I'm making this post on a throwaway anonymous account because I want to ask something about how my mind works that I'm deeply ashamed of, and I want to hear honest opinions of other people's perspective - probably mostly men but ofc anyone is welcome to answer. I'm obviously a man, in my late 20's.
It's about seeing attractive people in public. I'm talking about seeing girls but I guess it applies to anyone you're attracted to.
I know I'm not supposed to stare but I can't help it. Little glances when I think they're not looking, looking at their bum or chest or face or legs. I will change my walking route to innocently walk past them and steal another look. If they're nearby it's like they occupy my mind and I have to keep looking, and I keep thinking about them and picturing them nude and imagining putting my hands on them. Never interacting, never saying anything, never openly staring, but just internally in my head.
tbh it's not even just attractive girls, it's basically all girls. If any girl has walked past me in the street or the store or on a bus, I have almost certainly checked her out. When I'm driving my head will turn away from the road to look at a girl on the sidewalk as I pass. I went to the beach this weekend and I couldn't keep my eyes in front of me because of all of the girls in bikinis, and some of them undoubtedly noticed me looking.
It's like I'm constantly scoping out everyone in my vicinity at all times, and always looking at their boobs and bums semi-consciously, and I can't really stop. I know it's horrible and creepy, and it probably makes them uncomfortable, but I kind of let it happen anyway. And I can't even say why really.. it's not like I get pleasure from looking at them, or that I'm looking for someone who I could approach or anything. There's literally no reason for it. It's just this passive activity that my brain automatically does to all girls at all times. And.. I will pick a different route to walk along a more busy street just because I know there will be more girls to look at.
When a guy walks past I probably couldn't tell you what he was wearing, or his hairstyle, or what he looks like. I don't notice. But when a girl walks past I notice all the details of her appearance, her body shape, her boobs in particular, her hair and face. I'm kinda disgusted by this aspect of my mind.
Obviously I know people find other people attractive and check people out. But.. is it this constant for everyone? Are you unable to keep your eyes and mind away when someone attractive walks past? Does looking at others' bodies constantly occupy your mind when you're in public? Or am I just so starved that it's broken my brain? Is this internal obsession with girls' bodies just what it's like to be a straight guy.. or am I different??
I will also chime in and say - this is totally fucking normal.
The modern media and social environment are very sex negative. Of course, it pays lip service to sex positivity - but go find a piece of popular media where the protagonist has lots of sex and enjoys it and doesn't go through a character arc of "getting over 'meaningless' sex" and realizing it is all about wholesome, feel-good, family friendly looooove.
And then, here you are on lemmy, a left leaning online space, where male sexual desire especially tends to be demonized. You may have noticed that women tend to have "kinks", like D/s, praise, or impact play, which are fun and sexy, while men tend to have fetishes, like feet, or asians, or certain ages, which are weird and gross and "problematic".
And if you go searching for some positive interpretation of your sexuality, or help in working through your issues, you will most likely end up in the manosphere, which.... uhhhh.... yeah, don't even look.
So let me be someone who will tell you - you're fucking fine. This is normal. You're a guy. You wanna fuck hot girls. This is the most normal thing in the world. If you see a hot girl, look at her, appreciate her hotness, be grateful you got to enjoy it, and move on with your day. The fact is, women go to great lengths to stay in shape, take care of their skin, and wear sexy clothes because they want men to look at them. Of course, this being Lemmy, there is a high probability that someone will come in with the nonsense about "it's about self expression"/"X isn't inherently sexual"/"it's the pATriARcHy!!!!". BULLSHIT! Women dress up hot so that people will look at them and see how hot they are. You know how I know? Because dozens of women I know in real life have told me literally exactly this. They tell me they're going to the gym to get a huge ass. They tell me they wore this form fitting crop top to show off their boobs. They tell me they noticed me looking at their cleavage and liked it. I even had one female friend complain about "what is wrong with men these days?" because she went for a jog in the park in a sports bra and yoga pants and didn't get a single wolf whistle (note: I do not recommend wolf whistleing, and this friend is kinda weird - I just bring it up to illustrate my larger point). Women like it when attractive guys notice and appreciate their own attractiveness! Even if they are in a relationship or not looking for anything now or don't feel like talking to anyone in that moment, most people still like it when they feel like other people think they are hot.
All the complaints you see online are about unattractive and unfiltered guys staring at women. The obese, unshaved, bald guy in his mid 50s with ketchup stains down his shirt who stares at a girl's tits for 15 minutes? Yeah, not many women like that. Why? Because
But if you, at the very least, dress and groom yourself like you give a shit, and then only give big ol' titties a passing glance, then the vast majority of women will either not care (it's normal) or take it as a small compliment.