sacrificing load capacity as a tradeoff during the last two thousand years.
They could theoretically have been capable of hauling 500lb behemoths without breaking a sweat but unwilling to follow any comnands π€·π»
Btw grown ass donkey π
The mastodonkey
I think you'll find the correct term is asstodon
Something from the Avatar beastary.
The donkeys were smaller in that period