Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you're shitting.
this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
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I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don't have to waste time later on
Smart
Thanks for the shitty tip!
A shitty tip is when your partner didn't wipe before anal
As a gay bottom (gottom™), your partner should be doing more than wiping before anal
I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
It's that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.
He sucks now. He was AMAZING in Parks and Rec.
Bumbling buffoonery is his niche. He's not a leading man, action hero, regardless of how many roles they shoehorn him into.
Parks and Rec is such a great show.
Bidet.
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it's got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my "stench is less appalling". Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.
Cannot recommend enough.
Thirsty? Solved!
Neti pot? Solved!
Would require good water pressure. Although that's a careful balancing act because you can go too far the other way. Then that's an embarrassing hospital visit.
Doubtful. I have never heard of residential water pressure high enough to do any damage.
they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
¡Duce's Loose!
My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won't get on board with having a clean ass.
Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
Anon needs to eat more fiber
Funny how there's always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
If you think that's bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
¡Not everybody's got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!
Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.
and probably a shave
Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.
Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.
If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.
anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)
Bidets... You don't have bidets?
Nah he didn't even run for reelection
eating fiber helps
Psyllium husks are the best!