You probably have some sort of sociopathic leanings, which you aren’t acting on (this is good) A severe disconnect from valuing other lives. This is a type of neurodivergence I think. I’m the kind of person who will risk getting stung by a wasp that’s found her way in my home rather than take a life, so I’m the other extreme perhaps.
I think learning about ecology would be the most “helpful” route for you. I think a lot about the beauty of finding 13+ ant species in a square meter - what that indicates about complex intertwining systems of life, and how beautiful that is. There’s an enthralling relationship between a certain type of tree in Africa and ants that leads to the ants protecting the tree, while the tree creates a place for the ants to live… the more you learn the more you realize how complicated this is, and how humans can never possibly understand this enough to intervene without fucking things up.
Does that allow travel before the eternal September?