I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to put words on 'paper'
I'm 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.
I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways however there is a thought or feeling I just can't escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.
My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together.
She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she's really pretty when they've met her however I don't feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.
My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I'm dating isn't feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that's a turn off for me.
I didn't even realize femininity mattered this much to me.
I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who's logistics fit so well with mine it's honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.
I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:
- Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist?
- Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because it doesn't feel right?
- I'm getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
- Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?
My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help
Chemistry can develop over time, but it depends on both parties being intentional about all of: opening up their vulnerabilities, trying new things, and being both honest and forthright. You can ask her to try being more feminine. Not in general, just, say, for one evening, and see if that does anything for either of you.
As others have said, you're also fresh out of a LTR and jumped right into another. There's a word for that, it's not nice word, and it's generally understood that those kind of relationships don't last. That's okay. As long as you don't hurt the other person while you're doing it, anyway. It takes time to shake off the habits and expectations if the previous relationship, and you haven't given yourself very much in the time department. It sounds like you're doing your best to examine and release those biases right now, which is laudable, but it does take time... and for most people, time alone.
One last thing: You mention wanting to settle down soon, but is that what your new partner wants? Have you talked about it? If she doesn't want that this whole thing is a moot point anyway.
I don't feel comfortable asking someone to be more feminine.
I feel people should accept each other for who they are and how they are, I'd hate to ask someone to change to fit what feels like shallow needs of mine.
You should not ask her to change who she is, no. But you can ask her to temporarily change how she acts, for an evening. If still that's a no-go for you, I respect that, just trying to offer an experiment.
Serial monogamist? Relationship hopper? I don't think that's what this is I had a time in my life where I was singe for a long time and a time where I fooled around etc. and while that was fun I'm now in a part of my life where I'd like to build towards a future and not just short term fun.
When I say settle down, I mean be in a serious relationship that might lead to building a life together. I'm in no rush to get married and have kids, keen to work towards that but that would probably take ~3 years at a minimum if I meet the right person
The word to which I was alluding is "rebound".