Ask Lemmy

The week after I graduated high school, my father stayed charging me $150/week in rent. Moving out and splitting a place with two other roommates allowed me to actually save money.

Ya I know I have good parents. I hated moving out. Worked all the time and was alone. In a giant city with strangers.

On the bright side I learned being naked while alone isn't weird. So that was a plus.

My father and I hadn't spoken in a few years by the time I moved out, so even though I was living with my then fiancee (now ex) in her parents' basement, I felt significantly more welcome there (and yeah I definitely didn't feel super welcome, but also, I was a fresh college graduate without a job, it's not like I'd love having one of those move into my basement).

We broke up shortly after I got a job and we'd moved out of her parents' place. It'd been falling apart for a while at that point. Having my own place was absolute liberation for the few months before a college friend moved onto my couch and a few months later I moved in with my now wife. I didn't feel like a burden or annoyance on anyone. I got my own couch. I didn't have to worry about being observed (it's still stressful, but was especially so before working on my cptsd). I could bring people over without asking whether friends or sexual partners. I love being married, but I do partly miss that level of non negotiated control over my home. It was good for me

Being Gen X it was pretty free range at my house. But probably the biggest irritation was having plans made for you. Doesn’t matter what it was, some kind of work that needed to be done or something. Hated having a plan in my head for the day or whatever and the parents would be “nope, you’re gonna be doing ‘x, y, and z’…” with no warning. MF why u wait until I have something to do to tell me?! Also, the power to make my own decisions. My parents made a lot of decisions for us without our input or knowledge, so it made decision making kinda difficult when we got out on our own. Something as simple as getting a bank account or choosing what classes we took in school. Unfortunately having to escape a verbally abusive narcissist of a parent was huge plus.

So yeah, mostly having control over my own plans and agenda, getting info and making decisions. I say “mostly” because life still throws shit at you that’s out of your control sometimes.

Edit: ITT - wow. Reading the other replies = a lot of people with shitty parent problems. Ouch.

Not having my mom around.

I don't hate her, but our relationship improved drastically once we didn't live together. We are different personalities and while I love and respect her as a mother, I don't really need her around. Especially considerinv her "while you are under my roof..." and "please do [thing], it'd make me happy" going on.

I pretty much call the shots in what I want to do. There's nobody coming to me to tell me I need to do things at a certain time or they'll be upset if it is not done. I run my own schedule.

Having some place to bring dates that doesn't also house my parents.

It's surprising how freeing it is to not consult anyone about anything.

Thought process is: Whelp, I'm bored of this video game. I'm going to head to the gym quick before study group.

Trying to do the same thing living with parents: You try to go to the gym. "Hey, where you headed? Gym. At this hour? Don't you have a thing soon? Yea, I'll be quick. You sure? What if someone shows up early? It'll be fine mom. Ok ok, you're an adult, I get it. Drive safe.

It's not that they stoped me from doing anything I wanted to, but removing that minor inconvenience of haveing to know where you are, double check your reasoning, confim schedules. It's a hidden emotional drain. A lot of times you are so used to it you don't even know it's there. Until it's gone.

Want to go grab a massive borrito at 11pm? Fuck it, go. Want to try a food that you didn't like as a kid without the peanut gallery chiming in with stories? Do it, nobody around to lovingly tease you.

It can be a little lonely at times, but oh man is it worth it. I've found myself at midnight, hiking in a canyon, by myself, enjoying the moment. The sort of stuff that will never happen living with parents.

It's easier to just not do those spontaneous things with the criticism. But remove that, and you start learning more about what you like and who you are.

Being able to sit down, relax, and do nothing without it being seen as a reason to assign work to you.

Having a happier, less stressful environment. It's hard having to pay bills and keep a roof over my head, but no one is screaming at me about stupid shit and I feel safe in my home now. I'd rather work OT every week forever than live with my parents again.

Being able to exist on my own schedule and not having to worry about other people. Being able to set my own rules and standards for my home. I can eat when I want, shower when I want, and come and go as I please without having to answer to my parents or work around my family's schedule. I'm a very clean person and hate messes, but my mom is a neat freak, and I can decide to leave dishes for tomorrow or throw clothing on the floor without someone screaming at me. I can also decide to eat dinner in my living room. The first year after I moved out I ate meals sitting in bed so much simply because it was the first time in my life I was allowed to have food in my bedroom. Now I don't ever eat in bed because I don't care, but I can if I want. There's no rule saying I can't.

My mom can no longer breach my personal space.

Being able to forge a new relationship with them after a few years apart. To get to know and understand them as flawed people rather than imperfect parents, and them in turn learning to respect and trust me as an adult.

And being able to take as long baths as I want without any disruptions.

I'm not particular about being organized (nor am I messy) but I have a pet peeve when people move my things and I can't find them.

I didn't realize how often this happened until I moved out and could consistently find my keys, sunglasses, shoes, etc. This was weirdly a huge relief as every time I would try to go some place I'd get stuck for 5-15 minutes trying to figure out where and why my family decided to relocate things.

Achievement unlocked: self-reliance

Being able to make my own decisions and experiences instead of getting them laid out before me. Having my own household and agency over my life did a lot and also improved my relationship with my parents.

Only for me to move back after 10 years, take over the property and am now looking after them instead of the other way around.

Mostly, escaping my mother and allowing me to begin to build healthy boundaries with her.

I grew up with parents who are both near assuredly ADHD, my mother has severe narcisistic tendencies, and my father means well but was fairly absent (overworks himself and is forgetful of plans).

They also had a ton of marital friction and issues that I ended up caught up in the middle of. I'm honestly shocked they didn't divorce, but they do seem to finally work now as a couple.

Anyway, benefits to me (mostly escaping trauma):

Being able to choose how I spend my time, without my mother constantly trying to steer it to uses she considered "productive", without constant judgement of my hobbies as somehow being some net negative against my future life prospects. I don't have to justify every choice and action I make that doesn't match up to my mother's messed up idea of how my life should work or what she (incorrectly) thinks would make me more organized/responsible/whatever the fuck.

I've been able to actually take the time and figure out what works for me instead of hopping on whatever harebrained fad idea my mother has that has been further filtered through her own issues and her family's massive anxiety about appearances.

I'm allowed to give up on a course of action when I realize it's a lost cause, rather than beat my head into paste and continue grinding my neck stump against the same wall.

And I can't overstate the weight off my shoulder from just not having to deal with the constant judgement, and the constant comparison to people in my age range who she hardly fucking knew but somehow felt qualified to tell me precisely how they were successful (she was wrong most of the time because I already knew these kids better than her, but that didn't stop her).

I have a space that's mine. I don't need to worry about what I leave out, or how it appears to people who don't have to live in it. I don't need to worry about someone kicking in a door because I dared not to engage in a screaming match.

While I can't help myself from memorizing footfalls, I don't have to arrange myself and my space when I hear someone upset, bracing for impact.

Non-trauma benefits: I can do whatever I want with my space, and unless I invite someone into it I'm the only one effected or judging it.

I can organize in ways that make sense for me.

I can invite people over for any reason at all, even just to hang out with no real plan or goal.

If I can't find something, or something is messy, I can't (correctly or not) hide behind it being someone else's fault or problem.

If I decide I don't like something, I can change it.

I can leave a project half done and not have to move it out of the way so it won't get messed with.

Perceived freedom to make stupid choices with less judgement

For me it's obvious: my dad's an alcoholic. There was a sufficient reduction in random hallway pissing, insults, death threats, and so on.

I still somehow have a relationship with the guy, but living with him w/ vodka in the house is a miserable time.

Being able to leave the house whenever I want. I have an extremely controlling parent. She still tries to tell me not to go out, not to talk to people, etc. and I don't live there. I am 30.

My food won't get eaten by grandmother so that was nice. There's a guy over there that's always there and loves me? That's pretty sweet. I can be silly and not usually get sighed at? There's more, but my brain is very holey tonight.

No more yelling for no fucking reason.

The answer is in the title, really. No parents.

Being able to occasionally buy good food. Like, good artisanal chocolate or bread are things I can just have in the house rather than having to eat whatever my parents would buy.

no longer being used as slave labor to paint, roof the house, build new fences, wash the windows far too often, and on and on and on. Now i'm content to live on a pile of shit because i've already done enough work for one lifetime.