Ask Lemmy

Mostly, escaping my mother and allowing me to begin to build healthy boundaries with her.

I grew up with parents who are both near assuredly ADHD, my mother has severe narcisistic tendencies, and my father means well but was fairly absent (overworks himself and is forgetful of plans).

They also had a ton of marital friction and issues that I ended up caught up in the middle of. I'm honestly shocked they didn't divorce, but they do seem to finally work now as a couple.

Anyway, benefits to me (mostly escaping trauma):

Being able to choose how I spend my time, without my mother constantly trying to steer it to uses she considered "productive", without constant judgement of my hobbies as somehow being some net negative against my future life prospects. I don't have to justify every choice and action I make that doesn't match up to my mother's messed up idea of how my life should work or what she (incorrectly) thinks would make me more organized/responsible/whatever the fuck.

I've been able to actually take the time and figure out what works for me instead of hopping on whatever harebrained fad idea my mother has that has been further filtered through her own issues and her family's massive anxiety about appearances.

I'm allowed to give up on a course of action when I realize it's a lost cause, rather than beat my head into paste and continue grinding my neck stump against the same wall.

And I can't overstate the weight off my shoulder from just not having to deal with the constant judgement, and the constant comparison to people in my age range who she hardly fucking knew but somehow felt qualified to tell me precisely how they were successful (she was wrong most of the time because I already knew these kids better than her, but that didn't stop her).

I have a space that's mine. I don't need to worry about what I leave out, or how it appears to people who don't have to live in it. I don't need to worry about someone kicking in a door because I dared not to engage in a screaming match.

While I can't help myself from memorizing footfalls, I don't have to arrange myself and my space when I hear someone upset, bracing for impact.

Non-trauma benefits: I can do whatever I want with my space, and unless I invite someone into it I'm the only one effected or judging it.

I can organize in ways that make sense for me.

I can invite people over for any reason at all, even just to hang out with no real plan or goal.

If I can't find something, or something is messy, I can't (correctly or not) hide behind it being someone else's fault or problem.

If I decide I don't like something, I can change it.

I can leave a project half done and not have to move it out of the way so it won't get messed with.