this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2026
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Not The Onion

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cross-posted from: https://beehaw.org/post/28517588

FBI Director Kash Patel might be the most ludicrous, scandal-dogged Donald Trump henchman in this incompetent, embarrassing second administration. An Atlantic report on Patel in April chronicled a pattern of heavy drinking, odd behavior, and mysterious absences—it was headlined “The FBI Director Is MIA.” Representative Jamie Raskin is investigating his payments of more than $1 million in taxpayer dollars to favored FBI agents. He’s fired long-term, respected FBI agents for political reasons. Patel has also been in trouble for using public assets to ferry himself and his country music star girlfriend to entertainment venues. He’s regularly rumored to be close to being fired.

Patel was grilled on some of his decisions at a Senate Judiciary Committee oversight hearing on Tuesday. He opened by recounting a barrage of purported FBI accomplishments in reducing violent crime and thwarting terrorism, many of which were exaggerations or falsehoods, featuring activities largely the terrain of other agencies, not the FBI. But the most attention went to his hilarious answer on the serious question of why the FBI had lowered its standards to recruit new agents, and no longer bars applicants who’ve engaged in prostitution, trafficking, or bestiality. The FBI, by many reports, has lowered other standards, at least partly because so many have either been fired, or left the agency on their own under Patel’s leadership.

Illinois Senator Dick Durbin opened by saying flatly that Patel should be replaced. He was the first to express bewilderment at the agency’s new welcome mat to applicants who’d “engaged in bestiality.” It was left to GOP Senator John Kennedy to drill down on the strange new regulation. When pushed, Katel insisted that “the previous regulation automatically disqualified any individual who participated in either side of it,” to which Kennedy asked what the entire audience had to be wondering: “Either side of bestiality? So you disqualified the animal?”

Kennedy went on: “You’re not saying that if a human being had sex with an animal, they can be an FBI agent?”

Patel tried to explain. “Applicants who have engaged in bestaility means they were victims of bestiality because they were forced to do so. At this FBI we are not going to criminalize and prevent victims from serving.”

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[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

"THEY'RE FUCKING THE DOGS AND CATS"

[–] resipsaloquitur@lemmy.cafe 3 points 2 days ago

Eating pussy.

[–] mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 6 points 2 days ago

You heard him. Those sheep just are too pretty. it's the men fucking them who are the real victim.

[–] djsoren19@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 2 days ago

Illinois Senator Dick Durbin opened by saying flatly that Patel should be replaced. He was the first to express bewilderment at the agency’s new welcome mat to applicants who’d “engaged in bestiality.”

I don't always love this guy but this was a great moment out of him.

"Either side of bestiality? So you disqualified the animal?"

I'll admit, that quip got a guffaw out of me.

Well at least it's some good news for Welsh-Americans.

[–] LazyBaby@lemmy.zip 44 points 3 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (3 children)

Hahahahaha being an American citizen is so fuckin embarrassingn

edit: why are there so many people who can't seem to follow this relatively short conversation

[–] Sanguine@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 points 3 days ago (6 children)

I'm not embarrassed I'm fucking angry.

A lot of really kind people live here and without white washing our very valid and obvious flaws, we have also done a lot of really cool shit.

These last 12 years have been exhausting.

[–] borkborkbork@piefed.social 5 points 3 days ago (3 children)

anger is the right reaction. all that good work done by generations of humble, hard working people, trying to bend the arc of the moral universe and being stymied by fuckwits like litch mcconnell and trump.

it's fucking disgusting and we should be angry.

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As much as I loathe the American empire and wish to make it burn, bleed, and die. There are still good folks across this shit heap who deserve better.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 days ago

It's possible to be both

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[–] Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 18 points 3 days ago (1 children)

If you know enough history you’re already embarrassed

[–] LazyBaby@lemmy.zip 6 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

Not really? I don't think there are too many countries I've learned about where I was like "wow they never did anything wrong or embarrassing" throughout all of their history

[–] Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Maybe we should all be embarrassed

[–] TheGoldenV@lemmy.world 11 points 3 days ago

Waayyyy ahead of ya.

[–] LazyBaby@lemmy.zip 7 points 3 days ago

Haha that's the real lesson in all of this!

[–] borkborkbork@piefed.social 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (16 children)

eh, yeah, but also.... in a lot of ways the US like... speedruns shitty stuff. like regularly. abu ghraib, the Tuskegee experiment, mk ultra, cointelpro, the trail of tears, slavery, the KKK not being declared a terrorist org, confederate statues, iranian schoolkids killed because the dod used ai, like, every fucking few years there's another absolutely heinous revelation bordering on madness and yet... the US keeps chuggin.

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[–] Triasha@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago

I watched this, he was saying that victims of trafficing who were forced into beastiality by their traffickers were previously automatically disqualified and now they are not. Traffickers and those who committed beastiality without. Being coerced remain disqualified.

[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.wtf 24 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Who here amongst us hasn't been tricked into sex by a horse claiming to be Sarah Jessica Parker?

[–] III@lemmy.world 9 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Wait.... that wasn't Sarah?... I guess I have a career in the FBI ahead of me.

[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.wtf 6 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Congratulations, Agent III.

[–] III@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

Thanks, maybe if I am lucky I can find out more about █████ in the ███████ █████. ...wait... what the ████ is this. Why are my words █████ ████████ ███ █████? Is this my life now if I ████ about █████████ ████████?... I never should have fucked that horse.

[–] multiplemigs@sh.itjust.works 11 points 3 days ago

it'd be funnier if i didn't live here. shout out to all the dog fuckers in the FBI. godspeed you freaks.

[–] Quexotic@sh.itjust.works 21 points 3 days ago (1 children)

This implies a disturbingly specific recruitment demographic.

[–] ramble81@lemmy.zip 9 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Or he has some skeletons that he’s worried could come out.

[–] Quexotic@sh.itjust.works 2 points 2 days ago

And now I need to look at internet kittens to wash that image out my head.

Doin good work Ramble, the lord's work even.

[–] piskertariot@lemmy.world 19 points 3 days ago (1 children)
[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 13 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Not the first time he’s mentioned beastiality out of the blue.

Me thinks he’s trying tell us something.

[–] Ioughttamow@fedia.io 9 points 3 days ago

If they ban bestiality then how can they recruit agents with that dog in them?

[–] Smeagol666@crazypeople.online 7 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

I'm fucking positive Papa Drumpf put him up to it. Anything to distract us from the Epstein files and his illegal war in Iran.

This shit's more ridiculous than an SNL skit inside of a South Park episode.

[–] Tiger666@lemmy.ca 5 points 3 days ago

South America, not South Park.

[–] TachyonTele_Esq@piefed.social 3 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Patel is a furry confirmed

[–] shartgargle@lemmy.zip 5 points 3 days ago

Don't do furries like that.

[–] Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca 1 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Not quite. Furries like to dress as animals but are still having sex with humans. A little odd, perhaps, but still perfectly legal and I wish them all happiness in their affairs even though it really doesn't do it for me.

Patel would be more accurately characterized as a "zoophile" who have actual sex with animals. This is illegal as ALL FUCK because the animal CANNOT CONSENT which, in my mind, is only one step away from being a fucking pedo. But what the hell... the latter are already welcome in the USA so might as well bring in all the other rapists.

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