Asklemmy

Unfortunately no, my dad committed self delete when I was 4 years old. I remember my mom being absolutely fantastic until I was about 9 or 10. Then she started drinking. Mother dearest was always a drug addict but quit when she was pregnant with me. Never started the drugs again, but drank and smoked herself into oblivion. Around the time she started drinking she got a boyfriend who was a white supremacist and started hanging around the worst type of people. She quit giving a shit about having kids and made drinking her life. This didn't help our already broken family, it started with extreme arguments about things, then turned into abuse.

It started with her throwing away absolutely everything of mine. I was a adolescent boy who loved video games and hated cleaning my room. So when I didn't clean my room after "she asked several times" she went to my room and hauled off everything I had until that point besides my clothes and bed. I was able to save my Gameboy advance by slipping it in my pocket, but everything else was trashed. The game systems and accessories alone cost over 1000$ dollars. Still salty about it obviously but what really gets me is she didn't donate or sell it, rather she paid the dump fee to toss it at the dump.

Then I turned 14, my mother had been smoking pot and drinking for years at this point. She seemingly wanted friends, not kids, so she would share her beer with me. Being a teenager who was I to say no? I went to the literal worst high school in my area, 42% graduation rate in my year, and started hanging out with deadbeats and assholes who only wanted to chill when I had something. Then my mom said I should try Marijuana and smoked my first bowl with me. I liked it, and she hated that I enjoyed it so much and smoked all through high school. She would bring me to NA meetings for my "pot addiction" which was embarrassing to say the least.

The racism and bigotry intensified. Mothers boyfriend got a swastika tattooed on his scalp. There was never a night my mom wasn't drunk. Then when her and the friends were drunk enough, they turned to picking on the kids which supposedly "toughened us up". I still vividly remember getting headbutt by a drunk grown man, and almost going down from that. Racism is what I was raised on, and it started to seep into who I was as a person.

Then violence started. My sister and I were both teenagers, and both of us had serious problems stemming from our broken home life that were never addressesed. My sister had psychopathic tendencies that were never checked on. She'd fantasize about killing our mother, and frequently egged fights on in the hopes of them turning violent so she can call police and have them take her away. It's incredible CPS never visited. Frequent fights turned into frequent FIGHTS. Sister and I were beating each other up regularly whenever I didn't distance myself from home, and my sister and mother had physical fights at least twice a day. Mother tried to bite a big chunk out of sisters leg. Sister tried stabbing my mother, twice. These types of stories were the norm for me until I left at 17. Couldn't afford the rent and the rent I did pay would be used by mother and she would kick me out of the house either way. So I stayed with friends because I needed something more stable for college.

It's honestly a miracle I turned out the way I did. I grew into an adult and rejected racism and bigotry. I knew what a miserable existence hate led to having experienced it and I vowed that I would never hate people for the things they can't control. Honestly the only people I hate are people who hate, and people who exist on this planet to do harm to others. I immersed myself into diverse social situations and learned from people from all walks of life. The color of your skin, your gender, what you identify as, no longer bothers me as a person. I'm very proud of myself for that.

Sure, there's times when hatred and violence seeps back into my consciousness, but I try to correct that when it happens. Sometimes something racist or bigoted crosses my thoughts and I feel hopeless thinking that under the surface I'm still the same. But I remind myself that I'm not. I'm not chanting "trampling at the zoo" from American history x down the streets at the top of my lungs anymore. I'm not calling people the n word or the f word anymore. I'm a much better person.

I still tried to have contact with my mother, but after she skipped my kids birth, and reneged on letting me borrow her car after I totaled my car, I stopped giving her chances. She still texts me periodically about how she was a wonderful mother who did the best she could for her kids, and that I'm an ungrateful shit for not speaking to her now and not appreciating the things that I had. Because "she had it worse as a kid".

Now I have my own kids and could never think of being that way with them. In fact I always think "what would mother do?" And then do the exact opposite.

There's so much more, like breaking and trashing my things again after I got a job and paid for them myself. The police at my house twice a week. Mother having me committed. Police siding with mother every time, and not doing their job. Sister and I had suicidal ideation and tendencies. So much more I could write a book, but this is enough.

If you have good parents, please tell them so. Appreciate them, we don't all have it as good.

And if you have shitty parents, I'm sorry that you have to go through it too. If it gets bad enough, cut them off. It socks and it hurts to estrange your parents, I still think if I'm "overreacting" by cutting off my mother. And she makes sure to play the pity party on social. But Noone else will do it for you. You make your own life, and no one else is going to protect you from shittiness, especially shitty parents. Cut them off, slowly at first if you like. Come to terms with them being "dead". It's not an easy fight, and it can make you feel like your the problem sometimes. But in the end it's worth it. And for anybody going through this currently and needing someone to talk to, get in my inbox. I'm always down to help people, every day, every way I can. Consider it owed for me being a shitty racist teenager.

And if you read all this, hey thanks for viewing my story!

This image is wholly foreign to me. My spouse's parents are like this, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel bad because I've still got a shield up after all these years.

One of them doesn't listen at all. He's also dead so I'm willing to overlook his blatant lack of enthusiasm.

My parents are absolutely fantastic, they will always listen, do anything possible to help me in any way, and only ever think of what's best for their kids.

They are calm, considerate, reasonable, smart, loving, and a great team.

I will never meet anybody else as fantastic human beings as them.

I can't imagine having parents that are awful people, that must be such a terrible burden and impediment to healthy growth for a child :-(

My parents always discouraged me from trying things and gave me self-serving advice.

My dad’s a complete douche since he found out I was gay after losing my virginity and coming home late. He has issues with his sexuality and takes it out on me to the point he just decided to sabotage every chance I had at success. We can’t speak a second language in the house we couldn’t cook non American food until last year. He projects on me and humiliates me everywhere. He made my mom a shell of herself and he’s so blind he can’t even buy his own underwear. I wish I had a nerd dad or a pussy sad. Not some military abused hippie.

This thread is kind of depressing to read. What a privilege it is to have supportive parents.

Makes me realize that I shouldn't put off having a quality phone call with my parents so much. There will always be more work, but there won't always be more quality time with them.

My parents place too much emphasis on what other people think for me to be transparent with them. Everyone but my parents know I'm gay. I seriously think they would shatter if they knew the real me.

I have two great parents

My best friend has one, with the other one being an violent alcoholic

My SO has a brain damaged (literally) father and a hyper conspirational spiritual mother.

The more I learn about everyone else's parents the more thankful I get

Mine are self-absorbed narcissists, so no. However what I really wanted to share is this book I read recently that was eye-opening to say the least (someone on Lemmy recommended it in another post):

“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” by Lindsay Gibson.

Good luck out there.

For almost all of my life I’d have said no. But after over a year of family therapy I think I now have a mother who sometimes listens. She needs to follow it up with an emotional guilt trip, but she does actually sometimes listen first. Baby steps I guess, but it’s more progress than I expected. And my father is… well… still my father. No chance there.

My parents are dead.

I have amazing and fairly intelligent parents I can always talk to, but their level of cognitive dissonance on some subjects is absolutely insane so I know what to avoid talking about or responding to.

My folks were great and I miss them a lot.

Lost the birth parent lottery hard.

Won the in-law lottery like you can't believe.

My actual parents are raging mentally-ill disasters who are far too consumed by their own shit to realize they have kids, or that kids aren't meant to be used as crutches and emotional punching bags. They love me in name but not action, and are generally disintereted in me unless they think they can use me for something. They have no idea who I am as a person, frequently forget where I live (same place for 6 years) and what I do for work (4 years), and couldn't pick my spouse out of a lineup (7 years). I haven't given them grandkids, I left a prestigious sounding but financially unwise program to do generic business admin, I live far enough away they can't "invite" me over to do tens if thousands of dollars in free labor anymore, I won't let Mom call me out of the blue to scream and insult me when she's having a bad day, and I won't "loan" them money, so from their perspective, what's the point of me?

In my early marriage I used to HOUND them with calls trying and failing to get 5 minutes of their attention - they'd literally answer and then set the phone down and ignore it or just talk to anyone else and ignore me with the phone to their ear - the problem was so bad I could barely get them to commit to meeting my now-husband until we were already engaged, and even then it was a fight (it took multiple months of proposing a time every weekend to even schedule them for a video call - in person was off the table. They have regular jobs and schedules). So I stopped trying around 6 years ago and said I'd answer when they called, but they could call me.

In the 6 years since I believe we've had about 7 phone calls or so, and about as many texts - that's for both parents total, not each. Not Christmas or birthdays, not to actually catch up, just Mom wanting to yell - she used to start the call already angry, THEN start asking questions about my life until she found something to yell about. She used to frequently do this and accuse me of lying if I didn't report sufficient failures, then have a go at me for lying. Eventually blocked for my own sanity. Dad getting caught by his siblings not even knowing where I lived at a family function and trying to cram all the trivia about my life into a short phone call so he could go back to the party and save face (this actually happened twice). Dad calling and without prompting comparing my mom to a man-eating tiger with a taste for my flesh personally (literally), then asking me to unblock her anyway because now she was treating HIM that way ("I feel for the tiger keeper, but I am not the tiger-keeper's meat shield."). 100% promise rate from Dad that he'd call again next week and then not hearing from him for well over a year - just recently got a text because he heard from a different relative that I bought a house and got caught looking bad again - he did not want to talk more.

My MIL frequently accidentally refers to me as her child and then trips up when she tries to refer to my spouse - "auto complete" in her brain says the spouse of a child should be an in-law, but they are also her child and in fact is her ACTUAL child. She also adds me to her Total Kid Count (high) and when she has to walk someone through the timing on That Many Kids, realizes she put one too many in there. When I want to call "my mom", I call her. We just bought a house, and I prioritized one with a guest room for her frequent visits (every time: "Is it ok if I spend a day seeing my siblings when I'm I'm town?" "Of course?? When has it ever not been??" "Well I did say I was coming to see you two!!"). She calls just to chat multiple times a week and I know I can tell her anything. She's not perfect, but she literally taught me what unconditional love looked and felt like, and has been there for me through every win and loss I've had over the last 7 years. She is the envy of our married friend group.

My FIL is great and we get on well, but I think it's a standard positive in-law relationship. When I want Dad advice, I call an old family friend who fell out with my folks over them generally being the people described above, to make an extremely long story short. We try to talk once a week on a schedule - but he's busy with a family of his own and a demanding career in addition to the gaggle of my siblings he volunteered to Dad-up, so it's more structured. It's always meant a ton to me that he still prioritizes carving out that time just to be a listening ear and a friend. He's been a great example to me of what it means to be a self-accountable, good person in every way, what admitting you're wrong and changing for the better looks like, and how to just generally be a kick-ass community member. He's the one who gets the Father's Day call around here.

All this to say, just because your assigned parents are a couple of slouches doesn't mean you're cursed to never have that parental support - even if you don't cut contact with your assigned parents, please give yourself permission and space in your life to find some better ones. I highly recommend joining some hobbies - especially old person hobbies - or volunteering to make those connections. We all know it's important to have peer friends, but Older Mentor Friends are also so freaking critical - my knitting group ladies got me through SO MUCH before I had that solid support system, and they're still a huge wealth of knowledge, community, and support.

It gets better, dude.

One good one. Supportive, listened to me, encouraged me to be me, put my needs first. I talk to them regularly and fly across the country to visit.

The other never listened, was totally phoning it in, is mow and has always been a terrible human being. I have all but cut them from my life.

I have a complicated relationship with my dad, but that has more to do with our personalities clashing and his wife not really being a fan of mine. If I needed something from him like I had an emergency or was hurt, in prison, etc., he would be there for me.

My mom and I have a really good relationship. We’re very close and have been since I was a kid. I could tell her anything and come to her with any problems and she would try to be there for me.

My parents were quite liberal with raising me I can call both of them by their first name, talk to them quite casually, etc. I call my dad “dad” and his first name interchangeably and have done so since I was a kid. His wife feels like it’s disrespectful. My view on it is I’ve done it since I was a kid. He never had an issue with it. If he did, he would’ve told me to not do that when I was a child when I would’ve listened to him.

My dad was like that, he was my safe person and would always celebrate my success, had wise advice and truly cared for my wellbeing. When I became a parent, many things from the way he taught me were passed on to my own kid. Then he died. That was ten years ago and I miss him everyday.

My mom was abusive all through me and my sibling's upbringing, she stills is, mind you but I am very low contact/ on the brink of no contact now. As a mother myself, I have done the exact opposite of what she did to me so my kid is treated with respect, compassion, genuinecuriosity about their interests, acceptance and grace. They will not know what not being loved or unwanted feels like.

One hit and one miss, although the trustworthy one still has issues, as most people do.

My dad softened a lot lately, seeing his parents go made him realize how important the relationship with his own children is.
On my mum's side, I'm afraid she will always be tone deaf and self absorbed, but I learned not to resent her for that

I'm fortunate enough to have really great parents. Like exceptionally great. I get legitimately really sad for others when I hear that they don't have awesome parents. I can't imagine going a day without talking to my mom. She and I talk every morning to make sure we both get up and get ready for the day. My stepfather and I don't talk as often as my mom and I do, but he has been my only true father figure.

My biological father was an absolute piece of shit for most of my life, but he got his shit together and I see him as a good friend now. He and I talk almost every day, mostly about pets or work.

Mine are excellent listeners. They just can't respond anymore though.

I have parents that are kind and will listen without judgement and be supportive.

My father is reliably discreet. My mother is a gossip, though, and I can't tell her anything I don't want the entire family to know.

I wish, but no. I do have someone to fill that role though.

Not anymore. I dunno exactly when it happened but after I left for uni I no longer see eye to eye with my folks.

They raised me and I feel they did a good job: respect others, be kind, help people, everyone is equal. All the good stuff.

Nowadays though my dad has gone hard into conspiracy theories proper tinfoil hat stuff, moon landings fake, vaccines cause autism and have microchips, fluorinated water causes something, COVID was a Chinese plot or fake or just flu (despite half his kids working in healthcare and telling him first hand experiences). He's gone proper racist Britain for the British bullshit, hates immigrants and anyone not white. He's dragging my mum into it as well but she's not exactly innocent in her views either. I'm glad they live at the other end of the country now so I can choose how much I see them, holidays used to involve staying with my parents but now we camp kinda close and just have a meal out together a couple times.

I struggled a lot with coming to terms with the huge change, our relationship used to be fantastic especially with my mum, could talk for hours about anything. Now we have a very very narrow range of safe topics and I have to say no I'm not talking about that with you quite regularly.

I even debated cutting contact because of some of the horrible stuff my dad was posting online, fortunately he's stopped that and now just consumes the hate instead of tagging me in it. I decided that I wanted to keep my parents in my life but set some firm boundaries and just don't engage with any of the delusions.

I had a good relationship with my dad, but he passed when I was 21. I’ve now been alive longer without a father than with one. He had major faults: racist, homophobic, and started going Baptist when he got cancer. If he had survived it, I think that downfall would have progressed and he’d be a fucking Maggot by now. I don’t think he’d get along well with his pansexual son, bisexual DIL and transgender grandkids. So, and this is not a good feeling, I’m a little appreciative of the fact the relationship ended when it was still good. But I’m haunted by what it would have been like if he survived. Like I said, we had a really good relationship. He taught me all kinds of outdoorsman skills, taught me how to keep family close, and how to honor my word. I don’t know if I could have handled if he survived and continued along that path.

My mom always lived for herself and was abusive. I still flinch when someone touches my face because she hit us so much. I cut ties on my wedding day almost 10 years ago and am much happier and healthier.

They both taught me how not to parent and as long as I keep in mind how their words and actions made me feel, I know how to be a good dad to my kids. I’m not going to say they did me a favor there, but I do rely on that lesson to guide me.

Nice yes, listening no.

I will never be judged for or attacked by the things I tell her but ten seconds later those things have been overwritten in her mind by different things that she also won’t judge for or attack with.

It made for a complicated childhood.

No. Where are my r/estrangedadultchild buddies at?

Lol. Lmao even.

I seriously thought this was disneyvactation

They're fine now, as people, but I don't hold a lot of trust in them and I don't tell them much about my interests.

To modify the Miranda rights quote, "anything you say, do, or express interest in can and will be used against you". Anything i talked about or enjoyed in my childhood was poked fun at by my dad to the point i stopped enjoying it and stopped talking to them about my likes/dislikes, and my mom can't/couldn't keep a secret for shit.

Dad also had zero understanding of personal space or privacy, and would just barge in my bedroom at any time (through a locked door, one of those doorknobs that can be unlocked with a flathead or a coin).

Stopped invading my personal space after i got big enough and held him in an elbow lock in a public space once; he kept putting his hand in my face and i eventually slapped it away, he got pissed and tried to get us to leave and grabbed my arm.

We get along mostly fine as adults after i moved out, he recognizes he fucked up a lot, but i don't consider it a close relationship.

I'm good with my parents. They have their normal human flaws, which I accept happily.

Are you a parent yourself? It's really difficult. You can't help but bring a lot of baggage. There's a podcast I lesten to, to improve parenting that runs a workshop called "taming your triggers". Having children exposes a lot of wounds and personal baggage. It's really difficult to recognise and address those on yourself as a parent. Your description of expectations from a parent are so idealised, I would argue that there are very few individuals in the world who are actually successful in being that good and selfless.

This is interesting if you've got an hour to watch a philosophy video(link goes directly to 53min if you just want to watch a few minutes).

Parents are humans with their own flaws and backstories. They've had (presumably) 20 years of the worlds bullshit flung at them before you entered the picture. Can they be nice? Sure. But as you become an adult try to forgive them for the times they failed. Chances are they were doing the best they could with what they had at the time.

As a parent I try to listen with an open mind and admit when I'm probably a little biased. I still get called out and grump about it.

If there's anything you want to share, I'm willing to listen.

I have one bio parent I can do that with, and I know I’m privileged to have that. To be able to confide, ask questions, seek advice, break down, or even just play cards together provides a certain level of mental safety I didn’t experience otherwise.

I only hope I can provide even a fraction of that to others; everybody deserves safe people.

My parents aren't perfect. But they are amazing people. And excellent parents.

But I'll still never ever forgive my mother for giving away my ps1 and all my games.