this post was submitted on 11 Nov 2026
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] opensesame_365@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago

Could just use the helium and skip the gun, spare yourself the hassle

[–] hakunawazo@lemmy.world 11 points 1 day ago

Was that the plot of "Up"? It's been a while...

[–] NickwithaC@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago
[–] kamen@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago

Yeah, let's not only disturb the people around you, but also leave them a puzzle...

[–] x00z@lemmy.world 19 points 2 days ago (2 children)

>get strong and sharp metal wire
>get glue
>make noose from wire
>put head trough noose
>glue hands to hair
>kick chair away

Your friends and family will find you with your head being held in your hands as if you ripped it off yourself.

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[–] Valmond@lemmy.dbzer0.com 42 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Survives but it hurts and it's painful as hell, I want to finish it but the gun flew away.

Just like 15 meters though where it got caught in a tree and the wind made it go off again, shooting me in the balls.

[–] SlurpingPus@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago

Directed by Robert B. Weide.

Hmmmm, do a Luigi, but with the balloons taking the gun while you take the Citibike?

[–] Sendpicsofsandwiches@sh.itjust.works 61 points 3 days ago (5 children)
[–] heartSagan5@lemmy.zip 7 points 2 days ago

Of course it's Florida man.

[–] djsoren19@lemmy.blahaj.zone 22 points 3 days ago (1 children)

reality is stranger than fiction

or more likely, anon was inspired

Look at the date on the article as opposed to the greentext. I think it might have been Florida Man who was inspired lol

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[–] Apeman42@lemmy.world 121 points 3 days ago (2 children)

>buy Helium

>around 10,000 balloon

>gun

>attach balloons filled with helium to self

>shoot yourself

>let the corpse fly away

>no one will ever know

Thank me later

[–] dragonbringerx@lemmy.world 64 points 3 days ago (1 children)

One day, ballons deflate

Corpse comes raining down out of the sky

No one will know what the fuck is going on

Thank me later

[–] FifiSuzuki@lemmy.world 23 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I'd like to thank you now.

Thank you.

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[–] Spider2013@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 2 days ago (2 children)
[–] Apeman42@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

That's so many fewer balloons than I thought you'd need, wow.

On the other hand, I found an article with a picture, and even that many is a huge mass:

https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna24259555

[–] Ilovethebomb@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

That was a fascinating story, did he not check the weather at all?

[–] Spider2013@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 1 day ago

If i recall correctly, he didn’t know how to use the gps. It was a pre smartphone era

[–] Rivalarrival@lemmy.today 88 points 3 days ago (8 children)

The gun is going to come down somewhere. Gravity is a bitch like that. So, coastline, and make sure the winds are out to sea. Not just the surface winds, but also the winds aloft. When the gun does eventually come down, it is still going to be connected to the balloons, and will be floating at the surface for days. A balloon mass this large could attract attention. You'll want some kind of water soluble string to drop the gun and ensure it sinks.

As it ascends, the balloon cluster is going to show up on doorbell cameras. The noise of the gunshot is going to draw witnesses with phone cameras. At the very least, you need a moonless night. Fog bank and low ceilings can help. Definitely don't want to try this during the day.

[–] dalekcaan@feddit.nl 32 points 3 days ago

This guy balloon guns

[–] thesohoriots@lemmy.world 41 points 3 days ago

Mary Glockkins

[–] slaacaa@lemmy.world 19 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Thinking about it, you could really fuck with local authorities.

Drench yourself in the water at the shore, wear clothes with tags torn out, and have a notebook in your pocket with pages after pages of random numbers. Police and intelligence agency staff will work all-nighters to figure out who was the spy they found and who shot them.

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[–] paraproto@szmer.info 3 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I wonder if there is a level of elaboration in suicide planning where you stop being suicidal, because now you have a lot of interests and leafs of motivation are now so far from the original trunk, that you now have will to live.

Now you like walks near the shore, checking weather patterns and how they form so you could notice them with your naked eye. Now you picked up balooning hobby, maybe you got in contact with other people on a forum, maybe you read a book. Now you got interested in materials science and chemistry, you organized a little lab somewhere and got sucked up by this fascinating subject. Later on you could start thinking about marine life and if it would be affected by your actions. That would be another rabbit hole. Maybe someone asked on the ballooning forum about glues and it was something you have recently read from a chemistry book and you recommend against said glue, because it could be harmful for marine life.

[–] Rivalarrival@lemmy.today 2 points 2 days ago

The suicide is just the constraint. It's the device that drives the plot. The central thesis is the mystery. How is the mystery preserved beyond the magician's provably final act?

We haven't broached the logistics of filling a large quantity of balloons with a lifting gas, without leaving clues to that fact. Do we have gas cylinders lying around? If not, did someone see us disposing of them shortly before the coroner's estimated TOD? Some balloons are likely to pop during the process; do a few scraps of latex give away the plot?

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[–] FatVegan@leminal.space 9 points 3 days ago (3 children)

Some guy at a lake bear me once killed himself. He had a cgest wound but they found no gun. Suicide wasn't really on the table because it's weird to shoot youself in tge chest, and then where is the gun? Did he throw it in the lake with hia last breath? Non of it made sense, the bullet hole was weird, they found gunpowder residu that wasn't common from gunfire. At his home they found a sort of contraption that no one cared about, because it seemed unrelated. But then they found a similar one next to the body and it was a string and some branch and a little rock or whatever he used. He was swinging that rock around to hit the bullet at the right location to fire it. They suspected it took him hours. Later they found out that people saw him for weeks, sitting there playimg with some rock branch toy or whatever.

What an absolute insane way to die.

[–] BlaestEgnen@feddit.dk 3 points 2 days ago

I guess the real question is, did he even intend to hit himself?

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[–] trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world 76 points 3 days ago (7 children)

Do not do this. Helium is a scarce resource and those balloons create pollution and kill animals when they come down.

[–] Rivalarrival@lemmy.today 3 points 2 days ago

There are a couple viable alternatives to helium for this particular application. Hydrogen and methane are both adequate lifting gasses.

[–] endless_nameless@lemmy.world 41 points 3 days ago (3 children)

I'll just shoot myself with a gun made of ice instead

[–] yakko@feddit.uk 26 points 3 days ago

We already have ice that can kill you on a hair trigger, it's called yelling at snowy mountains

[–] trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world 14 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Smart. We just need a 3d printer that can print ice

[–] endless_nameless@lemmy.world 14 points 3 days ago

I was just gonna make a mold of a gun I already have and freeze some water in it

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[–] BlueberryWalnut@sopuli.xyz 19 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, use hydrogen for quadruple the lifting power! Send that gun to space!

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[–] glimse@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Helium is no longer all that scarce but balloons definitely create pollution and kill animals

[–] charokol@lemmy.zip 8 points 3 days ago (1 children)
[–] glimse@lemmy.world 10 points 3 days ago (3 children)

We've just been relying on helium deposits that are running dry and have to use other methods of extracting it that are less economical

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[–] WongKaKui@piefed.ca 35 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Anon: "Haha I bet they cant solve this case!"

Detective after investigating for 5 minutes: "Alright pack it up, boys. Natural Causes. He had a pre-existing condition of lead poisoning. Anyways, anyone wanna go get a donut with me?"

[–] JustEnoughDucks@feddit.nl 8 points 2 days ago

Either that or they just peg it on the relative or random black person, fabricate evidence and testimony, and then send an innocent to jail.

[–] ceenote@lemmy.world 51 points 3 days ago (1 children)

How could I thank you later?

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[–] DonkeyStar@lemmy.world 13 points 3 days ago

Gun sticks on thumb, potentially leaving a festive corpse.

Or, more fun, balloons hit basement ceiling, mystery solved.

[–] kalpol@lemmy.ca 9 points 3 days ago

This was a Sherlock Holmes story

[–] THEPIGWHODIDIT@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

Up and Soul have a weird crossover sequel

[–] Mycatiskai@lemmy.ca 15 points 3 days ago

Unless you pay cash for the balloons and somehow get helium from somewhere without a bottle deposit there will be a paper trail for the setup.

[–] Emi@ani.social 15 points 3 days ago (7 children)

I think they can tell it was self inflicted gunshot but yeah, the missing gun will be a mystery.

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