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Relationship Advice

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I can't seem to find a date because I considered to have an "ugly" personality that doesn't fit with classic relationship dynamics. (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I hope you do love reading. I'm a 19 years old male who lives in Türkiye which you might now as Turkey. For my entire life, I went through one platonic love and one failed relationship in high school. Outside of that, I never had anything serious. I spent most of my time working on my ideal project in isolation. It's been some serious time since I communicated anybody outside of my family. Really, outside of three or four family members, I don't remember having any friends for a few years. There is one year of high school where things changed a bit, but it didn't stayed so long. Shortly, I've been in isolation for total of 6 to 7 years if you contain two pieces, but last one kept going on fore more than 3 years. I have no literal experience in human communication or relationships. All I know by the experiences and learning my own thoughts, I'm very loyal and deeply connected to the people around me. This might be happening because of low count of people, but this has been a thing since childhood. I can say I'd be very loyal and love filled towards my partner, trying to support them through things. The problem is, I have many negative traits.

I know this might sound stupid or selfish to ask for a relationship now because I'm not in a good situation. I'm poor, I live in a third world country, I'm not healthy but it's just that I'm 19 years old now and maybe because of hormones -I'm not sure- I seem to want a relationship. Maybe that's because how relationship of my sister is right in front of my eyes or maybe because just the hormones. Maybe it's just wrong to look for love right now because I'm not suitable and have lots of problems but thinking this way doesn't help. For coming to the "ugly" personality title, I'm honest. I don't have emotional words or anything, I'll be logical. I personally think I can provide things that many people consider attractive for relationship. Actually that's why I lost in my last one. Because of experiences I had in my life, I can only provide minimal physical contact, I find bodies disgusting and I can't eat. Like, literally I'm underweight who finds eating very disgusting to a level where I vomit in average level. I'm not asexual too, I'm just a straight male but I can't provide physical contact at all because my brain is overthinking this situation. The human body has a skeleton and blood vessels surrounding it. Some of these vessels are very thin and delicate. In case of any contact, these capillaries put pressure on each other and cause an uncomfortable feeling. I can't physically feel them but I feel disgusting. Then there is the skin on our fingers or body. They are porous, hairy, sensitive, sticky and prepared to expel disgusting fluids such as sweat. That's disturbing. How can people enjoy physical contact? Nearly every female I found in dating apps seem to like physical contact as their love language. I do wash my hands when I touch to somebody else. Don't misunderstand me, I can find body and face beautiful even sexually but can't contact them.

Then there are eyes. Both of my eyes are problematic and even one of them see blurry -I don't have and don't want glasses- because of some self harm history. I can't even cry because when I do, they burn. And I don't like eyes. Sorry, but they are disgusting. They are two soft, round, wet and veined balls, rotating inside my skull, contacting with my skin. That's disturbing me. This started after the break-up with the last relationship of me. She had beautiful eyes so it became a problem for me.

This is hard to say so I'll just go and count down some of my problems as a list, so you can see why it's hard for me to find a date in look. Some of these are personal but this is an empty account I have here, so no one knows me. My right leg is limping because of the spine problem I have from birth. I always have humpback because of that. I have constant eye pain on both -especially on right one- , have constant headaches because of schizophrenia -yep, I do have that as well. What a surprise, eh? God-damit.- and did I said I do look like 45? I'm not a person who literally took care of my physical traits for years. I can objectively say I don't have a ugly in face. If I just wash it and take care of it a little bit, I'm sure I can be average or maybe even a bit above it, but I have forehead wrinkles because of stress. Somebody in my mom's job made fun of "us" -her and me- being too old. When I told her I'm 19 she was shocked. That feels bad that an another person in the bus stop thought I was 45. Dude, I know I'm not looking healthy but please... The problem is, not all my physical problems can go away with care like the spine problem. That's with me for life.

Even outside of physical problems, I can't say I'm a very interesting person. I spent most of my early teenage years up to this age working on my project -still not finished- Never really had a chance to have interests and I'm a kind of stubborn INTJ who dislikes everything. I just do love some Operas, Vintage Music -1800s to 1930s- and Music Boxes -Don't bully me please-, Antique female fashion -1800s to 1930s again-, reading books -solo only- and my project. Other than that I hate going outside, eating anything, sleeping and playing online games. I seem to like classical dancing, but I'm not sure, never had a partner who'd dance with me.

I tried multiple dating apps. OkCupid, Hinge, Boo and even Bumble but outside of Boo, all seemed to be based on the looks. People consider some of them personality based but I disagree. Many of them don't even allow you to filter people at all or just add a proper description. Maybe I do look for descriptions so much. Sadly my like rate was around %0.30 when I deleted Boo last night. It wasn't being very motivational. At least African scammers were there to give me some notifications. Trust me, I tried adjusting my profile to look honest, self-confident or professional. I tried messaging souls with different ways and even tried specially to choose women that are from "my level" which I saw many people talked about online. But seems like I'm not really attractive and the researches about men getting pairs in dating apps are real. I couldn't get a great chance in any of them and it doesn't seem like the person I look for is in neither of these apps. All want short term relationships, extrovert thinking, sex or just happy moments. I can't provide most of these and I look for an intelligent person who can share their love with me and understand me. Maybe even a person who enjoys my interests or support me through this project. Outside of that, I do find deep, thoughtful, intellegent and feminine women attractive. I don't have a proper "beauty" standart but I do like asymetry and special facial traits that are uncommon :)

I left most of my psychological problems behind except for these leftovers, schizophrenia and many small OCD issues. I can understand an emotional person, would like to have deep conversations and meaningful connection. Ah and I might have some -traumatic- problems with breaking up so, just know that. Sometimes feels like I wish I'd live in 1800s. Life was sucking then but relationships were more simpler. I'd like to be Phantom but the problem is it's not just half of my face like his, I don't look charismatic much as him and I don't have a Catherine. Not that I want to have the same ending with him actually.

Please don't tell me "Go outside" in this third world country where a video game is half of my wage and a coffee is the fun of the rich. There are no events, concerts or even areas to really communicate with people. I live in Sakarya, this place is straight up grassland from Garry's Mod. Even if I could communicate somebody, everybody seems to look for short term relationships where they want to share their lovers on TikTok. Look, I don't want to hate on preferences of the people. You can love any song and if you do, that's beautiful. I do respect it. I'm just trying to say I do look for a person who loves Phantom of the Opera while I'm in a country where LvbelC5's "10 Numara" song -about blonde sexy ladies- is the most listened song. Seriously, look it up, that one got 5 times views more than Phantom of the Opera on YouTube.

I don't know what to do actually. Please do not come with these, I do appreciate them but I definitely need another help;

  • Emotional support: Thank you but I do need solutions.
  • "Go seek out a therapist" I did. More like, I tried. Trust me that's not a solution and I'm serious.
  • "Go outside" I explained this situation as well so please do not repeat.

Please remember this is my first time in years communicating with people right now -even in social media- Yeah, I'm dead serious. I seem to be locked on my project for so long, when my high school friends called me I noticed it's been years and I can't talk to anybody anymore. So please don't go hard on me.

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago)

Reading through the post and responses, I'm still not sure what you are asking, but have some thoughts.

You don't enjoy being physically embodied, have eating disorder, are going to be squicked out by physical relations. So a physical embodied romantic partner seems an odd desire.

I know it sounds trite, I was also an anorexic teen but didn't really hate my body, just thought it was fat - like in theory I could like it just saw fat no matter my size and had anxiety about food. I do now love being physically embodied, love being able to touch things and think, hear, and see (sort of), taste foods, read and dance and exercise, walk and sex too, all of those physical things I enjoy, and enjoy being part of the physical world.

Turkey has beautiful public parks, does it not? Can you go walk in nature (sort of)? Are you not in a city?

Your secret "project" sounds ominous as fuck.

If by "solutions" you mean things you can work on, people are offering those. Wash up, cut your hair, work on enjoying your body, approach it in a different way, you could not be typing or reading any of this without a body. Can you not love being a physical being? It's so cool really, gross or not, we are part of this physical world.

My friend with OCD would always work to push his limits, he was an odd guy and not always comfortable to be around but we would visit him and he was interesting, well read and thoughtful. I'm sure as soon as we left he was bleaching his house or whatever but he wanted human interaction and fought his own discomfort to get it.

I don't think you are likely as dull as you think you are, historical female fashion is interesting for sure.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'm sorry I don't have the answers you're looking for, but maybe I can offer some universal fundamentals that you may have lost sight of.

Dating apps aren't for everyone. Thankfully I found my partner before these became popular but it sounds as though 80% of guys experience exactly what you did. Honestly, if it's not working for you it's not working.

I know how it feels to have lost the genetic lottery. I've never been a physically attractive person, and I do have some chronic physical and mental health issues. The only thing for it is to be the best version of yourself you can be. Attend to your personal grooming, keep yourself clean, wear clean clothes. Figure out an appropriate personal workout regime that you can do without equipment. You said you have some limitations but building some core body strength will pay dividends for anyones posture. You don't need to overdo it but you do need to do something.

Next is the hardest, perhaps even unachievable in the short term, but you need to connect with real physical people with whom you do not intend to have a romantic relationship. Like join some kind of group and interact with people. Reconnect with one of those school friends, volunteer for something, join a table top gaming group. Anything. Any sort of human relationship is difficult for me, but the most difficult of all is navigating the early stages of a relationship. You need practice at simple human interaction.

Finally, and this isn't advice but simply context, just let it happen in it's own time. I'm 43 now and I often think about my teenage years and my 20s, what would I do differently et cetera. Regret is too strong a word, but I wish I could just communicate to 19 year old me that being so desperate to find someone else to love me would just poison everything else in my life. Instead of doing the kinds of things that can nourish one's soul like learning and exercising and connecting with people, I was just desperate for the validation that comes from having a girlfriend. It all came together in the end, as it always does - I just wish I could've spent my 20s more productively.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for your answer. I really appreciate you typed an answer this long. It's really good to see a supportive comment. I don't want to write down something negative and become the guy who dislikes every single answer but I felt like I might not shared enough information because some of these are really not helping.

Personal grooming and taking care of my look is expensive. I already mentioned I live in a third world country where I earn 528$ per month. I live in some kind of slums and it takes time, effort and money to do these. I might sound like "I ask for a relationship without working for it." And to be honest, I'm that kind of a person. I don't keep myself clean or take care of my look or surroundings. I always lived in my brain and not that I want to be social or spend time outside of my brain. Even simple things such as wearing more clean clothes etc. can help but I'm not in a situation where I can afford new dressing. Not that it helps a lot too.

I'd think of a schedule where I will have workout regime but I'm a very busy person. I wake up at 5 A.M. start working on my project until evening. My sister wakes up and we eat breakfast. Rest of the time goes on my other work -where I earn money- or supporting my sister through her streams -she really needs that- I sometimes find enough time to read a book or learn new things as a hobby. Day ending, we eat dinner and my family goes to sleep. I spend my entire night until 3 A.M. for working on my project. In total, I sleep 3 hours polyphasic sleep per day in two pieces.

I can't reconnect with any school friends because I don't have any. Like, I had some but we cut the contact years ago. Both me and they changed. I sometimes see how social or free they are, I think I don't want them to see me like this. Not that I want to be like them -because I think I managed to become more mature in years unlike them- but sometimes feel a bit jealous. I actually tried to meet with one of them and it didn't went well. Seems like me from then isn't suitable like me from now. I changed a lot.

I specially mentioned this is a third world country multiple times. There aren't really any groups, concerts, events or socializing areas except beaches and some coffees. beyond costing too much, how can I communicate people over there? I can't just go and try talking like "Hey!" Trying this always ended up me sitting alone in the beach for some time because what to do? And mathematically it's a very low possibility a random person I meet outside be suitable with me. If there were specific groups for my interests or my needs like you said, it'd be possible. But no one in "real life" doesn't really bother more than quick-chats or short term flirting. At least in my country. People I look for or need are definitely not there, that's obvious. I tried looking for a table-top community before. They are all filled with overly-nerdy but friendly men. I didn't looked for global ones to be honest, that's a great idea, I'll consider it - thanks.

Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences about the age situation. While not having experience of a 43 years old, I think I can clearly say I spent my time productively enough. I barely wasted a day in my life for a few years. I always kept working and like how I mentioned, my brain, my life, my days, my everything is just built upon a single idea project. Now I'm ready to start releasing it to the people and it still have steps to take in the following years. But I can say hardest part -writing- is done a year ago and I'm ready to show it to the people. I'm focused on my project and ready to get rid of everything that's stopping through it. Actually, the isolation situation I'm inside is more of a personal fault caused by that. I got rid of any communication and chances to learn myself in young teenage to work on this. I used to be an extrovert but isolated myself for it. Didn't had the days of hanging out with friends or dating a beautiful girl. Had it for less-than-a-year high school era but abandoned it like how I said. Not that I complain, it's a personal choice. I had to do it for the project and I don't regret the choices I made. That's why I look for a person who can understand me and why it is so difficult. Outside of the thing I make, I don't really have anything. I don't enjoy anything else, I don't know what a real relationship looks like. I can't communicate or don't know how to do anything. For last three years, I didn't talked to a real person outside of my sister. So that's one of the reasons why it's so hard. Or maybe my brain just lies to me because I'm not in a suitable situation, psychology and mind for a healthy relationship. Maybe you are right, I must not follow it - maybe I'll meet somebody that's fitting to me. I must think on these.

Again, thank you for your comment and sharing your own thoughts. It really helped a lot.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

As context, when I was 19, I also had 0 sexual contacts, and had a lot a lot of issues myself. I know a little bit of what you're going through. I now have eliminated or managed almost all of my issues and live a very happy poly lifestyle, dating multiple people.

The only way you will be able to have success is if you are okay with changing and stop looking for reasons not to change.

For example, even if you have nothing, you should be able to find scissors and a mirror somewhere, even just some bent metal, and some clean water and a bar of soap. That's enough resources for personal grooming and cleanliness and you can get 80% of the way with this.

I'm not saying you can't be yourself. But honestly, in a perfect world, wouldn't you like to be clean? So trying to change in this direction is not going against yourself, you're just getting closer to the self you want.

I'm probably going to offend a lot of the romantics out there, but sexual/romantic relationships are essentially everyone presenting "a product" (themselves) to "a market" (potential partners). "The market" will only "buy" (invest emotionally, start a relationship) the "product" if the "product" is of sufficient quality, price and accessible to them.

That doesn't mean that you can't find love. But if your "product" is of a certain quality, you will only find someone that would accept this certain quality. Speaking clearly, if you're unclean, you'll likely only find people that are themselves unclean. If you have mental health issues, you'll likely only find other people with mental health issues. And so on.

Your "price" is essentially how hard you make it to get emotionally invested with you. If you never open up to anyone you meet, if you don't accept people of your same "quality", you're essentially setting the "price" too high.

And if you don't go out, don't meet many people, your "accessibility" might be too low, so even if someone would want to "buy" you, you're simply not "in store", so you'll not find anyone.

So what I'm essentially saying is... What do you think your "product" is of quality, price and accessibility? And what's the resulting likelihood people will be fine with the quality, accept the price and find the product in stores, and thus decide to buy it? If the likelihood is very low, then you have to improve the quality, lower the price, and/or increase the accessibility. Speaking plainly, that means a combination of improving yourself in all kinds of areas, getting rid of your problems as much as possible, lowering your own standards, going out and getting to know people.

It's extremely hard to give you actionable advice, because there's just so many things you could work on. You kinda have to just identify things that you want to change yourself, and then focus improving individual things, one at a time. You can't really do everything at once. So the actionable advice, the solution that I would give you, is to look into yourself and decide on one thing you want to improve. If you don't know how, then you can ask for more specific advice again, for that particular topic. And if you get stuck, you can ask for even more specific advice again. Repeat this until your "product" is so high quality, so low in price, so accessible that you have no problem "selling" it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Firstly, thank you for your comment. I really appreciate how long and careful you wrote it. These are some good advices but I got some stuff to answer for. I think I couldn't explain myself well enough.

You might be right about me not wanting to change. That's a good point. I'm on this project for a long time and I don't really want to change. But isn't it wrong if I try to change myself just for a relationship? Wouldn't I be not me? Beyond that, transforming to being extrovert or anything more attractive after 3 years of isolation will surely need some serious time, work and psychological experience - which I can't provide. And even if I could get access to professional help, there are some serious marks that cannot be repaired entirely which I don't want to talk here.

My problem isn't with bar of soap, being clean or looking handsome . I do have medical problems like limping, spine problems and many more physical problems that cannot be fixed without professional medical support. I don't find my face unattractive, I do find my disabilities disturbing. It's like I live in a 50+ years old man's body and brain while being just 19. I can put myself to market in a clean way but not in a healthy way. It just doesn't look good when I use a walking stick like a 75 years old. I know this doesn't mean I can't find love but it surely reduces the possibility.

Thank you for the emotional part about "not opening yourself to them" but this is all I am. I don't have that shore side where I can chit-chat or hang out. I spent my years sacrificing stuff I have to get everybody I love out of this situation since childhood. I don't want to cry like a baby in here but I can shortly say I had to be mature in early age and had to sacrifice relationships, connections or even school to achieve this. Time and choices transformed me into this. I can't provide physical touch, I have OCD on everything, I get nausea in artificial light, my eyes burn when I cry, I hate watching movies, going outside, having activities, sleeping, eating and many other stuff. I surely tried to change myself and raise my price but I'm not in a situation where I can get professional therapy or support. Trust me, I've been trying for years and there is no real help that I can reach to. The things they call as self-help and similar resources provide nothing but "Get up and say hi to the sun to feel better! They don't understand not every person can live in such luxury to see the sun every morning. Especially the ones that live in the slums.

In result, I try to maybe find somebody who accepts me like this or just can understand these struggles. The thing I search in the market is not a beautiful, rich or a genius woman. I do look for somebody who can love me, and I can love back. That's all. I don't care how she looks, what she loves or what kind of a personality she have. This is the product I look out for but because of many reasons I shared, it's so hard. That's why I asked for new ideas and advices in this post.

Sorry for complaining your answers and thank you again for trying to help me in such beautiful answer.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

And also, I can't lie to you, this shit will all be very difficult, if you decide to go down the path of change. It will be slow, and you will wonder if you're even making any progress, and all kinds of other difficulties.

But I know this path. It is possible, at least in some way. I personally had almost no social connections from age 13 until like 20-22, was completely inept, physically weak, and all other unattractive things, and like I said, this is not bragging at all, I'm in a main poly relationship with someone and have 2 other people I love a lot and that at least like me enough to be intimate with me. But this took me 15 years of personal development to come to this point. I also won't deny that I had a much much better start than you, I never had as many perceived problems as you did/do. Maybe to get what you want, it'll take you longer, but maybe it'll also be faster. Maybe you find out on the way that you want something completely different. But I'm almost sure you can get to a point that you will like.

For me, I started this whole path out as a path of "improvement", but really, it was just a path to "becoming the real me"... all these things I wanted to do, wanted to be, all these fears I didn't want to have, all these problems I didn't want to have, they were really just inhibiting the real me. Of course, I'm still limited by my current situation, of having little money and so on, there's lots of things for me as well that aren't really changeable, and I also have a bunch of things still that I would theoretically want to change, but I am now at a point where I can honestly say "good enough", with the situation I was given.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

I was very lucky not to have such physical health problems as you. If you have absolutely no way to get healthcare, then of course you can't change this part. I have not said you can become the most attractive person ever, I also can't do that. Some things you won't be able or it will be too much work for too little gain to change.

However, you can basically change every mental thing. We humans are truly that adaptable. And honestly, when it comes to relationships at least, of any kind, your mentality is, depending on the person, 70%-100% of the important part. Even in "just for sex" maximally physical relationships, the initial selection might be all physical/health attractiveness, but it requires good mentality to keep that attraction after the initial selection.

The things they call as self-help and similar resources provide nothing but

The problematic words here are "nothing but". There are good resources, but they require you to take the chance and time and look for them, and yeah, you'll come across lots of stuff that doesn't help you. And regardless of that, don't look for "self-help" marketed things, just look for psychology books and studies. If you learn about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), sure, an (actual) professional would be much much better and sometimes we do need an outside perspective to identify things, but you already identified lots of things and don't need "a professional doing CBT" on you to be able to learn CBT and apply the techniques to yourself. It's much less effective/efficient, but it works.

but this is all I am

Well, does it have to be? Do you never want to be anything else? You surely have things you wanna do (ok, maybe not, but then finding something would be important), go do them regardless of having romantic relationships or not. This is something you do "for you" to be mentally engaged/have fun, but it also helps you to find a relationship, someone who does fun things is more interesting than someone with none/little.

And all these things you said you "can't" do, yes, you can't do them now. But it is theoretically possible to manage/get rid of OCD behavior, be not disgusted with human bodily functions, and so on and so on. You're still a normal human, you just went through terrible experiences that caused all these things, and result in who you are today. But in the same way, you can make new experiences that override the old ones or at least push them aside, and thus get to a more natural way of living, where maybe you will be less disgusted with the human body, like certain movies, etc etc.

But isn’t it wrong if I try to change myself just for a relationship? Wouldn’t I be not me?

I pondered this myself extensively. My resolution was as follows: do you really want to be disgusted with the human body? Like if you were not disgusted right now, would you want to become disgusted with it? What if you could just wave a magic wand and be completely fine with everything touchy etc? For me, the answers would be "No, I don't want to be disgusted; I would not want to start being disgusted if I currently wasn't; if I could just be rid of it right now, I would do it". So in my opinion, in other words that means you are already a person that isn't disgusted with the human body. The "real" you isn't that. You just temporarily have this because of reasons, but you don't really want it. So trying to change that does not make you "not you", it actually brings you closer to your real you.

And lastly, isn't this desire for a relationship not also "you"? If you want it so much and are willing to change things to get it, that is as much you as anything else.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

You've said a few times this is your first time trying to really socialize in a few years, and that you're also very young. You're going to have to get through these growing pains to be frank. You sound very smart, don't get me wrong, but you're trying to find the cheat code for something that's going to take work. Maybe you do have an "ugly" personality, and you may need to work on how you express yourself because of that, something you may not have had to do before since you were isolated.

You also mentioned a plethora of physical issues. While I absolutely don't think that bars anyone from love, you are asking a lot from what om assuming is another teenager/young adult. You're asking someone to take on all your physical, mental, and social issues all at once, some of which you can't help them with working around because you yourself don't know how to do that yet.

I think you're trying to run before you can walk. Start with friends of any kind. Get better at socializing and catching up on social queues before you try dating. I understand wanting to be in a relationship right now but, and be honest, if a girl with your exact same issues wanted to date you, would you be interested? Would you, at this stage of your life, but looking to put your youth on hold to help her catch up, to deal with mental issues she may not even know she has yet?

TL;DR: Stop focusing on dating. Work on yourself first to bring yourself up to speed with socializing, and focusing on friendships with no expectations. Once that's more comfortable, I would try again. Dating apps are socializing on nightmare mode and you're still in the tutorial.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful answer. I'll consider all of the text for my future plans.

Like mentioned in another comment, my expectations are clear from a partner. I want a person who can love me and who I can love back. I don't care how they look or what they are interested in. Maybe this is so much like you said but I'm not sure what else I can expect. But I definitely not look for a person who should take all my physical, mental, and social issues all at once. That'd be unfair to expect these from a relationship. Not even myself cannot solve these, how can I wait from somebody else?

If a girl with my exact same issues wanted to date me, I would be definitely interested. I've been living with my sister for years, she is sharing very similar and even more deeper problems than me. I know how it is to handle and live with a problematic person. Even with extreme content which I can't talk here. I'm very good in providing emotional support. I put my early teenage years to stop for helping her to catch up so I think I can do the same for a partner. I actually think we'd go well fine together since I seem to show best connection with people who show similar problems with mine. Just to prove, my old girlfriend had similar problems and we went too well. These don't have any connection to why we broke up. It was a thing about her brother

I don't want to focus on friendships with no expectations. My life is math. 2+2 is meaningless without =4 I need an expectation. Beyond that, finding a friend is hard much as finding a relationship for me. I tried to connect with my high school friends but it didn't worked. And I simply don't want a friend.

Thank you again for your comment.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Just curious, you say you don't care how they look, or what they're interested in, nor that you're interested in having a friend at this time. What exactly do you want this girlfriend to add to your life if those things are not even important?

Apologies in advance if I misunderstood.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago (2 children)

First of all, Dating apps just straight up don't work. Unless maybe if you live in a big city are and very good looking. Failing there has nothing to do with you.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Thank you for your comment, I said I know they don't work as well. That's why I deleted them. I don't want to be rude but I specifally asked for solution ideas, not emotional support with "Failing there has nothing to do with you." I specifally mentioned it multiple times in my text. But still, thank you again, it makes me feel better :)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Reacting to people in this way probably has a lot more to do with you being single than any other factor.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Excuse me? I specifally mentioned I don't ask for emotional support multiple times carefully. When the user answered me with one of them, I tried to kindly tell them "I don't look for that." I even thanked them for trying to help. If it offended somebody, I apologize but I don't think that's the main reason I can't find a relationship. It might be if it's a big negative point that I can't see but I doubt it's the main reason.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

You’re an asshole. You can’t find a relationship because you’re an asshole. Maybe try to learn to not be an asshole.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

I don't know why you are doing this but I see this as a ragebait. No needed to use slang words and disrespect towards people with no real explanation.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Nah bro. I’m legitimately trying to help you. If you speak to women like this, trying to demand and dictate the terms of communication, being incapable of accepting any form of criticism, you’re just a walking red flag. How many women have just suddenly stopped talking to you? Do you ever wonder why?

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

If you are trying to help me then why do you use slang words like that one? I think I can accept critcism, can you give me an example where I couldn't? No women stopped talking to me until now. There are ones which either me or both of us decided to seperate ways but never had a experience where she suddenly talking to me. I don't get where you are trying to get by this.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Well, another thing people frequently say is, you got to love yourself, before someone can love you. I mean that's yet another phrase with limited truth in it... But I'd like to say, being in introvert (for example) isn't a bad thing per se. Sure, it comes with consequences. And it makes dating harder. But there are people looking for introverts. You're allowed to embrace that side of yours, it's a good trait from some people's perspective. Social skills come with experience in my opinion. You got to practice that. I'm also an introvert, and I learned talking to people, making small talk, talking about arbitrary stuff and leading a conversation, and judging what my conversational partner might find interesting (or boring).

Appearence isn't something you can change a lot. You can put in some effort to eat correctly, stay in shape, pick clothes that fit who you are or who you want to be... But there isn't really a way to change the symmetry if your face. So don't waste too much time thinking about that, since that's something you can't change. Focus on the things you can change.

And you say you have goals, projects, interests... These are also good things about you. I mean sure, reading, historic things etc might not be very cool or popular. But you know what you like, you have projects and goals... Ultimately that's good personality traits. And lots of people like that in a person, once they started to pay attention to who someone really is.

So... Dating isn't easy, you're not alone with that. And everybody has their own, individual struggles... I'd recommend thinking a bit about who you are, and who you want to be. And what positive traits you have. Start by embracing that about you. Maybe if you do, other people will pick up on that. And don't be disheartened if they don't. People are superficial, they don't look twice, etc...

And yeah, I've heard several times now that dating apps suck for everyone. And they're superficial. And if it's just a picture of someone that pops up and people have to make a split-second decision based on the picture... And you say you don't look that good by common standards... Maybe you don't stand a chance and you got to find some other strategy...

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for your answer, I think I couldn't explain myself too well. I know who I am and who I want to be. There is no problem with this but this doesn't seem attractive for common relationship standards. Like, I see most people find physical touch or eating a common relationship activity but I can't provide neither of them. This doesn't mean I can't find anybody but the possibility is mathematically lower than regular standards, because I can't provide many things that are loved in common relationships. This is one of the reasons why I can't find a date.

And I don't dislike my face shape. I even said if I just take care of it more, I can be around average. the problem is the rest which I try to but can't seem to change. Being underweight, limping, forehead wrinkles, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Some people say "You can get rid of them." but if we look objectively, it's very rare that somebody can entirely escape from traumatic experiences and problems this deep. Of course they can reduce but some things stay as a mark until end of your life. All the things I mentioned need medical help more than just taking care of my face or dressing better. I can and do try to look better but it's a big negative part that I'm limping in 19.

I'm not complaining about what I love. Niche is niche but I'm happy with them. the problem is this is reducing the possibility mathematically as well. If %70 of my country likes modern rap, I do aim for less than %1 who can understand Operas. This reduces the chances and I personally tried to show these positive sides in dating apps, sadly they are look-based like you said. I'll try to show these sides in real life communication in the future but still a negative aspect because these things come after the look, shown in time. I can't say I'm so intelligent and I don't want to be rude but it's hard to find an intelligent lady who can understand stabilized, logic-based relationship life in this country where average IQ is 87. Especially in such early-teenage years.

Thank you for your "Maybe you don't stand a chance and you got to find some other strategy..." recommendation but that's exactly why I made this post. I need an alternate strategy and I can't think of anything else.

I appreciate your long comment.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Hmmh. I think I didn't quite get it at first. But you explain yourself very well. I wish I had some valuable insight to offer, but I don't think I have. I mean most people are looking for something like intimacy and physical touch. It's hard to find the few people who don't want or need that... Technically you don't need a partner, marry and take the common path through life. But you're also looking for something...

I think it kind of boils down to the question, where to find such people. For someone like me, it's super hard to empathize. I get what you say, and you explain your feelings very well. But that's not at all how physical contact feels to me. I guess we have other people like you, I'd imagine some of the people with autism do, or trauma or other kinds of being neuro-divergent. But as this is a bit more rare, I'd say the chances of randomly walking past someone like that on the street are low. So it has to be somewhere on the internet, or some safe-space or group meeting of people who are in similar situations. You may have that in the city, like a regular's table, just to talk to people who can relate... But to my knowledge, that's not a thing in more rural areas. And it's a bit awkward to go there, at least for the fist time. So if you can't do that, it'd be more dedicated internet forums. Or sometimes people met alike people in MMORPGs or other online games, Discord servers... But I don't meet a lot of women there...

There also is another chance to meet more diverse people roughly at your age, if you go to university, or some other kind of higher education. I found there's a lot more niche people there, at least in some fields... But not everyone is able to attend university. And it's not fundamentally different, just slightly better odds. And you still face the same issues with going out, joining clubs...

Anyways, I wish you the best. I hope you can find a way to get there. Don't be too hard on youself, people regularly need way longer than 19 to find someone. And the internet is a vast and diverse place. But also often superficial, heavily biased (at least the common services) and oftentimes without much attention to detail.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

What's your project?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

I prefer to not say it. It's not something I can tell here either way.