Ask Lemmy

Weeeell... I have only known two kinds of people, those who take a look, and those who lie. I guess I haven't met many asexuals in my life yet. If you want to have fun, try hanging out at a social spot like the park, pool, cafe or whatever, and watch people watch people.

Don't be creepy, don't stare, don't make someone else uncomfortable, that goes without saying. One glance is a compliment, 10s of staring is bad. Time and place matter as well, someone who wears clothing that stands out at a place where it could be expected to stand out, well, can expect to stand out. There were two guys in crop tops at the gym the other day, and man, those sixpacks had me question my sexuality for a second.

As with all things, if it makes you stop enjoy life, or not be a good part of society, your social circles, family, job and so on, take steps to correct it, obviously, because then it crosses over into compulsive or addictive territory.

And, as a last thing, you are more than the little voice inside your head. That little voice is not going to go away soon, but there is more to life than being horny. Captain of your soul and all that shit. Enjoy your libido to the fullest when you can, tell it to fuck off and shut up when inappropriate.

I will change my walking route to innocently walk past them and steal another look.

Yeah that's something you should probably stop doing. People notice, and it might not look as innocent as you might think. Many among them will act as if they didn't notice in order to avoid a confrontation. Just stay on your route please.

Having a quick glance at something that attracts you is normal. Being sneaky about it is where the behaviour needs to be corrected, or, at least questioned. I think you'll be okay in the long run as you seem to posses self-awareness, which a lot of people have not cultivated in themselves. You are different in exactly the same way that everyone else is.

You sound a bit thirsty but otherwise reasonably normal.

An appreciative, furtive glance is received vastly different to a lecherous stare. Be aware of what your face is doing.

If a girl even remotely suspects a man is following her then 99.9% of the time you will cause terrible fear. It’ll never occur to her that you were just temporarily detouring to appreciate an ass so fine you want to build a temple for it.

Remember that the world in your head and the world outside your head are different places with different rules. Outcomes can vary.

Try talking to a sex therapist.

you're just spiritually italian or french or sth xD

seriously though, idk. i think it has to do with age or sth, i think it does get less with age? i'm not sure.

At the gym or going for a walk I'm always looking at someone, not staring my eyes wander and honestly more of my attention is on my audio book than the people I'm looking at. I can't exactly help it, what else am I supposed to do, stare blankly at the wall? My eyes need to be looking at something and people are constantly changing and moving. And yes I am more inclined to look at attractive people I think everyone is. I've always thought people who just look straight ahead and never at the people around them are psychotic.

It’s called hypersexuality and is a symptom of many different things.

You know that phenomena where you buy a yellow car, and then you suddenly see yellow cars everywhere?

Brains are really suggestible.

You don't need to be ashamed, if your brain has gotten into a habit you don't appreciate, or is negatively affecting your life, it's something you can work on.

Gals are pretty, I'm not attracted to them, myself, but I absolutely get it.

What you want is to feel like you're in control of enjoying looking, and not that it's a compulsion, like it's driving you. That's gotta be almost taking all the pleasure out of it for you. I could imagine that would be hugely annoying.

Just start by noticing other things, go out specifically to see something, birds, trees, bugs, water, boats, whatever you find interesting, and start retraining your brain towards something else, if you try "not" to look at something, it's still the main focus, if you try not to look at girls, the focus is still girls, it's easier to help your brain notice other things. Count how many of something you see. Just let your brain notice girls as you go, notice what it's telling you and then move back to what you were looking at redirecting towards.

You don't have to do what your brain tells you to do, you aren't your "thinking brain", you are the entity that observes your thoughts, you might be inadvertently feeding those thoughts into a bigger thing than you want them to be, by actioning on them. I would suggest, try not walking or actioning them. That feeds that wolf, which is perfectly normal and fine, but hes just gotten a little too much for the space you want him to occupy.

This is all ok, its a perfectly normal, developmental stage. It will calm down on its own, too, don't stress.

assume you are doing a " feral gaze" some people might catch you doing that, and get creeped out and will snatch you dirty looks, i advise dont do that. its the staring and potential low-key following that is a little creepy. if you stare more than a few seconds , or start following them as you said its lowkey you need to avoid doing that. because now you might be seen as a suspicious person to avoid. intentionally passing by them or following is a little to strong beyond just gazing. do you watch porn alot or at all? or anything related to porn. ive seen this in other forums where they cant stop thinking about sex, opposite or same sex when they indulged too much on porn, it just increases thier urges. assuming you arnt doing that that. the first thing is probably stop following them or going near them, just to get another glance at them.

i dint mention, but the longer you glance at them, they will notice that someone is watching them instinctively and they would look up often in your direction and start acting wierd around you. if this is bothering you too much, you might want to see someone about it, or if too embarrsed try to find a forum with others that have similar experiences.

A look or two is normal. Looking at sexy people scratches the feelgood brain bits. Changing your path to gawk is getting a bit sketchy. You should probably masturbate a bit more often, or better yet, find someone to share orgasms with. You're craving it.

You had me up until you said you would change your route.

I see a nice ass, I’ll take another look. I won’t alter course to walk past again though. I feel like that needs addressing.

I’m going to be honest that your “infatuation”, as it were, with all women seems fairly extreme to me. I do look at all people as they go by, and might think to myself “damn, she was cute”, but for me that’s about it. I might steal an extra look, but only rarely.

As you say yourself, you think they notice and I think you’re right. You also mention that you don’t like it but just “let yourself get away with it”. Maybe it’s worth trying to not let yourself get away with it? Make a conscious effort to stop? Self improvement is possible and even quite rewarding at times! And self control doesn’t come naturally to the rest of us either. I wouldn’t think this kind of behaviour is particularly healthy for you, but that’s just my two cents. Best of luck!

I don't fantasize about people sexually (most of the time) but I look at everyones asses. It's just where my eyes naturally rest when I'm walking around

Married 23 years. Not interested in other women but I find women generally to be beautiful. It's like looking at art to me. Every painting has It's own beauty. It's just nice to look and appreciate then move on with my day.

Much of this is normal for guys from my own and other guys experiences. Heck my wife is the kind to point out other chicks. What Im not sure if any girl is going to but I can say that like if a girl has a low cut top it becomes really annoying talking with them. I have to like lock onto their forehead or such because if it comes into visual ranges its almost impossible not to look at it without an act of will. Ill tell ya to im like an old guy. old enough anyway. So the hormones or whatnot do not go away. I mean honestly most sitcoms make fun of the horny guy thing all the time. That does not come from no where. SNL actually had this skit where it was supposed to be a new syle of mens pants where there was a window to show like the area around where the cock and balls meet without showing all of any of it and then the guys where telling the girls. hey my eyes are up here.

Cis male who’s much older than you: you’re not alone, but my drive to do so has tapered over time. Polite society is, in large part, about overcoming primal caveman (or “lizard-brain”) urges. Primal urges are different for different people.

I mean I assume you don't have much sex or a girlfriend or anything.

In that case, at least from what I know from myself or my friends, this desire to look is completely normal. I think you might follow that desire a little bit too much (as it is something you can control), but the base feeling you have is something most men experience.

Your nature is telling you to approach women and have sex with them. For some reason, you don't, maybe because you're scared, socially anxious, people have told you being sexual is terrible, whatever. This part of your nature is very strong, and as it seems the only thing left for you is looking, of course you're going to want to do it.

If you actually approach women and have a healthy sex life, that desire probably goes down, but of course now you've also made it a kind of compulsive habit, so it might be hard to break.

It's honestly quite ridiculous to me that you're ashamed of looking at sexually attractive people. Despite what some radical feminists or whoever will tell you, just looking and being sexually attracted is nothing shameful. It's more likely that this shame itself is causing the issue, since you're sexual, yet that is for some reason shameful so you can't satisfy it, causing you to have more of a sexual desire since you have so little of actual action.

Sexuality is our main drive, it is constant, and there's nothing wrong with it as long as you inquire about people's boundaries and respect them.

I have similar issues, though maybe not quite as intense as yours. I also have ADHD, and my eyes "wander" more when I am unmedicated. I think it's kind of like being drawn to shiny things, but there's also an element of objectification to it, which is the part that makes me uncomfortable.

I think checking people out is OK and human, but if you're going out of your way to walk places where there will be more people available to look at, maybe you need to reflect on what you're really after. Are you single? Lonely?

There are lots of interesting things to focus on that are not women's bodies existing out in public. If you're finding it hard to focus on anything but butts, might be worth talking to a therapist about. Idk, just my $0.02.

I’m a woman I assume men “look at me” in the way you’re talking about, I also often look at men in similar ways, albeit with significantly less urgency, as long as the person looking isn’t leering or ogling the other person I don’t think it’s a problem. If you do happen to make eye contact a simple nice smile and getting on with your day is the best friendly/non threatening way to diffuse it acting shady like you got caught doing something bad makes it seem like that.

It’s normal just be discreet and respectful if you do happen to be caught

just going to offer an alternative perspective here. im a trans woman and lean towards being a lesbian. i found myself similarly obsessed with women to various degrees throughout my life pre transition. part of it was certainly hormonal, just being really horny and lonely, but another part was the dysphoria and intense gender envy i would get seeing attractive women just existing. i wanted to be them so badly, but i didn't realize it because it went along with my sexual desire so often. things got better when i was in a relationship but it never really stopped. nothing i did seemed to resolve those feelings.

a couple years ago i realized im trans and a bit after started hormonal transition. the sexual obsession stopped pretty much immediately and i felt much better about my attraction to women. it feels much healthier and less insistent now. part of that was the temporary drop in my libido, but girl horny feels so different and just better to me.

i see a lot of myself in how you describe your feelings, so i figured id mention the possibility that you could be trans too. no one can tell you whether you are or not but you, so it might be worth exploring, just to see.

So what you want to do is lick your teeth. Not your lips. Look me in the eyes. Lick your teeth between your teeth and your lips but do not lip your licks.

If you're a heterosexual man you're probably gonna find most/a good chunk of women until they're in their 40s attractive to very attractive and have some natural bodily reaction to it. That's just how it is, that's how we became billions. A man must control his horny and his angry, that's our responsibility, at the very least their expressions, in order to remain moral and prosocial. One thing I can say is that, if you're in love and getting busy often with your one and only, you stop being so sexually obsessed with other women, in a very deep and perhaps biological level. That's what I've found out at least, and I've been with my lady for a little over a decade now and all of my friends except two very good lads are women. I've never crossed a boundary nor have I even wanted to. 🤷👍

So, don't worry, you're just a horny young (late 20s is young) man because of the hormones, if anything it's healthy, it's how our ancestors had to be to get out of the caves. Focus on love, find your one and it'll kinda go away. ✌️

I will also chime in and say - this is totally fucking normal.

The modern media and social environment are very sex negative. Of course, it pays lip service to sex positivity - but go find a piece of popular media where the protagonist has lots of sex and enjoys it and doesn't go through a character arc of "getting over 'meaningless' sex" and realizing it is all about wholesome, feel-good, family friendly looooove.

And then, here you are on lemmy, a left leaning online space, where male sexual desire especially tends to be demonized. You may have noticed that women tend to have "kinks", like D/s, praise, or impact play, which are fun and sexy, while men tend to have fetishes, like feet, or asians, or certain ages, which are weird and gross and "problematic".

And if you go searching for some positive interpretation of your sexuality, or help in working through your issues, you will most likely end up in the manosphere, which.... uhhhh.... yeah, don't even look.

So let me be someone who will tell you - you're fucking fine. This is normal. You're a guy. You wanna fuck hot girls. This is the most normal thing in the world. If you see a hot girl, look at her, appreciate her hotness, be grateful you got to enjoy it, and move on with your day. The fact is, women go to great lengths to stay in shape, take care of their skin, and wear sexy clothes because they want men to look at them. Of course, this being Lemmy, there is a high probability that someone will come in with the nonsense about "it's about self expression"/"X isn't inherently sexual"/"it's the pATriARcHy!!!!". BULLSHIT! Women dress up hot so that people will look at them and see how hot they are. You know how I know? Because dozens of women I know in real life have told me literally exactly this. They tell me they're going to the gym to get a huge ass. They tell me they wore this form fitting crop top to show off their boobs. They tell me they noticed me looking at their cleavage and liked it. I even had one female friend complain about "what is wrong with men these days?" because she went for a jog in the park in a sports bra and yoga pants and didn't get a single wolf whistle (note: I do not recommend wolf whistleing, and this friend is kinda weird - I just bring it up to illustrate my larger point). Women like it when attractive guys notice and appreciate their own attractiveness! Even if they are in a relationship or not looking for anything now or don't feel like talking to anyone in that moment, most people still like it when they feel like other people think they are hot.

All the complaints you see online are about unattractive and unfiltered guys staring at women. The obese, unshaved, bald guy in his mid 50s with ketchup stains down his shirt who stares at a girl's tits for 15 minutes? Yeah, not many women like that. Why? Because

1. Staring at her tits implies sex, and she has a visceral reaction of disgust when she imagines having sex with this man, and
2. Because he is staring at her tits without regard for who might notice, he is demonstrating a lack of social acuity that might imply other social deviance - like an openness to raping her. So she feels scared.

But if you, at the very least, dress and groom yourself like you give a shit, and then only give big ol' titties a passing glance, then the vast majority of women will either not care (it's normal) or take it as a small compliment.

A piece of advice I've missed here:

Being interested in girls it's nothing weird. But the thing I think you really want is to get to know them better. The only way to do that is to talk to them. That way you even get to look at them a bit longer (focus on the eyes).

I'm not a hero at this and learned it at way a later age than yourself. And it takes a bit of courage to do. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

And the more comfortable about talking to women you get, the more confident you become, and that makes you more attractive than any set of biceps or perfect abs.

So get training! Get some talking points and go out there and try talking. You might think you fail a vile of times, but the thing is you don't, really. Generally people like attention and if you fumble your words a bit clumsily you might actually be attractive (Hugh Grant built a career on that).

So set yourself some targets and don't give up until your cringe weans off, it will happen and you'll feel better about yourself.

And maybe, but this may absolutely not be your main goal, but just maybe you might even get to look at them in greater detail than you'd ever bargain for. But the main thing is being genuinely interested in them as a person.

It's normal & I don't care, only care about behavior - I expect straight guys are looking at women, aware of attractive women, notice nice figures, men are very visual in general, nothing bad about it. And I expect gay guys are constantly checking out men as well.

Bad is remarking on it all the time, touching, staring really hard when the lady looks uncomfortable about the staring, looking at boobs when someone is talking to you - you already know all this! Just noticing, you aren't going to be able to turn that off and ought not if you could.

Me, I notice looks but not often turned on by anyone's look. And I notice guys looking and do not care, don't think it means anything.

When you look around at women I think the major difference between creepy vs not creepy is whether you're furtively and ineffectively trying to hide it vs smiling and being open. If a woman notices you looking, to smile and maybe give a little nod before looking away is friendly. Fearfully glancing away and then sneakily looking back is creepy. And if she acknowledges your smile and nod with a smile and nod of her own, it might indicate a bit of interest. Or not. But you have to let go of the idea that you're peeping out through the window blinds afraid of the world, and since this is bothering you so much I would strongly suggest looking into a little therapy.