It honestly takes me a moment to realize it's not real.
Because I expect this lunatic to say this. Or to tell people to drink mercury.
this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2025
428 points (99.1% liked)
The Onion
7431 readers
26 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 4 years ago
MODERATORS
Obligatory don't drink murcury... That said, there are 2 types and one is biologically innert so like... If you WANT to feel dense pools of metal splash down through your guts like... You can. It does nothing beneficial to your body except maybe the chance to dislodge something? Go ahead and ask your doctor, I'm sure he would enjoy the laugh.
Wellness MLMs and scams often talk about toxins and old shit being stuck on intestines like they are physical pipes. And then sell stuff that will dislodge and clear that stuff out.
So, there's probably someone trying to sell mercury to people for that already.
Me too. I clicked on it before I realized it's The Onion.
It didn't get me that much but there were a few seconds of me thinking "he said that? Noooo. I just. Wait, how can? Nooo...", before I realised it was satire.
I've come to understand that satire is a canary in the coal mine for a society. The minute it becomes indescernible from the facts, something has gone seriously awry with society at large.
I actually didn't doubt it at all. He would 1000% say something this stupid.
his lips does get blue from drinking methylene blue.
The worm can be a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be unnatural.
long life, enhanced strength, increased resistant to radiation, plus access to genetic knowledge of previous hosts.
Ask your MLM Wellness Life Coach if Goa'uld is right for you!
sarcophagus, and healing hand device, and kara'kesh not guaranteed. one spends the most gets tel'chaks device.
NOPE. Fuck the worm. It destroyed the galaxy the one time I tried that event chain
Jfc. I thought it was real. Cause why wouldn't it be. We gotta stop letting satire overlap reality
witness him
Ichiban! Lipstick, for men.
"Look. I eat lead. I poop gold. It's just science."
I squinted at that headline before seeing where it was posted haha
Well done
It's hard to satirise someone when even the most ridiculous thing sounds like it could plausibly come from that dipshit.
That said, it'd be pretty funny if somone planted some plausible looking studies on the internet that confirmed this and sent the links to him to see if we could get him to believe it and start drinking lead.