I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to put words on 'paper'
I'm 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.
I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways however there is a thought or feeling I just can't escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.
My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together.
She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she's really pretty when they've met her however I don't feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.
My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I'm dating isn't feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that's a turn off for me.
I didn't even realize femininity mattered this much to me.
I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who's logistics fit so well with mine it's honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.
I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:
- Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist?
- Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because it doesn't feel right?
- I'm getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
- Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?
My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help
Give it another month or three, I'd say, since there are too many variables at play to know what might be the issue, and chemistry can totally improve between people, especially if any lack of it at the beginning could be due to not having yet had the time to get fully comfortable with one another.
Definitely don't force yourself into a lifelong relationship that feels wrong. But don't assume that a lifelong relationship feels 100% perfect off the bat, either. For all you know, your partner has an amazing but off-kilter or dark sense of humor, and it hasn't come out fully because it's still early days. Or she's got the absolute best vibes for just chilling around the house with, or finding fun new things or whatever, but everything feels a little formal and stilted right now because it's the intro phase of the relationship. (16 years into my relationship with my wife and perfect partner, it's often hard to remember that it also started with the standard, awkward getting to know each other and stressful first dates etc.)
And maybe you come to change a little bit too, and as you get a more complete picture of this person as a partner, you come to value her differences from others as positive.
That's obviously the ideal and not an uncommon path for a relationship to take, but you also can't force it to be the case. I have seen people stay together because it makes sense on paper, and years later realize they just don't enjoy having conversations together because their communication styles/paradigms are so different. And in that case, it was sort of obvious to everyone that they had lacked chemistry the whole time. They were each very nice, but neither seemed completely natural with the other, which was always awkward for everyone else lol.
I'd try to approach the next months with the optimism that this is going to evolve into a truly fulfilling relationship, and do what it would take to get there. If you're not 100% in on that, then you'll only continue to feel doubt. But, if after a while the evidence continues to point the other way, have the confidence that you both deserve and can find someone you'll feel at ease and in love with. There's no right age for it, and no one deserves any less.
Thanks I appreciate the time and effort you put into that. Yea that makes sense, it's great hearing these things and talking about it.
I feel I can't talk to my friends or family about this because there is a timeline where she becomes my wife, and then I don't want the people close to us to have known that I felt this way in the beginning. I'd always want to put my partner in the best light, even if it's just a hypothetical partner for now haha
Haha I totally get that, one of the benefits strangers on the internet! Wishing you the best of luck!