AskLemmy

For long term relationships, trust, respect, and freindship are the most important things. Looks fade. Health fades. Economic foundations change. If you have those fundamentals then long-term relationships will work. If you think the missing spark is going to drive you to cheat on the other person, or leave you eternally dissatisfied and frustrated, then you could be right - keep looking. What is most important to you? How much do you really trust and respect your partner?

Proceed with caution, but give yourself some time. Six months out from a serious relationship is not that long. It is inevitable that you are still doing comparisons and the like. You need some time for your new partner to settle into your life a bit. That being said, attractiveness fades, so if you want to spend forever with this one, you better make sure you got more than just a physical attraction going on. Also it doesn't have to be the forever one, you can have some a fun and fulfilling time with someone without committing to forever. Don't worry so much about some planner future and just enjoy spending time with her. That might settle your worries naturally. Good luck!

Chemistry can develop over time, but it depends on both parties being intentional about all of: opening up their vulnerabilities, trying new things, and being both honest and forthright. You can ask her to try being more feminine. Not in general, just, say, for one evening, and see if that does anything for either of you.

As others have said, you're also fresh out of a LTR and jumped right into another. There's a word for that, it's not nice word, and it's generally understood that those kind of relationships don't last. That's okay. As long as you don't hurt the other person while you're doing it, anyway. It takes time to shake off the habits and expectations if the previous relationship, and you haven't given yourself very much in the time department. It sounds like you're doing your best to examine and release those biases right now, which is laudable, but it does take time... and for most people, time alone.

One last thing: You mention wanting to settle down soon, but is that what your new partner wants? Have you talked about it? If she doesn't want that this whole thing is a moot point anyway.

Give it another month or three, I'd say, since there are too many variables at play to know what might be the issue, and chemistry can totally improve between people, especially if any lack of it at the beginning could be due to not having yet had the time to get fully comfortable with one another.

Definitely don't force yourself into a lifelong relationship that feels wrong. But don't assume that a lifelong relationship feels 100% perfect off the bat, either. For all you know, your partner has an amazing but off-kilter or dark sense of humor, and it hasn't come out fully because it's still early days. Or she's got the absolute best vibes for just chilling around the house with, or finding fun new things or whatever, but everything feels a little formal and stilted right now because it's the intro phase of the relationship. (16 years into my relationship with my wife and perfect partner, it's often hard to remember that it also started with the standard, awkward getting to know each other and stressful first dates etc.)

And maybe you come to change a little bit too, and as you get a more complete picture of this person as a partner, you come to value her differences from others as positive.

That's obviously the ideal and not an uncommon path for a relationship to take, but you also can't force it to be the case. I have seen people stay together because it makes sense on paper, and years later realize they just don't enjoy having conversations together because their communication styles/paradigms are so different. And in that case, it was sort of obvious to everyone that they had lacked chemistry the whole time. They were each very nice, but neither seemed completely natural with the other, which was always awkward for everyone else lol.

I'd try to approach the next months with the optimism that this is going to evolve into a truly fulfilling relationship, and do what it would take to get there. If you're not 100% in on that, then you'll only continue to feel doubt. But, if after a while the evidence continues to point the other way, have the confidence that you both deserve and can find someone you'll feel at ease and in love with. There's no right age for it, and no one deserves any less.

The chemistry is indeed that – chemistry.

It is based on the immune systems of your two. Information about that is encoded in pheromones that you produce all the time on your skin. If the two of you have very different immune systems, you will find each other "magically" attractive, no matter what. And if they are very similar, "there won't be a spark".

For me that is all that matters. If you have this biochemical compatibility, you both are much more ready to solve all kinds of quarrels that you always encounter when sharing a life and you are very unlikely to ever break up. I would never start a serious relationship if this important biological piece is missing. And it's something you cannot do anything about.