Comic Strips

Plus, I think he's gay, so really don't have to worry. He's harmless.

I have a fun head-canon that combines Christian mythology with that of ancient Rome and/or Greece. It all starts with Jesus's animal metaphors. Jesus is a lamb of God. Jesus is a dove of peace. Jesus is represented with a drawing of a fish.

So it seems that Jesus has interesting shapeshifting powers. Sounds reminiscent of another deity, doesn't it? Zeus famously transformed into animals in order to seduce women. He also had a jealous wife, Hera, who frequently punished his extra-marital partners.

My thinking goes that Zeus seduced Mary once upon a time. However, knowing his wife's wrath, he never disclosed it, and advised Mary to say she was a virgin in order to throw her off Hera's radar.

Thus, Jesus the shape-shifting son of God was born. In a manger, of all places. Perhaps Zeus was there to support Mary in the form of a sheep or something.

Maybe they were wise for not bringing it up until they'd seen the baby.

Didn't Jesus have brothers and sisters? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brothers_of_Jesus

German uses the word Jungfrau (literally young woman), there's no separate word explicitely defining a state of not having had sex.

I'm guessing Almah is similar.

But I heard a different story about the "virgin birth" - problem is I have no idea if it's true or not. Anyhow:

There was some sort of ritual where young women were invited to spend a night at the temple, with priests. Due to the religious nature of this, they were still considered to be virgins ("marriable" I guess?) afterwards. Quite the opposite, it was seen as an honour. Even if they got pregnant.

So there's your "Virgin" Mary who was "visited by an angel" to conceive.

edit: there is some evidence that girls used to work and live at the temples, and my story is likely an interpretation of the Gospel of James.

At what point did the mistranslation occur? There have been many translations.

It is a common trophy for prominent romans to trace their heritage down to the gods in order to add legitimacy to their extraordinariness. Jupiter knocked up virgins left and right, that was a common story why someone would be in a heritage of devine decent. I believe the biblic storytellers did the same to give their protagonist the legitimacy and importance that was required by the times.

Also as a non-christian: I think you've got it backwards. Christians believe that she was a virgin because they believe Jesus was their god. Basically that it doesn't make sense to them that a perfect being could be gestated inside a dirty sex having woman, so it must be that she was a virgin.

Also Jesus had a habit of giving people nicknames (eg Simon Peter - the rock) I could see him having a disciple Mary the virgin and another one Mary the mother that got conflated. There's no evidence for this but idk it still seems more likely than virgin birth.

In the book of Matthew, the story goes like this:

Mary tells Joseph she's pregnant. Joseph realizes right away that she was an adulturer. If people found out, she was gonna be stoned. Joseph still loved her anyways, and was willing to protect her from that, so they went away. Joseph struggled knowing his wife was an adulturer. It wasn't until God came to him in a dream and told him his wife was carrying Jesus that he found peace with it.

Some of the narrative in the gospels is concerned with fulfilling the prophesies of Isaiah, since that would build a case for Jesus being the Messiah, which was something people were interested in at the time.

Isaiah didn't clearly prophesy a virgin birth, but the writers of Matthew and Luke were probably working from the Septuagint, a greek [mis-]translation which turns the prophecy into one of a virgin birth. So, thinking that a virgin birth was required, they wrote it into the story.

The question of whether someone claiming to be made pregnant by God is making a plausible claim, is fairly moot when the whole episode was probably made up anyway.

Concerning the fact that Jesus himself went around and told people he was the son of God didn't do him much good in the end if you for example watch The Passion of the Christ. I think the writers of the Bible (and their sources) may have been a tad on the dramatic side in prospect.

A long-haired, sandal-wearing man preaching peace and love, who probably smelled like cannabis?

Jesus was a hippie, it's confirmed.

Also, his name loosely translates to Josh, so he's Oily Josh.

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. ~Genesis 1:29-30

Now go forth and sin no more!*

*Sin in this context means being a square

Let's add the crucifixion story on top of this. Romans historically left the crucified up until they rotted. However, the Romans here said "what Jesus is dead already? Whatever, you can take his body." Then they put him in a cave and put Myrrh and Aloe on him. Myrrh was used as a medicine and ceremonies .... but Aloe? No, that's medicine. Then Jesus comes back 3 days later.

This is the story of a con job imo. They are trying to show the Romans as inept and them being smart enough to steal Jesus off the cross.

Fucking puritan imperialism