(Tehran) As the US begins its third month of war with Iran, some republican legislators are beginning to express concerns the US may no longer be able to start 6 wars in 2026. “Sure, we can invade Cuba,” said one republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “but after that, can we really start three more wars? I’m just not sure we can do it unless trump moves to the next one. Also I am not gay.”
The US started the year invading Venezuela, kidnapping the country’s president and attempting to control its government and economy. The following month the US attacked Iran; however, this war mired the US in conflict, slowing the pace of attack. Now, as oil prices skyrocket and US warships need relief, doubts are surfacing, both in Americans and their enemies.
“We’re right here,” said an angry Kim Jong Un. “Whose manhood do I need to threaten to get noticed?” Other US enemies are also offended. “They’re barely attacking our boats any more,” said one drug cartel member. “Sure, they hit one this week, but it’s not the same as it was. I feel like some side war [Secretary of War Pete] Hegseth only remembers when he’s drunk.”
Republican voters say they’re certain there can be four more wars. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern New Hampshire, said, “sure maybe we can’t start 4 more wars. But we can always get stuck in four more, and I believe in my president!”