this post was submitted on 07 Sep 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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top 33 comments
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[–] lefaucet@slrpnk.net 5 points 3 hours ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

A hamster sidekick is acceptable so long as their duties are limited to consulting, moral support, celebrations of deeds done and piloting very small vehicles. Tasty treats must be provided

-Mr Pebbles 2nd vice chair Hamster side kick union

[–] Schadrach@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 3 hours ago

Pretty sure Gundham Tanaka's Four Dark Devas of Destruction are prior art for exactly this. Also accomplices to murder, so they're apparently pretty effective minions.

[–] spirinolas@lemmy.world 3 points 4 hours ago

Next thing you know, they'll try to make a show about hamsters trying to take over the world.

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 1 points 3 hours ago

It's all about consent. If the hamster is into it, then you're good to go.

So what is it? A heist? It's a heist, isn't it?

[–] ByteJunk@lemmy.world 18 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago) (3 children)

This reminds me of one of the OG memes.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon,’ my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract

[–] Gonzako@lemmy.world 3 points 8 hours ago

Ew, animals don't belong in rectums, neither do matches but that's up to them

[–] Ghost_Mermaid@lemmy.zip 3 points 8 hours ago (1 children)
[–] ByteJunk@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

It was for the best. Neither man nor beast should ever see the things poor Raggot saw...

[–] mugthol@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 8 hours ago

What happened to rhe gerbil?

[–] Not_mikey@lemmy.dbzer0.com 19 points 13 hours ago
[–] PhDont@lemmy.world 2 points 9 hours ago

Is this the Dado origin story?

[–] dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 38 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

I had two hamsters. Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie ate Clyde. Chewed through her cage, crossed a bedroom, chewed into Clyde's cage, and ate him side first. Ate through her final cage, his ribcage.

You are not a ne'er-do-well with a hamster sidekick. You are a poor, manipulated human under the spell of an evil hamster.

[–] Alcoholicorn@mander.xyz 18 points 17 hours ago (2 children)
[–] village604@adultswim.fan 4 points 4 hours ago

Sometimes hamsters will just do that.

Keep rodents for long enough and you'll witness cannibalism.

[–] dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 1 points 3 hours ago

We fed em, Bonnie was just evil. Clyde showed up one day on my mom's porch, during a period in which I had been kidnapped (familial kidnapping) and brought a lot of comfort to my brother and mom during that time. The guy at the pet store (this was 90s, pre Internet for us) told them he needed a companion, and to keep them in separate cages and only let them interact supervised, so that's what they did. They got Bonnie and set everything up, but Bonnie despised Clyde and everything about his good, sweet, and pure little hamster soul. Shortly after I got back, Bonnie committed her ultimate crime.

[–] lemmysmash@piefed.social 52 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

I think he could find more information about hamsters on xhamster.com.

[–] QuinnyCoded@sh.itjust.works 24 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

oh me folly! many penises!!

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 points 16 hours ago

Title of your sex tape

[–] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 35 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

I once watched a hamster die by aspiration, and another just kinda keeled over from the excitement at watching one of its housemates die. I don't think hamsters are built for that life.

[–] Test_Tickles@lemmy.world 13 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Ya, everyone knows that guinea pigs are the ones for shady shit.

[–] bdonvr@thelemmy.club 8 points 15 hours ago

REEEEEEE REEEE REEREEEEE

[–] jonesy@aussie.zone 23 points 19 hours ago (3 children)
[–] cheat700000007@lemmy.world 1 points 3 hours ago

After you leave Dynaheir to get killed

[–] decolo@piefed.social 5 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago)

GO FOR THE EYES, BOO!!

[–] gigastasio@sh.itjust.works 12 points 18 hours ago
[–] FiniteBanjo@feddit.online 4 points 15 hours ago

It is actually cruel to place a hamster in any situation that will result in harm or loss of the hamster, such as down a shirt or in a purse.

Hamsters can be very fragile.

[–] Lumidaub@feddit.org 8 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

Not if it's a miniature giant space hamster.

[–] ceenote@lemmy.world 6 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Boo would never get involved in nefarious deeds.

[–] Lumidaub@feddit.org 3 points 18 hours ago

That's his prerogative. Luckily there's plenty of his species, one of them will be game. Try offering your enemy's eyes.

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 5 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Who's to say that it is in fact this hamster who is controlling this human in these nefarious schemes.

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 15 hours ago

You mean like Ratatouille, but better?

[–] gon@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 19 hours ago