this post was submitted on 16 May 2025
363 points (97.4% liked)

Not The Onion

21788 readers
957 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
all 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Binky@lemmy.sdf.org 130 points 1 year ago

These are fucking awful times.

[–] slaacaa@lemmy.world 81 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Goretantath@lemm.ee 77 points 1 year ago (2 children)
[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 49 points 1 year ago (3 children)

It'll be funny and poetic until we all get to watch a contestant die for the first time during a prime time live event .... and the crowd roars and the ratings go through the roof as everyone realizes ... the gladiatorial games to the death have returned .... and this time we can stream it!!!!

[–] PattyMcB@lemmy.world 26 points 1 year ago

Bread and circuses.

The United States is dying

[–] Lucky_777@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Trumpflix, but that show is pay per view with the premium plus $199 a month plan. $399 pay per view of course.

[–] MisterD@lemmy.ca 9 points 1 year ago

The other show available is a live feed of the torture at gitmo and El Salvador

[–] PattyMcB@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

I'd pirate it and not watch it just on principle

[–] PunnyName@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago

We have the Millionaire CTE Scramble already.

You know. Football. Handegg.

[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

Ew, but yes.

Ew.

[–] satanmat@lemmy.world 63 points 1 year ago

May the odds be ever in your favor...

What the actual...

[–] BigMacHole@lemm.ee 40 points 1 year ago (1 children)

We need to DEPORT OUR IMMIGRANTS! UNLESS they Win at a TV Show THEN we can Let them Stay and I see NOTHING Wrong with That! Or they're WHITE!

-Literally EVERY SINGLE REPUBLICAN VOTER!

[–] AidsKitty@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That is not true. Any immigrants that can spend $5 million are free to buy a fresh, hot, and newly minted social security card!

[–] WraithGear@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

But that doesn’t buy you tolerance in the society. That’s extra on a subscription basis

[–] PattyMcB@lemmy.world 33 points 1 year ago

I literally did a triple-take thinking I ate the onion and then realized it's not fake. Holy SHIT. Time for the 2A.

[–] HootinNHollerin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 31 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] PunnyName@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

The more I watch Andor, the more I feel like a need a gun.

Coincidence, really.

[–] 2ugly2live@lemmy.world 28 points 1 year ago

And they called me a fool for having Hunger Games on my bingo card.

[–] radiohead37@lemmynsfw.com 24 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This article sounds like bs.

[–] boydster@sh.itjust.works 39 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

"According to the Daily Mail..."

My bs senses are tingling on this one, too. I think I'll be watching for confirmation from elsewhere before I give this much energy.

Edit: it's insane that it's even remotely believable, though. And it is believable. Like, easily believable.

[–] toy_boat_toy_boat@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

those five words from an unknown third-party source should be enough to raise flags, i hope..

[–] logi@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The Daily Mail is nit an unknown source. They are the most awful British tabloid. I give them negative trust.

[–] toy_boat_toy_boat@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

The Daily Mail is nit an unknown source.

lol 'nit' indeed :P

[–] mhague@lemmy.world 23 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Executions will be televised one day.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmy.today 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I know that I will have grim satisfaction while watching.

[–] LovableSidekick@lemmy.world 21 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

So MAGA wants to take away birthright citizenship and institute game show winner citizenship. This is the same government we're relying on to do the right thing in a nuclear confrontation.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmy.today 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I am more frightened of the Trump Regime than Stalin's in this regard. Both are evil, but one completely is completely void of sanity.

It is my hope that foreign governments are taking actions to take away the nuclear button from Trump. Maybe a deal with Qatar to activate the self-destruct if Trump attempts to give the order for a nuclear dawn?

[–] LovableSidekick@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I don't know about foreign governments - who on the US side would make those deals, given that MAGA is running the government? But our own military isn't run by robots, and they're prepared not to take stupid rash actions on command from Bonespurs. This was talked about when he took office the first time.

[–] Susaga@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 year ago

Then they deport the winner anyway, because citizenship doesn't matter to Trump.

[–] Nyadia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 13 points 1 year ago

There are really people out there who support this shit who think they deserve to be regarded as good people just because they're friendly on an interpersonal level.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmy.today 12 points 1 year ago

The odds of Mr. Beast being the ringleader for this particular circus is high.

[–] Mobiuthuselah@lemm.ee 12 points 1 year ago

That's all they really know anyways, reality TV. Bit of a misnomer really.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 11 points 1 year ago

Of course the admin supports dehumanizing people for entertainment. How about reducing prices on something. Like bread.

[–] vovo@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

FOREIGNERS OUT! SCHLINGENSIEFS CONTAINER

Satirising reality TV shows, "Big Brother" especially, a dozen asylum seekers were surveilled by a multitude of cameras, could be fed and watched by passer-by's and two were thrown out of the country through web-voting. The way fascism looks in the 21st century: Bright. Sensational. Interactive. Funny - and frightening.

[–] theacharnian@lemmy.ca 7 points 1 year ago

20th century fascism was characterized by a thick layer of self importance and respectability to hide a vulgar core.

21st century fascism is just vulgar through and through.

[–] Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Scenes envisaged include one in San Francisco, where the immigrants are sent down a mine to collect the most gold

In Cape Canaveral, Florida, the hub of NASA, contestants would rush to build and launch a rocket.

In Hayward, Wisconsin, they'd struggle to keep their balance on logs.

[–] blimthepixie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I thought you were being facetious

[–] Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Just adding some relevant facts. Not the onion.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago
[–] kikutwo@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I have the outline of a plot where Kristi Noem gets spit roasted by Mike Lee and Mike Johnson.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 year ago

You mean like... Over a fire?

[–] PattyMcB@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Does she die at the end? Can season 2 be MTG?

[–] SnarkoPolo@lemm.ee 4 points 1 year ago

May the odds be ever in your favor.

[–] Damage@feddit.it 3 points 1 year ago

Squick Game

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

I miss when my country wasn't parodying itself