Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don't actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don't have a funny take, and you're just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍
this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2024
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NonCredibleDefense
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In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.
Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.
After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.
General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren't playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.
On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.
So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It's just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.
A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?
My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.
Homie could you imagine Amish Guerrilla Warfare? Those dudes are so down to earth you'd think it was straight up the earth that attacked you. They dont even need GPS to know where they are. Mormons are gonna need some huge advantage other than their thug stratagem to beat the Amish Will.
Images going to bed in an Mormon military base and waking up that, surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night
…surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night
Just a modest shed, really…
Amish guerilla agents coming out of literally every tree, bush, patch of vegetation imaginable
The Amish are the Vietnamese of the USA?
It's one of the rare examples that's almost the opposite of a population heat map.
I'm in the firm belief that Amish are crazy but harmless.
Mormons are not that. Mormons are a modern organization, and one that is ruthless and demanding of its followers, and with funding to spare.
Mormons. And it's over in a week, tops.
Mormons are really into guns on the whole. There's an entire fundie Mormon clan (the Kingstons) that own Desert Tech, an arms manufacturer. Mormons in general have a very high rate of enlistment in military services, while the Amish are pacifists and opposed to any form of modern technology. And don't forget that you have the Deseret Nationalists that are quite willing to murder for their religion.
Desert Tech
If the momos make DT rifles their standard issue, the Amish will win.
I know not how we will fight WW3, but WW4 will be fought with magic underwear and beards with no mustache.
The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.
Mormons aren't just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.
Mormons hands down, they're more strapped than you think and have no compunction against modern weapons whereas afaik the amish probably stop somewhere before the 1900s. Plus they could maybe convert some of the Amish (wololo), they're good at that and the Amish don't bother.
The Amish are strict pacifists (except in regards to domestic violence) so they can’t even have a sword
Mormons, no question. Unlike the Amish they believe in using technology, and as a bonus, some of the best city planning in America is in Utah
The Amish are pacifists and the Mormons have been involved in several wars so my bet is on the Mormons.
Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.
Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol
Last I checked the LDS have actual industrial arms manufacturering capacity.
This is the real answer, there are soooo many Mormon gun companies and defense contractors it's fucking wild.
They also literally run the US government
No, that's evangelicals.
i heard that CIA recruits from mormons
That can't be real because everyone knows
THERE IS NO CIA
I think it even says that in the CIA fact book, which means it is in fact a fact
Lots of Mormons in the Secret Service, FBI, etc. Their jingoistic fervor is highly sought after.
some recruiters call this "low-risk behavior", apparently cult takeover was not one of these risks
Yeah their adherence to the Mormon faith means they live largely without indulging in vices so they are harder to compromise/extort (allegedly)
yeah they might be harder to compromise with booze but they are already compromised by cult thinking, best deal in history lol
FBI:
Mormons lose big, and here's why.
Those damn bright white shirts. Easy targets.
No way you can miss them, even on the smokiest battlefield.
The Amish blend into the background better.
The problem is, in order to actually hit a target, you need to shoot. Amish don't shoot.
That's what they want you to think!
Now I wanna see a horse drawn buggy that goes BRRRRRRRTTT
I think I gotta hand it to the Amish on this one. I’ve seen how quickly they can build a barn. Imagine how quickly they could fortify a front. The Mormons just don’t have that capability. Not to mention the Mormon limited selection of hot drinks to drink on the cold bitter front. It would make it far more difficult to fight that war.
Now I want to see the Amish and the Romans trying to out-build each other on a battlefield.
Amish 100% because most sects allow for machinery in construction so long as it's not on the property is necessary and proceeds benefit the community. You'll see Amish construction workers doing wheelies in skid steers off property.
Plus I don't really think many people know about or separate mennonites from Amish and that they're allowed most forms of technology but dress similarly and live in similar dwellings in similar settings.