Ask Lemmy

"big gulps, huh? Well, see you later!"

No ticket

"Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field."

Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)

My favourite bilingual joke. It's so silly, it's so fantastic

Appa from Kim's Convenience saying 'No, you!' to everything.

'You're deflecting.'

'No! You are deflecting!'

Who are you and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

"Yes it's true, this man had no dick"

-"Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather."

-"I did do the nasty in the past-y."

"But the water's clean".

Many years ago when a friend and I stopped at a rest stop and the sinks looked dirty. I said, "It's not very clean", they said that. Now for some reason it still pops into my head any time I wash my hands in a public restroom. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

"Oh no, not again" from the paragraph:

"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

Any variation of n n+1 (based on 67).

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

"It's like I tell my ex-wife. Honey...I never drive faster than I can see. And besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

• Today we're gonna teach poodles how to fly.
• Nothing says I love you like the gift of a spatula.
• You found the marble in the oatmeal! You win a drink from the firehose!

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

"bottlesworth" as a unit of measure, from Look Around You, I think it was the sulfur episode

What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

"ipso facto, my cheekbones are higher"

"HELLO GRAHAMOTHY!" "Hello murder boy!" "Oh nooo"

It was from a stream of a group of people playing Among Us with nearby audio. Graham kills two people, gets ejected. Ghosts can hear each other. So they ganged up on him for a bit lol

"Round of applause for Sean Lock everyone, he had a great carreer with many years in the industry, but then he brought back the Nazis"

Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

Homer Simpson thinking to himself:

"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."

"$20 can buy many peanuts."

"Explain how."

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.

One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:

"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"

"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"

".... I don't know?"

"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"

(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)

Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man

"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

This one's been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.