Re: assasination
Dear Mr. Shamoon
No reason. Please proceed.
this post was submitted on 08 Oct 2025
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Dear assassin,
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
Thank you for your service
A classic!
Never mess with someone trained in gorilla warfare. Those gorillas don't mess around.
poetry lol
Copy pasta of yore
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(1 replies)
Every top assassin knows to start your emails by explaining you are in fact a top assassin.
Noone wants to be confused with a bottom assassin.
the assassassin is to be feared
If there's a "best" assassin, it stands to reason that there's also a "worst" assassin.
Maybe the worst assassins are all the friends we made along the way.
Well it would be stupid to say you are a bad assassin, think it through dummy.
Pull an "Albanian virus":
"Hi, I am an Albanian assassin but because of poor technology in my country unfortunately I am not able to assassinate you. Please be so kind to assassinate yourself and then forward me the proof. Many thanks for your cooperation! Best regards,Albanian assassin"
I relate a lot to this assassin.
think it through dummy.
Pacifier or mannequin? What kind of dummy are you thinking it through?
(The comma splice didn't have the same potential)
Hmm, I vote for "crash test".
yeah i want to get referrals from the widow and new husband
Professionals have standards
Top Assassin (in the room).
Definitely in the top three assassins on the street (depending on the street)
Once there’s 47 Re:’s in the subject of the final email a call comes in
“Contract complete. Well done 47.”
Another classic Hitman assassination of getting someone to kill themselves due to never ending meaningless emails
All you gotta do is convince them you're a bottom and they leave you alone.
Top top, or like top 10 in the graduating class?
Know what they call an assassin that graduated last in his class? "Assassin"
Everybody knows this information goes in the signature.
The scammer, seeing every Westerner saying "pull the trigger, pussy"
https://xcancel.com/alharry/status/1450288983745785862
I guess this is a phishing attempt? Would have worked on me because I immediately needed more context and had to track down the post
Now THAT'S a neat phishing attempt. Gives me a chance to role-play.
Me: "Nah, I'm a piece of shit. Come kill my ass."
"Oh, of course! You see, it's because my Social Security Number is... "
"And now, ignorant whale-lovers, we'll see who's boss when I make Mushu jump through this hoop! Jump, Mushu! "
And now, introducing Mushu the educated whale who thinks he’s BETTER than you!
Dear Assassin,
Where do I send all the corpses of you and your colleagues? I already have 2 here starting to rot.
Oh, I have traced back your address from your IP.
See you in a few hours!
This is a marine biologist. He would have fed the corpses to his various aquarium animals and ocean friends.
This must be the work of enemy stand.
Ha! Jokes on you, I welcome my assasination.
plot twist: the marine biologist is a Nigerian prince.
Dear Assasin
There are many benefits to being marine biologist
Best regards
Khalifa,
I don't know who you are. I don't know why you are asking. If you are looking for closure, I can tell you that I won't give you any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let this go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and you will know what a Marine Biologist does.
Regards
Such a weird email. Would be hilarious as a skit and the evil doer responds and is like 'Yes, 100 percent I am evil and you should assassinate me. Please do so with haste.'
OK, Dr. Horrible.
Fuckin finally. Life insurance will pay out, too.
Why would an assassin go after a Marine Biologist? Does OP happen to be Dirk Pitt?
Fantastic reference :D
Jotaro? Is that you?
Who do you think hired you?
The safe word is B̸̡̡̯͈̤̝͎̭͓̞͚͉̜͚͙́̈̀͌͌̔̂͆̿͋̾̔̀̍̚͜͝͠ͅa̵̜̠̖̫̝͙̓̒ṕ̸͈̬͎̐h̴̡̢̢̢͓͚͕͙͓̞͈͍̳̖̳͓̻̩̦̝͍̃͗͐͆͌̊͛̀̑̿̾͜͝͝͝ͅö̵͇̗̯̯̜͓̟̩̺̣̜͙͇̫͓̲̮̬̞́̈́̾̓͛̂͘͜͝m̵̧̿͐̇̐͜ͅe̴̬̞̖̲̯̗̠͑͆͐͛̂̈̈̕t̴̨̩͍̞̪̮̘̥̺̻̫͚͓̭̼̪͕̤̟̪̹̊̋̉͋̓̾͒̄͜͝͝ͅ
I'm waiting.
Shamoon-AH!
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