this post was submitted on 01 Aug 2026
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From what I've seen the gay community is full of 'friends with benefits'. Seems pretty great. Sometimes I resent being straight, where monogomy is basically the only option, and any attempt to break out of it would make me look like a creep.
This depends.
If you're attempting to convince someone who wants a monogamous relationship to have an open one or be poly then yes that is not only creepy, but outright abusive.
There are people out there for you. Go find them, but please don't bother someone who doesn't want that type of arrangement.
She initially told me she was ok with it, then changed her mind when the opportunities arose. Now I'm torn between my own selfish desires and the life we've built together.
That's not surprising. People may be open to an idea in their head, then in practice realize that long-term, committed relationships (particularly with multiple children) don't mesh with having sex with others.
I mean, you can be poly.
I just have never met anyone that seems happy in those relationships. I’m sure they exist somewhere but most of my friends are miserable and pretty single despite their openness.
You never met them, because they're too busy shagginnnnnnng!
WHayHey!
/s
Ive been in an extremely successful poly relationship for multiple years now. Almost 6 years with one partner and a little more than 3 with the other.
Its definitely possible to be successful and happy in polyamory... its just a lot of work for everyone involved.
The biggest thing is consent across all parties. You can absolutely cheat in poly. You can betray and be betrayed in Poly. And with the multiple relationships comes with having to be there for multiple partners at all times. So imagine how difficult a single relationship can be in terms of emotional and romantic commitment, it's multiplied by every partner.
But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Been married to my partner for 8.5 years. One GF for nearly 6 and another who was a long time friend turned GF for about 2 years now.
Having multiple romantic relationships at the same time sounds very stressful to me
work + hobbies + 1 relationship is all of my time. idk how they manage
One of my best friends is poly and going on a 10 year marriage. I consider myself poly but haven't made it work. I think it really comes down to who you date and now comfortable they are with not being monogamous.
I think some people get it right away and then it doesn't become a relationship or they don't and if doesn't become a relationship. But I have met many people that fit the stereotype that "poly" doesn't work. There were always other problems that made it not work. Like drugs or criminal cases.
My partner and I are pretty happy poly people. Been going over a decade now, never better
Poly/Pan FTW!
Hook up culture is very much a thing for straight people. Friends with benefits and booty calls are very normalized. I know several people who have lists of potential bang buddies. I knew of a few friend groups when i was younger where nearly every guy had slept with every girl in the group. If you dont want to be monogamous, just make that clear with potential partners. In my experience i actually struggle to get into monogamous relationships these days as many people don't really want to commit to someone.
Maybe it's a location/age thing, but I missed out on all that. I always made it clear up front what I wanted, and they'd often indicate they're on board initially - until things got serious or an opportunity actually presented itself, then the insecurities came out and suddenly it's all "Am I not enough for you!?"
In the latest case she really had me convinced, even though an opportunity never arose to put it to the test. Told me she was bi, said she wanted to see me with other women, said she was cool with an open marriage - everything I wanted to hear. It was only after marriage & kids that it became apparent she was NOT actually ok with it.
Funny that you're having the opposite problem. Grass is always greener...
Ok I'm laughing my ass off over here. You impregnated this woman multiple times but now you're mad she won't open the relationship?
So you never did any of these things you say are foundational....before having multiple children together lol.
Ok well, you're cooked because the 1 circumstance where monogamy would be preferable for a sexually adventurous woman is......drumroll.....postpartum trying to survive raising babies. She can probably hardly deal with your ass right now much less other men or your relationship dreams.
Go take care of your kids. You will pass go again in , at most, 18 years or upon the breakup with your baby mama.
They're known as 'unicorns' for a reason. Where I live you aren't exactly tripping over women that want to be a mistress or join a threesome. My single friends sometimes have 'friends with benefits', but they are other singles - they aren't fucking around with couples or married guys.
We met in our 30s and I wasn't going to put our life on hold until the chance arose to test it. She genuinely seemed to want it - the constant, unprompted, dirty talk about me with other women when we were intimate really had me sold.
I know I'm cooked now. I was just commenting on how much less cooked I would be, in the same exact situation, if I were gay.
Lots of people have this big chasm between fantasy and reality that they just can't get over
Seems similar to mine as well! I always said I wanted to have a threesome. She was like that could work one day because she did have an interest with trying things with another girl as well. Win win! Been married 15 years now and this has never happened lol. It's still talked about and we did finally try going to a strip club together as a trial run a few years ago. It actually turned out great surprising enough! As for the actual deed? Im not holding my breath as we continue to get older, but I can still dream!
Try a swing bar.
It's a thing but you have waaay more opportunities if you're a gay man, at least if you're somewhere with a decent population on Grindr!
Right cause straight people dont use things like tinder for quick sex. Given its still a minority population thats gay id say your chances of finding platonic sex while straight is as high or higher than finding a hook up while gay. The per capita gay FWB may be higher, but the sheer population of straight people skews the numbers to still being pretty easy to find just sex for straight people.
I haven't done any scientific comparison of the two groups, and I'm not a member of both groups either so I can't speak from personal experience either... however, from what I understand, fallible though that may be, it's simply a combination of the per capita rate, combined with it being pretty easy to get on grindr, hit up a gay bar, or whatever.
As a result, the relevant comparison isn't "number of potential partners in the whole population" but "proportion of potential partners in a population I can narrow down to, provided that population is big enough." Say there are 1,000 gay men on grindr in a town, and 20,000 straight women on tinder in the same town. What I think is true is that a higher proportion of those people on grindr are DTF with some rando than of the women on tinder, so your practical experience as a gay or straight man looking for a no-strings shag will be different.
But yeah, I guess I should caveat my original message that I can't be super confident.
I'm not a member of either populace, but as far as I can tell from online discourse the male tinder experience would depend heavily on how hot they look.
I may have worded my response poorly as your explanation is similar to what i meant. If half of the 1000 gay men are DTF that would be 500 potential rando partners or 50% of their population. You would only need 2.5% of the 20,000 women to be DTF to have the same number of 500 potential partners. Regardless if you aren't confident you won't be as successful in either group.
I'm happily married for nearly 20 years now. But, before then, there were definitely a few fwb. Some were infrequent, others near constant depending on where we were partying at.
I don't know, afaik it's something rather rare/niche, most of people I see (both IRL and in Internet) have basically almost divinized or made a cult out of platonic love, "spiritual and mental connection" and all that. Not that I hate those things, I'd like to have these too, but I'd also like to have physical connection and most of the people demonize that; sometimes somebody just wants to have a one-night, non-serious adventure or whatever you call that, but then they get treated almost like serial killers.
Oh you haven't met the right people bud lol once you find that world it grows big.
If you want to sleep around just don’t have a partner and have at it. Plenty of of women need the D out there
Eh, it’s easy to avoid girls even when your straight. Just work in STEM and spend all your money on a place so you can workout and cook at home. It’s super easy to avoid any contact if you really stick to it.
/s if I wasn’t clear.
You joke but as an overworked trades guy who recently bought a fixer upper house and trying to gainweight/muscle mass this is actually my life.
Most of my time not at work is spent repairing something at home, doing chores, working out, or cooking. Usually multitasking them like doing the dishes while resting between sets.
Oh it’s actually my life too, I was just joking about it being advice. Stay strong brother.
There’s definitely options if you go looking
Yeah, it's quite nice. My ex and I were/are open, and it was fun. My master is basically asexual (and I'm the absolute opposite), so he has let me play with anyone I have asked about. A local cutie I play with occasionally has a gf, and they are also open.
Though I haven't played around outside of the furry community in a decade, and haven't dated outside it since... Nearly 20 years. So my pool of potential partners is relatively very small, but (I think, at least) they are wonderful, so =)
There's plenty of poly/enm people. I know people who have success there, and had some myself.
Counter intuitively, it lead to fewer dates for me than monogamy. There's a smaller pool of people. I'm still rolling the same dice trying to clear DC 18, but when I had it filtered to poly I was making like one check a week, versus like two a day.
Knowing how the "hardware" works. Having a deep shared understanding of the societal expectations on each others gender. Able to share clothes...... I do wonder what it would be like to be gay. Seems pretty great. How can I join the club?
I'm ~50lb larger than my wife. The lesbian dream of a doubled closet is not for us. We do get to share shoes and don't need to adjust the car mirrors so there's that benefit.
Oh yes. It's our 13th anniversary, and we had a fight yesterday, so I was forced into "serious conversation" today, so I fucked off into the night for a breather. I don't need any of that bullshit, but it comes with the whole package.
Momentous occasions can bring joy, but also added stress.