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(Washington DC) Court members were repeatedly pressed for comment on Saturday, as word has leaked out of a huge offer from Palantir Technologies to purchase the judicial activity of Justice Clarence Thomas, with a reported 1.2 billion dollars being offered in the deal. The offer details released so far include luxury housing, travel arrangements, and concubines, valued much higher than Thomas’s current indenture under billionaire Harlan Crow. Court watchers say this could be the largest known deal to date involving a US government official.

Thomas, an often maligned conservative justice of the Supreme Court, has multiple complaints levied against him of impropriety over the years. This new deal would blow past his previous offenses and could - should the court ever adopt an official code of ethics - lead to his resignation from government.

For now, though, the main question for is whether Thomas will stay loyal to his current owner, or switch teams. Palantir CEO Alex Karp says the change makes sense. “[Harlan] Crow has been hogging Clarence for quite some time, and for much less than the value he receives. Sure, he now has a free house for his mother, but we have real porn stars ready to do live porn on his command, with scripts written with the latest in AI. Clarence loves porn. And yeah, we can do much better than the house Crow bought him.”

“Harlan Crow needs to accept that if you want a man to play ball, you need to pay him like a star. Justice Thomas would be a great addition to our current roster of Congressmen and Senators.”

But not everyone is happy about the deal. “This is bullshit,” exclaimed comedian and new anchor John Oliver of Last Week Tonight. “I offered the man a camper… a very nice one, I might add… to retire, and now these assholes sweep in and pay him boatloads of money to keep going. Boatloads… I imagine a literal boat full of money pulling up to his beach house every time he makes a ruling! I’m only HBO money, you have to let a man like me compete!”

Those in the media question whether Thomas will agree to all the terms -wearing company branded robes is one stipulation know to be included - but also question whether Palantir needs the justice at all. “This man would make any conservative ruling for free, regardless of any paycheck,” said one media member who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisal. “I know it’s prestigious to own a justice, but the money might be better spent bribing the media. What… you saying you don’t want a billion dollars?”

Court watchers will be watching to see whose jet Thomas is flying on in the coming months.

(Washington DC) In a statement Friday, donald trump confirmed he will win the UFC fight planned to be held in the White House: “well of course I will win, and america wins,” trump told reporters as the rose garden was being paved. “I can’t spoil everything, although I can, and there is a chair and it will be really something, there will be blood and maybe Ivanka, it will be really something.” Trump then ‘pantomimed’ choking a Fox news reporter, who was later hospitalized with bruises to his neck.

(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.

“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”

It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.

“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”

Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”

(Washington DC) As attacks escalate in the Middle East, attention remains on the constant leaks from the trump administration regarding policy. After recent praise of the Defense Department on the secrecy around the B2 attacks on Iran, CNN has begun to report on rumors this could not have happened if Sec Hegseth had been drinking an excessive amount of vodka. They have called on the Secretary to help them stop the rumors, by appearing on their program and drinking one-fifth of a gallon (750 mL) of vodka in one sitting, then giving an interview on the administration. The Secretary has responded warmly on whatever twitter is called now.

He responded: “Easy to prove this, probably in one swallow if I skip breakfast. Delighted to prove being a secretary doesn’t mean wearing a dress.”

CNN host Anderson Cooper responded warmly with an invite on that evening’s newscast, keeping a very straight face.

CNN executives hope this is one of many interviews they will host, after hiring a dozen high school and colleges psychology counselors to their advisory staff. “We have had major issues reaching out to the administration, but we feel certain changes may address this. Pete is a strong man, and a serious bro, and we think this challenge will make him stand out as trump’s favorite. Also, kristi noem… girl who ruined your nails… call me and we can fix that, I know the best girl that can make those babies shine!”

When asked by a CNN reporter in a low cut dress if he only hired men that could handle tough challenges like the interview, the president was quick to agree with the statement. “Well of course I only hire the best people… Pete… Pete? …yes Pete is a good man and we’re really proud of what he’s doing.

Hegseth’s sponsor could not be reached for comment.

(Washington, DC) As attacks by israel and iran continue into their third week, US president donald trump announced he is pleased with how the world responded to his “total and immediate cease fire,” which he intended as a test for us all, and which we passed.

“I didn’t declare a cease fire, that would be ridiculous to declare a cease fire,” trump said at his New Jersey golf resort Tuesday. “Nobody is declaring peace… that was a test. A test. A big test and you have all passed, and I’m very proud of you, the passing, because a test is hard but your passing the test was about passing.”

Some US Middle East experts praise the president for his attempt to declare a cease fire, and his novel approach. “This is a complex situation,” said one expert, “and in tense times, a child’s innocence can sometimes make cooler heads prevail. The fact this child is an overweight confused old man in this scenario… does not mean the novelty of telling people they weren’t at war couldn’t work.”

Republicans agree. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in west Texas, said, “the president ended the war, that is final. And maybe when those two stop shooting each other, they’ll realize this ended years ago, when trump said it did. Also, I’m proud to pass the president’s test. I didn’t even study.”

Both israel and iran remained at war at time of publishing.

(Washington DC) As Pride Month begins in the US, republican complaints about the festivities, events, and recognition of diversity are rapidly growing, both inside the trump White House and around the country. In a step to draw attention away from the festivities, the trump White House is organizing a “Shame Month,” meant to highlight their view that recognizing diversity hurts the US image as a melting pot of different cultures. To start things off, the president and his HHS Secretary are planning to lick a bat during a press conference on June 1st.

Event organizers say the bat, a Chinese Black Bearded Tomb Bat, is meant to symbolize both the republican belief that alternative sexual life styles lead to beastiality, and that covid isn’t real. “Covid isn’t real, or it may cause autism,” said one of the more recent HHS hires, an event organizer. “We’re not sure which one of these is true. But when the president and the secretary lick this bat, Americans will know the truth, finally, at last.”

Not all Americans feel this is the best use of the president’s time. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler in eastern Nebraska, feels this event may actually hurt the president’s reputation as an effective communicator. “I can get what he’s going for,” he said. “But those China bats can be full of Covid, and if he gets sick, it might hurt his chances of looking strong, which is what matters to me. I think he should just watch RFK lick the bat, and maybe film it or something.”

Reporters, however, are excited to cover the event. “This almost makes all this stupidity worth it,” said one reporter who asked not to be named for fear of losing his press pass. “I kind of feel we should ask what animals he [the president] would refuse to lick, to see if we can make this a regular thing. Do you think they’d lick a squirrel? Where do you think RFK would lick… you know what, I will withdraw that question.”

The June First event is one of many scheduled for Shame Month, including a massive military parade to celebrate government spending. A full schedule of events is expected to be released on the first of the month, when the press department has more tokens to generate content.

The Department of HHS declined to comment who would lick the bat first.

(Mar A Lago, FL) In a brief press conference Tuesday, the US president confirmed that the $175 billion appropriated for the Golden Dome system over the next 3 years is actually budgeted for a “golden do me,” which he explained as, “well a blond girl, and she’s very nice, very lovely… well she has a serious task ahead of her, and she works for her money, folks… there are no hand outs. I mean she has her hand out, but there are no hand outs, I can tell you this.”

Blond press secretary Karoline Leavitt was unable to comment due to prior commitments in the trump white house.

(Washington DC) Per a statement from the White House Press Office:

On Tuesday, a reporter from the New York Times asked, “does anyone know what time it is,” to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied, “it’s two thirty-six.” What she meant to say was, “it is time for the american voter to be given the truth, and not the outrageous lies of the mainstream media about the president.” The press office regrets the error.

(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.

The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.

Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Catholic church hierarchy. And while Vatican law requires the next leader of the church to be chosen by the church leadership, trump’s team notes that isn’t always the case. “The president is being attacked by the malicious politicians of the global elite and the corrupt priests of the church,” said Press Secretary Karoline Levitt. “One pope I know was chosen out of a crowd because a bird landing on him, so we say Jared is that man, and donald trump is that bird.”

But some pushback can be heard on this issue, even close to the trump team. One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope. I can’t believe he chose Jerad when I’m right here, dad. I’m right here.”

Trump’s clear lack of understanding of how a pope is elected, what a pope does, and even what religion the pope represents are considered a hindrance by Vatican watchers, but some say trump should never be counted out, once his tiny mind fixates on something. “He can’t have the pope,” said one. “But we also said America would never be dumb enough to elect him once… but here we are.”

(Washington, DC) As the current administration enters month three, an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid” has swept through American journalism. Even satirical articles face an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid.”

“It’s clear American media has run out of words to describe the policies of the trump presidency,” reports BBC in today’s news. “While everything coming out is alarming, or stupid, you can’t just say those words over and over… people tune out. It’s like trying to talk to fish about water.”

This conundrum has led some journalists to consult lexicons for more superfluous verbiage. But the use of synonyms has been found to drive off American readers, who often read at a middle school level.

“I ain’t never seen a lexicon,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler from rural Oklahoma, “although I do remember it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.”

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”