this post was submitted on 02 Nov 2025
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The Bible but TTRPG (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by Stamets@lemmy.dbzer0.com to c/rpgmemes@ttrpg.network
 
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[–] markovs_gun@lemmy.world 78 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

One nitpick- Solomon using demonic assistance to build his Temple is extrabiblical lore. I believe that Solomon's command over demons might be mentioned in the Talmud, but not in the Bible itself.

[–] Live_your_lives@lemmy.world 36 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

The story of Elisha and the boys deserves to be "nitpicked" as well. I haven't checked for myself, but from what I understand most secular and non-secular scholars agree that the Hebrew term includes babies all the way to "boys" who are in their twenties. This makes better sense of how the term is used in other passages and of why Elisha would encounter 42 of them (which only counts those who were mauled) just hanging out in the countryside.

[–] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 30 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

While we're at it, myrrh was a fragrant resin used in all sorts of applications, not just for embalming.

[–] fartographer@lemmy.world 21 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I guess I'll keep it going. Moses means "to pull out from the water," so he wouldn't have been "Moses" while placing him in the basket.

Also, why would the daughter of the dude supposedly killing all of the slave babies be like, "I'm gonna name this baby using the slaves' language."

[–] psud@aussie.zone 3 points 2 weeks ago

(because they were just a bronze age tribe in Palestine making up stories about take history in faraway places to big themselves up among the other tribes)

[–] BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world 25 points 2 weeks ago

He was being chased by a gang of young men, not just being made fun of by some random children.

Translation is a scholarly art, and English translations - and the masses understanding of them - are like the restoration of the Ecce Homo fresco.

[–] Archpawn@lemmy.world 8 points 2 weeks ago

Here's a biblical scholar talking about it. The bible specifies small boys, so definitely not in their 20s. Not that having bears eat adults for making fun of your bald head is any better.

[–] m0darn@lemmy.ca 7 points 2 weeks ago

That's an apologist's take not a scholar's take. Modern translations use "small boys".

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[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 9 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

That was the one I didn't get. What's it about?

[–] markovs_gun@lemmy.world 16 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

There is a tradition from numerous ancient and medieval sources that Solomon had command over demons because he was the wisest man who ever lived and knew their name and all the ways to control them. This developed into the idea that Solomon had such control over demons that he could force them to build a temple for God against their will, and this is how the First Temple was built. This belief was common in the middle ages but not ever officially sanctioned by the Church.

For more reading-

https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_of_Solomon

https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesser_Key_of_Solomon

https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testament_of_Solomon

[–] TachyonTele@piefed.social 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

It's a pretty metal legend. Solomon was a boss.

[–] markovs_gun@lemmy.world 8 points 2 weeks ago

There is also a legend that Solomon was once outwitted by Asmodeus, who flung Solomon deep into the desert and shapeshifted to pretend to be him and rule in his place. Solomon then had to find his way back and take back his kingdom from Asmodeus.

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 54 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

DM: Not that one, Job: I have a special d20 just for you!

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[–] BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world 46 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

I’ll point out that the “Jesus and the fig tree” story is a parable. It’s made fun of a lot, but it’s a vicious lesson by someone who was very theatrical in their teaching style. The fig tree is Israel, who were expected by their god to always be in season and ready for their messiah. But when Jesus arrived, they were not in season, and so were cursed to never bear fruit again. It wasn’t an agricultural misunderstanding, it was a lesson and everything that surrounds it gives it context.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 38 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Asked one of those "Bible is all literal truth" guys one day, "How did Jesus teach?"

"?"

"He taught in parables, right? Stories that aren't true, meant to illustrate a point."

"Ok."

"Is it possible other Bible stories are parables?"

"?"

[–] BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world 22 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Almost everything in there is a parable. It’s a cultural thing, because stories were only worth preserving as a lesson. The concept of preserving objective reality for its own sake is a very modern and recent ideology. It would have been seen as madness by ancient peoples.

[–] vaultdweller013@sh.itjust.works 4 points 2 weeks ago

It would've been madness in that region at that time. The Romans were writing entire books on natural history and that's not even getting into something like the lost works on the Etruscan civilization. Recording things in that way fell out of favor with the Jewish people at that time due to centuries of rather brutal occupation requiring a certain level of obfuscation. Though I will say that objectivism wasn't a concept at that point, the Garlic Wars is as much an account as it is propaganda by Caesar.

[–] CXORA@aussie.zone 17 points 2 weeks ago (6 children)

Sure, but even as a parable it shows jesus expects something that is not possible, and punishes living things for being as he created them to be.

[–] BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world 19 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (3 children)

One of the many things that christians seem to misunderstand is that almost none of the Bible is about them. It’s about the descendants of Israel who are the descendants of Noah who are the descendants of Adam and Eve, who were uniquely created by their god in its image and given a piece of its divine breath… none of which is about all humanity, but especially gentiles who are literally the same as wild animals as far as scripture is concerned.

Remember the story of the woman who begged Jesus and his disciples for help for days because her daughter was “possessed?” Not only did Jesus go out of his way to ignore and avoid her for days, he then compared her to a dog for not being Israelite. Only when she leaned into the insult did Jesus relent.

Israel was that specific fig tree and Israel was supposed to be special and had unique expectations placed on them since they were literally their god’s children, and other people were not.

I’m not disagreeing really. I’m building on your point.

[–] ICCrawler@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

Dude, you completely left out Abraham. Which is wild given that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all referred to as Abrahamic faiths. While Abraham was descended from Adam and Eve, it is far more accurate to say Israelites trace their heritage back to Abraham. This is because it is Abraham that makes the first covenant pact with God.

Abraham gives birth to two sons. At first, Abraham's wife is barren, so to have a kid they all agree Abraham knock up his servant. This gives birth to Ishmael. Fourteen years later, Abraham's wiife finally manages to miraculously conceive, and Isaac is born. And there's this whole deal where god puts Abraham to the test and tells Abraham he has to sacrifice Isaac to him. And both of them go along with it only for God to go, "Nevermind, guys, it was a test. But since you've pleased me by being so faithful, I'll grant you a powerful line through Isaac (Israel)," and God then sends them a ram to sacrifice instead.

Isaac gives birth to two sons, Esau and Jacob, twins, but Esau was born first. Technically, God's blessing is his by birthright. Isaac favors Esau, Isaac's wife favors Jacob. Jacob gains the birthright twice over. Once because Esau returns to camp, hungry as hell one day and just casually trades his birthright to Jacob in return for some lentil stew. Second, when Isaac is pretty much on his death bed, and blind, Isaac's wife and Jacob trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead of Esau. Initially, Esau is pissed and Jacob flees. But he eventually comes back and reconciles with his brother and wrestles God (I'm not kidding.) Then his name gets changed from Jacob to Israel. Dude marries two wives, one of which is his sister, and gives birth to twelve sons, which become the twelve tribes of Israel. There's also a daughter, but this is a patriarchal religion so women don't matter. This is basically where the Jew as Jews start.

Now, rewinding back a bit, remember that Ishmael guy, born of the servant Abraham knocked up? Yeah, so he and the servant got sent away. But God also promises this servant and Ishmael that Ishmael too, will give birth to a great nation, and that he will have 12 sons himself that will become princes. And it is Islam, specifically, the prophet Muhammed, who traces their roots back to Ishmael. That's how fucking old the whole Jew/Muslim conflict is.

And then there's Christianity, which is when some Jew named Jesus was born the son of Virgin Mary and went on to preach love and kindness and got himself sacrificed in a story which really illustrates, once you remove the falsehoods of heaven, hell, and God, that humanity is so crooked they'll basically kill a man for being too good while praising and pardoning a criminal (Barabbas. He and Christ both get the chance to be pardoned by the people, but they can only choose one. Barabbas is chosen, and Christ gets crucified.) But also yes, as you said, Jesus totally favored the Jews, and did the whole thing with comparing the woman to a dog versus the childeren he was meant to lead (Israelites.)

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[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 5 points 2 weeks ago

Makes sense, especially when you consider that John the Baptist was an Apocalyptic Jew who played a foundational role in The Christ's contemporary education.

[–] AnUnusualRelic@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Their god was a local god, which like all the people's gods everywhere had a creation myth for their people. Of course the other people weren't included. If they wanted a creation or a god, they could just come up with their own. Lazy cunts.

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[–] TeamAssimilation@infosec.pub 9 points 2 weeks ago

Jesus: curses random tree

Followers: Jesus, is there a problem? You can tell us directly.

Jesus: No, everything is fine *sulks*

[–] caseyweederman@lemmy.ca 8 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Also, in the Apocrypha, childhood Jesus turned a kid he didn't like into a tree. Quite possibly... a fig tree.

[–] TachyonTele@piefed.social 4 points 2 weeks ago

Jesus was a little asshole. It's pretty funny those works survived.

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[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 38 points 2 weeks ago

DM: You killed so many people with that donkey bone I think we can stop treating it as an improvised weapon. Here's a proper statblock.

[–] redhorsejacket@lemmy.world 36 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

There is a convenience store I stop at which has a self help / religious book rack. On it, there is a copy of "The Action Bible", and, given it's cover, I assume this is the DMG for OPs campaign.

Jesus was a STR main

[–] eestileib@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I love how there's a random cute girl in the top left, no idea who the hell she's supposed to be, but 👍🏻.

[–] TachyonTele@piefed.social 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Probably Mary Magnalin. That is pretty funny though

Hmm it might be his mom Mary. She's j got a virginal look.

[–] MonkeMischief@lemmy.today 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

There's also a Manga Bible, which is a pretty rad artistic interpretation as well. :D

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[–] MarcomachtKuchen@feddit.org 36 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

How is each an every one of them a hit. Great consistency, 10/10 post

[–] PapaStevesy@lemmy.world 8 points 2 weeks ago

The Daniel in the Lions' Den one could have had Daniel rolling a nat 20 animal handling check right as the DM warns him it's not a good idea, that would have been even better.

[–] november@piefed.blahaj.zone 23 points 2 weeks ago

Lol funny, but also, they were money changers, not money lenders. Exchanging foreign currencies.

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 21 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] Skua@kbin.earth 48 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

LOT: Look I know we didn't get the hint very quickly but I think sending angels to literally handhold us out of the city might be too much railroading for me.

GM: Alright, I'm sorry, I just... I spent all afternoon planning stuff in Zoara.

EDITH: Hey, I know they said not to look back, but I want to look back. They'll never notice.

GM: You sure about that?

EDITH: Let me enjoy seeing Steve get divinely smote at least

GM: Alright, roll a Con save

EDITH: Con save? To look without the angels noticing?

GM: It's not about the angels

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 19 points 2 weeks ago

I thank thee. Hopefully the GM's not too salty about Edith wandering off the main storyline again

[–] moshankey@lemmy.world 16 points 2 weeks ago

Can’t stop giggling. Thank you.

[–] MrsDoyle@sh.itjust.works 16 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

My favourite is the one with Moses coming down with the Big Book of Rules, direct from God. Then getting his pals to kill thousands of his followers for not following the Rules, which presumably they've never seen.

Levites: But doesn't it say in the Rules...

Moses: KILL THEM ALL.

Exodus 32, verse 27

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (5 children)

Also, at least two of the rules are basically just "my god is better than your god"

Getting genocided and wondering who the fuck Yahweh is

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[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 13 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

What is that summon demon one?

[–] Skua@kbin.earth 26 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

The Seal of Solomon. Solomon's signet ring, given to him by God, is supposed to have granted him a bunch of supernatural abilities, one of which was the ability to command things like devils and jinns. I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts, hence the GM having to check their books for it

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 8 points 2 weeks ago

Why, thank you! TIL

[–] MonkeMischief@lemmy.today 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts

GM: Ask, and it shall be given unto you.

Solomon: I just wanna flip through that collection of splatbooks you've got back there.

[–] 1985MustangCobra@lemmy.ca 7 points 2 weeks ago

as a roman catholic, i had a good chuckle. hope to see more.

[–] pyre@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago

when your players are wild but know how to make memorable stories

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