For preserving the least toxic and most culturally relevant Tumblr heritage posts.
Here are some OCR tools to assist you in transcribing posts:
FOSS Android Recs per u/m_f@discuss.online: 1 , 2
Don't be mean. I promise to do my best to judge that fairly.
I was a little shit in highschool and when asked a by military recruiter if I was interested in joining up, my autistic ass channeled the raw spite of the Vietnam and Korean war vets I knew and I responded "What ya wanna get fragged? There are far simpler forms of suicide." While I hold that I was well within my rights apparently the socially acceptable response to simply say no.
Also you aren't supposed to threaten to murder folks with wide eyes and a smile, I disagree.
We used to just tell them we weren't interested in dying for oil profits.
This was around 2018 so it was a good bit after that spiel would hit hard, mostly cause I'm sure they had a cookie cutter response. Responding like a feral 1970s draft dodger is a lot more likely to work as a mental flash bang and stick.
That's fair, I was in high school during the Obama years so tail end of Iraq and while they had canned answers the cultural momentum at the time was more or less that recruiters knew not to bother with kids who responded like that.
Your response was great though
Best part is I didn't even have to think it up, I was a ball of sleep deprivation and spite so that response was instinct more or less. But I've always been great with insults and taunts in less than mentally fit conditions, once when I was in a meltdown I told my great great aunt to go fuck herself she asked me if I knew what that meant to which I responded "I don't fucken care go open a dictionary." which was extra amusing since she taught me to check the meaning of words before I used them.
Simply relatable.
Is it me, or are 95% of these not misread social cues but just pronunciation fuckups?
I was thinking the same thing. But they're entertaining!
Feels like low-rated chess, where you can distract your opponent by making a move on the other side of the board. Just by mentioning mispronunciations, people were attracted to them.
Alternatively, many of them might be bots that didn't understand the "prompt".
Taking a break from running a TV camera at an event, I said to another camera operator who was in a wheelchair, "It feels great to get out of there and just walk around!" He considered this for a moment and just replied, "Yeah."
Holy hell I haven't laughed like that in months my god, thank you so much
Dude I'm fucking wheezing while having hotel breakfast. What is this style of humor called? It's like a perfect combination of all my worst fears somehow made hilarious.
A couple decades ago, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend who said she just tested positive for Chlamydia and recommended I get myself tested, just to be safe.
I went to my doctor, who had a bunch of questions about my sexual health before he administered the test. One of the questions he asked was, "do you use condoms?"
Of course, the answer was "yes," but for some reason, my mouth defaulted to the word, "no."
I was about to correct myself, but out of nowhere, the doctor screamed in my face, "Are you STUPID?!" I was so stunned by his sudden outburst, I froze on the spot.
He them proceeded to lecture me on proper sexual safety, half shouting at me. It was too late to fix the mistake; I felt like he'd think I was backpedaling to stay out of trouble at that point. I resigned myself to sitting through a lengthy, angry lecture.
By the way, I tested negative. My doctor was genuinely surprised. I was not.
That is an insane response from the doctor! I mean, is it bad to not use condoms? Yeah! But shout lecturing the patient is like. Not going to make them start using them, it's going to make them lie so they don't have that happen again!
For the record, this was while I was serving in the US military. I had a military doctor, and we were used to being yelled at when we made mistakes, so his reaction wasn't too surprising to me. What shocked me was that he was so calm and quiet before that moment. I didn't see it coming, and it took me a moment to process why I was suddenly being yelled at.
The idea that even the doctor yells at you in the military makes it sound like an unhinged place
I mean, it's a career where you sign up to maybe die at 18 by giving up all your autonomy. So... yes.
In a Japanese language course, students were assigned native speaker penpals. I had asked some pretty boring questions in the first letter like how old are you, what are your hobbies, etc. The teacher proofread the letters before we sent them. The feedback I got: you really don't need to ask what nationality they are, there's only one country that uses Japanese. I turned beet red on that one.
That's just stupid honestly. There are plenty of non-Japanese people living in Japan, who often have children.
I was working at a local auto parts store and two of my coworkers were commiserated about how their first month they'd both answer the phones with, "thank you for calling Autozone." Instead of the store name out of reflex. We all had a laugh and I proceeded to immediately answer the next call with "thank you for calling Autozone."
I've never worked at Autozone.
Back when cell phones were uncommon I did the sentence merge thing. When the GF came home I said "Hi mom." Instead of "Hi [GF], your mom called." She and her coworker who had come over for dinner didn't know what to say.
When I was in middle school I walked straight through the middle of a fight. Even went right between the two dudes who were throwing punches at each other. I was really confused as to why people were bunched up in the hallway until an old teacher who used to be in the military came out and started yelling at the top of his lungs.
I was a server at TGIF. New menu item - the Cedar-seared salmon Caesar salad. Try saying that fast.
Anyways, can't remember if I was repeating the order back or what, but I said "cedar-seared Caesar semen salad" and paused for a second, made a face and pretended I didn't say it. Noone said anything and I avoided the table as much as I could.
When my kid was but a newborn, they were having trouble latching. We had to take them in for a very small procedure to get them to be able to feed properly. I could see their mother was having trouble dealing with it, so I tried to say "the doctor says it won't hurt" and "do you want me to hold [the kid]?" Ended up saying "do you want me to hurt them?"
The doctor counseled against that action.
On a separate event, years before that kid was born, I had to take my first dog to the vet and he had to get a shot. He was clearly nervous but the vet tech was holding him, so I rubbed his neck and ear to comfort him throughout. Only just as they were finishing up did I realize I had also, entirely accidentally, been rubbing the vet tech's hand. She didn't say anything until I realized and apologized profusely, but it was still mortifying.
edit: Punctuation.
I've been on the opposite side of that, with a human patient.
Was providing some care that required me to support the patient with one hand while doing some less than comfortable work (impaction removal). The patient's daughter was rubbing his shoulder, only my hand was there, so she was actually rubbing my wrist.
She didn't realize it until I had to shift my position with that hand and warned her I was going to be moving. Like you, she got embarrassed and apologized. I just shrugged and said it was no biggie, I would have said something but I was concentrating and needed the moral support. Which turned it into a mutually humorous thing, so we had a good laugh.
That sounds like a mutually beneficial thing, then!
My aunt, a nurse, once told me of how manual impaction removals are. I was never quite sure whether to believe her (she liked to go for shock value) but eventually found out she was telling the truth.
That was some twenty years ago. Once or twice since, whilst struggling on my own, I've hoped that the process has improved since then.
Lmao! If only it could be improved.
I always hated doing them, not because of the nature of the job but because even when I was younger, my hands (and therefore fingers) were on the large side. Large hands means large fingers. I guess you can see where that would be a detrimental trait for impaction removal lol.
At one point, I wore a size 15 ring and my company had to special order gloves for me. And that was roughly around the same time as that patient. So the fingers I had to use were bigger than 15 by a good bit. Plus, I was still lifting some, but had taken up a casual practice of what's called iron palm training. That's where you repeatedly slam your hands into things to make them tougher. That's an exaggeration, it isn't all that harsh, but still.
So I ended up telling the one company I worked for that I really needed to not be doing them. The supervisor at the time was a pretty great lady, but she didn't quite get the issue. I took a risk and just slapped my hand down on the desk with my index and middle fingers out and asked her if she'd like me to help her clear her bowels. It worked! I cleared her bowels and got a raise.
Nah, that last part is obviously a joke, but I did get her cooperation lol
Next time I'm constipated, I'm not calling you.
You sure? I'm told I have a reassuring voice that almost makes it an enjoyable process
You know what? If it ever gets to that point, perhaps I'll reconsider in the moment.
Have gloves, will travel reads the card of a man!
Half asleep walking to work I said hello back to a guy. Turned out he was talking to someone on the phone with earbuds.
Friend of mine was moritified when I asked a Mormon elder who started talking to us if they still believed in bigamy. She thought I meant sodomy.
Also, one of the commenters here said they worked at a dog hotel? Is that a thing?
In retrospect this is barely a tumblr post, but it's still really funny
Got into an elevator with a woman who told me what button to press. Hesitated so bad I said "sorry I'm blind". She looked mortified, pressed the button, and I had to stare off as if I were rily blind
How would they have pressed the button for themselves?! Elevator buttons have braile!!