Ask Lemmy

You're not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.

NTA. You can’t expect much quality “catching up” with a toddler and a baby around. That’s not your fault.

The important part is to be sensitive to her feelings. Be honest and say that you’re uncomfortable around kids. She may not be in a position to leave the kids with someone else. Being a single mom can be pretty damn stressful and lonely, but if you’re not okay with kids, then she needs to respect your feelings, too. Let her down gently. Be kind.

Do a Video call? I mean at least then the kids can't physically annoy you.

My parents do video calls with relatives in different cities, and even to different countries.

If the kids are screaming in the background, you can then just easily find some excuse to end the call early.

You tell her that you want to see her, but without the kids

It sounds like you don't want to see her in the first place, and if you don't have a close enough relationship to be able to say that you don't want the kids there, then I'd be asking why you would have coffee with them at all

It's tricky, and I wish you good luck!

Look, I'm honestly the same way. I'm bad with kids, I don't do well around them, and to me they're annoying. I'm the same way, my friends before and after kids are two separate people. Everyone says "that is what life does though", well, yeah, but I liked my friends.

So for you, it sounds like it already happened but you just need to decide if they're still friends. There's exactly 2 that I stayed friends with after they had kids, and it's because I don't want to lose their friendship and also they have very polite kids.

So, you're not an asshole for not wanting to see them. However, you also need to acknowledge they're not the same person with kids, and they aren't going to just ignore their kids to be friends with you. Expecting that is asshole behavior. Just get friends without kids

I've had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.

People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it's not like it would change much for you. Just say that you're not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there's a date and time that's convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that's her problem and you can write her off. If she's understanding, that's great!

No. You are not a dick. Your colleague is. Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do.

I think it's reasonable to respond with something like "I'm really not a kid person, I don't much enjoy talking about kids or being around kids. I'm still happy to meet for coffee, but maybe we plan to keep it a short chat and see how it goes?"

They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.

Many places will have toy areas for kids, maybe you can find one (or ask if they can suggest one since they are more likely to know which ones nearby have that). A 2 year old can probably keep themselves mostly entertained off and on for 30 mins or an hour, depending on the specific kid and if there are a good selection of toys. The 6 month old will need more attention but may well spend a lot of the time sleeping.

An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text.

I don't want to put you off, but I'd probably have a plan for what you're going to do if they start a MLM pitch.

I mean, you're not a dick, but it will come across that way. She may not have the support structure behind her to be ABLE to get any free time away from the kids. Sometimes this can alienate women and kill any social outlets they have - which is why married couples becomes so introverted after years of marriage. You've gotta look out for your own life, so do what you want - but I'm not sure there's anything you can do 100% that will make her for sure understand.

If you want to be the best person, offer to cover a babysitter (if you're able).

No you aren't and you could just respectfully decline for personal reasons.

NTA yet. You're not an asshole if you think that way, but you could be depending on how you act

If you suggested a kid free meetup and they said they would bring the kids anyway then the conversation is over - if you tell them you don't want anything to do with their kids then they will think YTA and you won't catchup, which is worse than now where you just won't catchup

Maybe just tell them you're going somewhere kids can't come like a bar, and politely decline any offers to meetup elsewhere

I think I need more details. Why can’t they find childcare? Single mom? No family?

It’s fine to prefer no distractions but at a certain point, you need to meet people where they are.

There’s probably a polite way to suggest something like “I’d love to meet up but maybe we could do it during your lunch break at work so we don’t have distractions.”

These responses are as varied as you can get

No you're totally reasonable lol

Not unless you want to be babysitting them one day.

Maybe I'm biased but my two cents is no. Not at all.

I think people who impose their kids on others are the assholes.

The thing with new parents is that they are, in my experience, completely devoid of any personality they used to have. They may have been fun people at some point, but once they get pregnant, it's pretty much all they can talk about.

I've got some close friends who are on the cusp of becoming parents but my wife and I have made it quite clear we are not at all interested in that part of their lives. And they accept that.

Especially seeing as how you've not spoken to this person for some time, 'catching up' is out of the question if children are involved. Unless they're passed out or whatever. It seems to me this person is just looking for an excuse to talk about their children for a couple of hours while you politely nod and agree. For them, the best case scenario is that you're as happy to be around those kids as they are.

I think you can set boundaries if you are not looking forward to meeting with the kids around.

I actually would love to meet my best friend's kids. I haven't seen him in person since he got married (he lives 2 states away), and I wanna see how much his kids are like him 🤣

Maybe look at it from a different perspective: You could get through a single afternoon with her and her kids; she has to be with the kids every single day and probably doesn't get to talk to old friends often.

Coffee is not good for babies, save the babies, don't meet her. Call child protection. I don't think she is your friend if she is giving her babies coffee.

Her kids - her problems, you don't have to deal with that.

Yes, you’re the arsehole. She’s not asking you to raise the kids, they’re just going to be there while you catch up. You don’t want to meet up with her because of the 2 most important things in her life, so I’d expect she won’t ask you again. Ever.