I hope you do love reading. I'm a 19 years old male who lives in Türkiye which you might now as Turkey. For my entire life, I went through one platonic love and one failed relationship in high school. Outside of that, I never had anything serious. I spent most of my time working on my ideal project in isolation. It's been some serious time since I communicated anybody outside of my family. Really, outside of three or four family members, I don't remember having any friends for a few years. There is one year of high school where things changed a bit, but it didn't stayed so long. Shortly, I've been in isolation for total of 6 to 7 years if you contain two pieces, but last one kept going on fore more than 3 years. I have no literal experience in human communication or relationships. All I know by the experiences and learning my own thoughts, I'm very loyal and deeply connected to the people around me. This might be happening because of low count of people, but this has been a thing since childhood. I can say I'd be very loyal and love filled towards my partner, trying to support them through things. The problem is, I have many negative traits.
I know this might sound stupid or selfish to ask for a relationship now because I'm not in a good situation. I'm poor, I live in a third world country, I'm not healthy but it's just that I'm 19 years old now and maybe because of hormones -I'm not sure- I seem to want a relationship. Maybe that's because how relationship of my sister is right in front of my eyes or maybe because just the hormones. Maybe it's just wrong to look for love right now because I'm not suitable and have lots of problems but thinking this way doesn't help. For coming to the "ugly" personality title, I'm honest. I don't have emotional words or anything, I'll be logical. I personally think I can provide things that many people consider attractive for relationship. Actually that's why I lost in my last one. Because of experiences I had in my life, I can only provide minimal physical contact, I find bodies disgusting and I can't eat. Like, literally I'm underweight who finds eating very disgusting to a level where I vomit in average level. I'm not asexual too, I'm just a straight male but I can't provide physical contact at all because my brain is overthinking this situation. The human body has a skeleton and blood vessels surrounding it. Some of these vessels are very thin and delicate. In case of any contact, these capillaries put pressure on each other and cause an uncomfortable feeling. I can't physically feel them but I feel disgusting. Then there is the skin on our fingers or body. They are porous, hairy, sensitive, sticky and prepared to expel disgusting fluids such as sweat. That's disturbing. How can people enjoy physical contact? Nearly every female I found in dating apps seem to like physical contact as their love language. I do wash my hands when I touch to somebody else. Don't misunderstand me, I can find body and face beautiful even sexually but can't contact them.
Then there are eyes. Both of my eyes are problematic and even one of them see blurry -I don't have and don't want glasses- because of some self harm history. I can't even cry because when I do, they burn. And I don't like eyes. Sorry, but they are disgusting. They are two soft, round, wet and veined balls, rotating inside my skull, contacting with my skin. That's disturbing me. This started after the break-up with the last relationship of me. She had beautiful eyes so it became a problem for me.
This is hard to say so I'll just go and count down some of my problems as a list, so you can see why it's hard for me to find a date in look. Some of these are personal but this is an empty account I have here, so no one knows me. My right leg is limping because of the spine problem I have from birth. I always have humpback because of that. I have constant eye pain on both -especially on right one- , have constant headaches because of schizophrenia -yep, I do have that as well. What a surprise, eh? God-damit.- and did I said I do look like 45? I'm not a person who literally took care of my physical traits for years. I can objectively say I don't have a ugly in face. If I just wash it and take care of it a little bit, I'm sure I can be average or maybe even a bit above it, but I have forehead wrinkles because of stress. Somebody in my mom's job made fun of "us" -her and me- being too old. When I told her I'm 19 she was shocked. That feels bad that an another person in the bus stop thought I was 45. Dude, I know I'm not looking healthy but please... The problem is, not all my physical problems can go away with care like the spine problem. That's with me for life.
Even outside of physical problems, I can't say I'm a very interesting person. I spent most of my early teenage years up to this age working on my project -still not finished- Never really had a chance to have interests and I'm a kind of stubborn INTJ who dislikes everything. I just do love some Operas, Vintage Music -1800s to 1930s- and Music Boxes -Don't bully me please-, Antique female fashion -1800s to 1930s again-, reading books -solo only- and my project. Other than that I hate going outside, eating anything, sleeping and playing online games. I seem to like classical dancing, but I'm not sure, never had a partner who'd dance with me.
I tried multiple dating apps. OkCupid, Hinge, Boo and even Bumble but outside of Boo, all seemed to be based on the looks. People consider some of them personality based but I disagree. Many of them don't even allow you to filter people at all or just add a proper description. Maybe I do look for descriptions so much. Sadly my like rate was around %0.30 when I deleted Boo last night. It wasn't being very motivational. At least African scammers were there to give me some notifications. Trust me, I tried adjusting my profile to look honest, self-confident or professional. I tried messaging souls with different ways and even tried specially to choose women that are from "my level" which I saw many people talked about online. But seems like I'm not really attractive and the researches about men getting pairs in dating apps are real. I couldn't get a great chance in any of them and it doesn't seem like the person I look for is in neither of these apps. All want short term relationships, extrovert thinking, sex or just happy moments. I can't provide most of these and I look for an intelligent person who can share their love with me and understand me. Maybe even a person who enjoys my interests or support me through this project. Outside of that, I do find deep, thoughtful, intellegent and feminine women attractive. I don't have a proper "beauty" standart but I do like asymetry and special facial traits that are uncommon :)
I left most of my psychological problems behind except for these leftovers, schizophrenia and many small OCD issues. I can understand an emotional person, would like to have deep conversations and meaningful connection. Ah and I might have some -traumatic- problems with breaking up so, just know that. Sometimes feels like I wish I'd live in 1800s. Life was sucking then but relationships were more simpler. I'd like to be Phantom but the problem is it's not just half of my face like his, I don't look charismatic much as him and I don't have a Catherine. Not that I want to have the same ending with him actually.
Please don't tell me "Go outside" in this third world country where a video game is half of my wage and a coffee is the fun of the rich. There are no events, concerts or even areas to really communicate with people. I live in Sakarya, this place is straight up grassland from Garry's Mod. Even if I could communicate somebody, everybody seems to look for short term relationships where they want to share their lovers on TikTok. Look, I don't want to hate on preferences of the people. You can love any song and if you do, that's beautiful. I do respect it. I'm just trying to say I do look for a person who loves Phantom of the Opera while I'm in a country where LvbelC5's "10 Numara" song -about blonde sexy ladies- is the most listened song. Seriously, look it up, that one got 5 times views more than Phantom of the Opera on YouTube.
I don't know what to do actually. Please do not come with these, I do appreciate them but I definitely need another help;
- Emotional support: Thank you but I do need solutions.
- "Go seek out a therapist" I did. More like, I tried. Trust me that's not a solution and I'm serious.
- "Go outside" I explained this situation as well so please do not repeat.
Please remember this is my first time in years communicating with people right now -even in social media- Yeah, I'm dead serious. I seem to be locked on my project for so long, when my high school friends called me I noticed it's been years and I can't talk to anybody anymore. So please don't go hard on me.
Well, another thing people frequently say is, you got to love yourself, before someone can love you. I mean that's yet another phrase with limited truth in it... But I'd like to say, being in introvert (for example) isn't a bad thing per se. Sure, it comes with consequences. And it makes dating harder. But there are people looking for introverts. You're allowed to embrace that side of yours, it's a good trait from some people's perspective. Social skills come with experience in my opinion. You got to practice that. I'm also an introvert, and I learned talking to people, making small talk, talking about arbitrary stuff and leading a conversation, and judging what my conversational partner might find interesting (or boring).
Appearence isn't something you can change a lot. You can put in some effort to eat correctly, stay in shape, pick clothes that fit who you are or who you want to be... But there isn't really a way to change the symmetry if your face. So don't waste too much time thinking about that, since that's something you can't change. Focus on the things you can change.
And you say you have goals, projects, interests... These are also good things about you. I mean sure, reading, historic things etc might not be very cool or popular. But you know what you like, you have projects and goals... Ultimately that's good personality traits. And lots of people like that in a person, once they started to pay attention to who someone really is.
So... Dating isn't easy, you're not alone with that. And everybody has their own, individual struggles... I'd recommend thinking a bit about who you are, and who you want to be. And what positive traits you have. Start by embracing that about you. Maybe if you do, other people will pick up on that. And don't be disheartened if they don't. People are superficial, they don't look twice, etc...
And yeah, I've heard several times now that dating apps suck for everyone. And they're superficial. And if it's just a picture of someone that pops up and people have to make a split-second decision based on the picture... And you say you don't look that good by common standards... Maybe you don't stand a chance and you got to find some other strategy...
Thank you for your answer, I think I couldn't explain myself too well. I know who I am and who I want to be. There is no problem with this but this doesn't seem attractive for common relationship standards. Like, I see most people find physical touch or eating a common relationship activity but I can't provide neither of them. This doesn't mean I can't find anybody but the possibility is mathematically lower than regular standards, because I can't provide many things that are loved in common relationships. This is one of the reasons why I can't find a date.
And I don't dislike my face shape. I even said if I just take care of it more, I can be around average. the problem is the rest which I try to but can't seem to change. Being underweight, limping, forehead wrinkles, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Some people say "You can get rid of them." but if we look objectively, it's very rare that somebody can entirely escape from traumatic experiences and problems this deep. Of course they can reduce but some things stay as a mark until end of your life. All the things I mentioned need medical help more than just taking care of my face or dressing better. I can and do try to look better but it's a big negative part that I'm limping in 19.
I'm not complaining about what I love. Niche is niche but I'm happy with them. the problem is this is reducing the possibility mathematically as well. If %70 of my country likes modern rap, I do aim for less than %1 who can understand Operas. This reduces the chances and I personally tried to show these positive sides in dating apps, sadly they are look-based like you said. I'll try to show these sides in real life communication in the future but still a negative aspect because these things come after the look, shown in time. I can't say I'm so intelligent and I don't want to be rude but it's hard to find an intelligent lady who can understand stabilized, logic-based relationship life in this country where average IQ is 87. Especially in such early-teenage years.
Thank you for your "Maybe you don't stand a chance and you got to find some other strategy..." recommendation but that's exactly why I made this post. I need an alternate strategy and I can't think of anything else.
I appreciate your long comment.
Hmmh. I think I didn't quite get it at first. But you explain yourself very well. I wish I had some valuable insight to offer, but I don't think I have. I mean most people are looking for something like intimacy and physical touch. It's hard to find the few people who don't want or need that... Technically you don't need a partner, marry and take the common path through life. But you're also looking for something...
I think it kind of boils down to the question, where to find such people. For someone like me, it's super hard to empathize. I get what you say, and you explain your feelings very well. But that's not at all how physical contact feels to me. I guess we have other people like you, I'd imagine some of the people with autism do, or trauma or other kinds of being neuro-divergent. But as this is a bit more rare, I'd say the chances of randomly walking past someone like that on the street are low. So it has to be somewhere on the internet, or some safe-space or group meeting of people who are in similar situations. You may have that in the city, like a regular's table, just to talk to people who can relate... But to my knowledge, that's not a thing in more rural areas. And it's a bit awkward to go there, at least for the fist time. So if you can't do that, it'd be more dedicated internet forums. Or sometimes people met alike people in MMORPGs or other online games, Discord servers... But I don't meet a lot of women there...
There also is another chance to meet more diverse people roughly at your age, if you go to university, or some other kind of higher education. I found there's a lot more niche people there, at least in some fields... But not everyone is able to attend university. And it's not fundamentally different, just slightly better odds. And you still face the same issues with going out, joining clubs...
Anyways, I wish you the best. I hope you can find a way to get there. Don't be too hard on youself, people regularly need way longer than 19 to find someone. And the internet is a vast and diverse place. But also often superficial, heavily biased (at least the common services) and oftentimes without much attention to detail.