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(Opp, Alabama) As the aftermath of the longest US government shut down unwinds, libertarians are reassessing their values. Long known as loud critics of the government - and for repeated calls to disband it- online libertarian communities are calling for a reevaluation of those beliefs, and advocating a world where all government goes away, but not SNAP benefits.

“Them was some hard weeks,” said Scooter Pullham, a Tuskegee resident. “Why is it the meter man comes by every time to cut your power, but the food stamps can just stop. We need to end all the people in charge, except the ones that do what we want.” He gestured to the jumper cables he uses to provide power to his trailer. “These ain’t illegal. I got them from a store parking lot.”

Scooter’s concerned are echoed strongly in libertarian circles. Shaken by the shutdown, and how food payments suddenly stopped, many now call for a limited form of government - one where they pay no taxes, follow no laws, but are given free money for food twice a month. “This really helped us crystalize our message,” said Jessup “Freedom” Strucker, a Libertarian podcaster for ‘Strucker Nation.’ “We don’t want anyone in our business or in yours… but we do want money to keep coming to us for food. We thank the government for shutting down to remind us of this… just do it again without the food part.

Part of the new messaging is a new Gadsden flag, featuring the same “don’t tread on me” slogan, but featuring a snake coiled around a box of macaroni and cheese. Strucker says libertarians are stronger for knowing where government should end, and handouts begin. “We accept that we need limited help, but that help should come from us all. When something doesn’t help us, though, you can leave that part out.”

(Washington DC) As the government reopens, the White House is reminding Americans to reduce their taxes next year by 12%, to represent the 43 days the government was closed in 2025. “Really, it should be more, but we have to keep it honest,” said Trump in remarks as he golfed at his New Jersey golf course, presumably relaxing from his golfing trip to Mar a Lago during the shut down.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavett clarified to reporters that trump meant he wished he could give a discount, but the actions of the Democrats would not permit a reduction in taxes. “Every American has been let down by them,” she stated, in remarks that were interrupted by tweets from trump, stating that taxes would be 15% less, to celebrate the ending of some tariffs.

All the confusion has left IRS and Treasury Department staff - those remaining after the shut down - confused on how to proceed collecting taxes or funding the government. Staff at both agencies suggest Americans should use the saving to invest in homes in other countries.

But many ordinary Americans consider this to be a good sign of things to come. Leo Sturbgetter, a Seattle-based co-detangler, said, “I don’t pay a lot of taxes, but I’m glad we don’t have to pay for all those people who didn’t work. All them bureaucrats is like a steering wheel on a car… you can let go for a little while, nothing bad will happen. I’m just glad my food stamps are back.”

(Washington DC) As Democrats cross the aisle to reopen the government after the longest government shut down in US history, republicans have taken to the offensive. House lawmakers have presented a list of demands to take on the Senate resolution, which is required to reopen the government.

“We have the Democrats on the ropes,” said one house congressman who asked to speak off the record. “After a full month with no pay to government workers, a collapsing food aid system, and the FAA shutting down flights, this is the ideal time to demand concessions.” Demands on the list are extensive, and include introduction of certain topics of legislature without filibuster, the creation of “priority states” for receiving federal disaster aide, and attendance of closed-door Democratic meetings by republicans for “monitoring.”

Some political pundits wonder if the democrats have enough fight left in them to resist. “Some of these demands are extensive. I mean, ‘Colorado?” It just says the name of the state, nothing else. ‘Less press time’ is also there, with no explanation. It’s like they started with a set number of demands and had to fill it all in.”

Democrats decry the demands, saying they have given up everything in the fight, conceded, and now are being asked for more. “We don’t know how to negotiate when republicans don’t have the good of the American people in mind.

Republicans concur. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Colorado, said, “I can believe the Democrats are even talking about this. It’s like they don’t understand how to negotiate when we don’t have the good of the American people in mind.”

(Washington DC) As democrats break ranks to end the government shutdown with no concessions, leaders for the party made clear that their actions so far will guide future actions as well. “This fight was one of many we’ll face when it comes to the needs of the American people,” said Chuck Shumer to reporters, “and we can promise Americans that this is the best they’re going to get.”

The 40-day shutdown is the longest in US history, and for over a month, essential workers have been required to work for no pay, as food subsidies ran out for low income Americans last week. Some in the party say the democrats have no direction going forward, but Schumer denies this. “Sure, we lost this fight, and the president may refuse to pay some people who worked in the shut down, and it may take months to restore food subsidies. But don’t forget what we got for our efforts.”

Republicans likewise note that they won’t stop fighting until Americans have no rights, either.

(Washington DC) As the longest shut down in US history continues, democratic lawmakers are beginning to express concern - and drop their demands - as the FAA has issued new guidance that private jet traffic may halt in busy airports across the country.

“We never expected this kind of suffering,” said one democratic Senator off the record. “We knew there would be pain, but after this, how are we going to go back to our constituents and tell them they can’t fly to Boca any time they want to. I’m getting angry calls every hour… and on the real phone, not the public one.”

“My office has a line of people’s staff waiting to complain,” said another. “Do we expect them to fly commercial? What if they get raped in first class?”

These concerns are driving democrats to concede, having left millions working without pay, and even more Americans without food, for no gain. “It makes you think,” said one House democrat. “I’ve also been here on a forced break, getting paid $6,600 a pay period while we wait, but what if I wasn’t? I feel solidarity with everyone struggling right now, and I’m sure I’ll tip my pilot a little something extra on my return to DC.”

Not all Americans are excited about the concession. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler from Oregon, wishes the shut down would continue. “There are a lot of private jets near Portland, I was hoping to live in one for a while with the shut down. At least I won a few bucks guessing when the democrats would buckle.”

(Mar a Largo, FL) the president is said to be shaken, but in stable condition after what he claims was an attack by “masked men” in his office, after a brief official meeting after a full day of golfing. The president says the he has no idea how the assailants got through layers Secret Service security, and likewise escaped, but pointed out several times that his injuries had nothing to do with what was said in the meeting. “They were big, bad men, with masks, this was nothing to do with the meeting, what was said in the meeting,” trump reiterated to the media.

Sources close to the White House note that the last thing discussed in the meeting was a comment by FBI Director Kash Patel, who tried to convince the president that a person cannot lick their own elbow. “Trump couldn’t believe it,” said one source that asked not to be named. “I don’t remember how it came up. But Kash told him there was no way to do it.” What followed, after the meeting room was emptied, was a “struggle,” in which several pieces of furniture were broken, and trump found by secret service on the ground, bleeding from several cuts, his jacket off and sleeves rolled up. Trump blamed the damage on two large assailants who “appeared out of nowhere” and “went to town” on the president. He has called for a full investigation of antifa following the attack.

Noting that security cameras are all over the Mar a Lago facility, several press agencies have filed FOIA requests to review any relevant footage. The White House has declined to provide video footage of the events.

Some Americans are alarmed by this turn of event. Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in Key Largo, said, “the idea that antifa has the ability to teleport is very frightening. Also, wearing a mask is illegal, unless you are trying to deport people, where it’s mandatory. They better not have been trying to deport our commander in chief!”

(Los Angeles, CA) Citing prior art, Marvel Comics and Disney Entertainment have filed suit in district court, claiming that using a SNAP to half food benefits infringes on their copyright. “The iconic use of a snap to halve things is the property of Marvel Entertainment, and the trump administration does not have permission to use this property,” read the complaint filed Friday.

Marvel is known for their villain character Thanos, a large leader of a group of thugs trying to destroy half of all life in the universe, in the Infinity Wars saga.

(Washington DC) There was uproar at a White House children’s event today, as a furious president trump, leaving the Oval Office after meeting Democratic Senators, threw Dick Durbin’s (D, Illinois) cat at the children of the event. Two children received medical attention and were released. The event was celebrating education without diversity.

The president fired back at critics who called out both his behavior, and choice of target for his anger. “My actions were an expression of how angry every American is about this shut down, and the lying Democrats, they lie… they lie… that’s all they do. These children are suffering claw marks because they won’t compromise and reopen the government.”

“As an American, I have free will to throw a cat when I’m angry, and I was expressing my speech, through a cat, which is totally allowed.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavit also took the president’s side, saying, “president trump removed the animal appropriately, and bringing your pet to a negotiation when the president is angry is calling for this kind of action.” When questioned on the status of Senator Durbin’s pet, she declined to comment.

Republicans are siding with the president, though some are worried that even dog lovers may take offense at him throwing cats, hurting children, or both. Leo Sturbgetter, a recently unemployed trash wrangler in San Fransisco, said he supports the president, but he has doubts. “I mean, I get in a mood sometimes, but you can’t hurt children with cats, that’s what belts is for, and only for reasons.”

The cat’s status remained unconfirmed at newstime.

(Wall Street, NY) Traders took a moment to remember Nancy Pelosi‘s career today, as the Congresswoman announced she was ending her 38 year stint as a Washington politician. Pelosi spent many of those years as a Democratic leader in Congress, serving as Speaker of the House under four Presidents.

Pelosi was known in trading circles as “Nance in Advance,” with a savvy trading portfolio that often predicted future innovation and government policy with supernatural accuracy. While Pelosi was cited as a reason for legislation limiting trading by members of Congress, Wall Street recognized her as an icon, and announced Thursday that her net worth, $256.6 million, will be officially retired, meaning no member of Congress may claim that amount to a magazine, or ethics panel when they are under investigation.

“I have a copy of her long positions on Nivida, back before the split,” said one trader at the announcement. “She made so much money there… god I wish I was on one of those committees. Freedom is never free, and her stock portfolio will always remind us of this.”

The trading website Unusual Whales announced they will be laying off 3 staff regularly committed to the former Speaker, including the man that searched her garbage. “I don’t know what I’ll do without Nancy,” said former garbage wrangler Leo Sturbgetter. “I guess I’ll return to my love of sorting cattle.”

(Washington DC) As republicans respond to election loses and the Epstein files become a distant summer dream, the US Department of Transportation announced that, should the government ever reopen, work will immediately begin to widen roads to accommodate new vehicles being produced by Chevy and planned by Ford and Dodge. Referred to as “Double Wide” trucks, the vehicles are 50% wider than traditional wide trucks, and base models stand 10 feet from the ground with basic packages. Chevy announced the vehicles will be hitting stores in early 2026.

“These babies are huge,” said Zap Chestman, Chevy’s head of promotional releases. “You could roll over a Prius in one of these and never know it till the cops showed up… to give you a high five.” Chestman noted that the vehicles stand taller than many custom, lifted trucks, and would be safer for children - once roads are widened - as many vehicles would pass younger children under the vehicle if they miss the tires. “We ran a test and children as old as six can pass safely under a Double Wide with lifted tires… and we find children older than that are really nimble. Once you exceed a certain height, the vehicle becomes even more safe for pedestrians, like with an airplane.”

Not all truck owners are excited about the change, or its lofty price tag. “I just got a King Ranch for $110,000, and lifted tires for another $20,000,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in lower Colorado. I don’t think I can handle $250,000 for a new truck… even though I don’t want a new truck owner looking down at me in traffic. I never thought I’d say it, but maybe a truck can be too big.”

Proponents of the vehicle note that the vehicle is not much larger than the largest vehicles on the road today, and that new roads will allow better room to maneuver for smaller cars and busses. They also note that new technologies like the door elevator can be used for accessibility with the handicapped, even in normal vehicles. Chestman highlights that interest is already high for the first production vehicles. “There has been an arms race in vehicle size for safety over the last 10 years, and we’re sure our owners will feel like they have an F-35, especially when they pay to refuel it. Chevy will let you look down on the world, starting next year.”

Representatives for the future Ford Executer or Dodge Ozymanduis could not be contacted by newstime.

(Pittsburgh, PA) In a Tuesday press conference, scientists at the Duolingo language-learning software company announced they are closing in on the perfect learning experience. Scientists say they have almost added every animation and effect that the marketing department predicted would help students learn, and hope to finish soon.

“In 2011, our program began teaching the world to speak to each other,” the announcement began, “and now our little owl has progressed to teach more people than all language schools combined.” They repeated the opening in several languages, including Klingon.

Duolingo is known for its characters and game learning style, and has greatly increased their animations in recent years. Researcher Gabriella Frezz says they saw a large initial bump in users when characters expanded, and again when they received basic animations. “That made it clear to us that the language skills are driven by animation, and we have been chasing that rabbit ever since.”

“Right now, we have characters dancing, lightning at several points interrupting the lessons, and a completion animation, but we know we can do more,” Frezz said. “Imagine if we added a cut scene for a spy chasing bank robber through a window at some point in the lesson, or maybe several cut scenes? Surely this would increase engagement and help people learn.”

Several new animations were demonstrated, including a five minute, unskippable animatic of the duo owl running around high-fiving other characters if a student gets three questions right in a row. “This one is really good,” said the speaker. “Since we added it, people are staying in lessons five minutes longer than before.”

Some skeptics doubt the constant distractions help students learn. One attendee noted that when searching google, “duolingo turn off animations” ranks highly for autocompletion. But Frezz says the research shows longer engagement helps important metrics, like stock price. “As an almost-vested employee, I’m excited to help keep people learning in the app as long as possible.

(Addis Ababa, Ethiopia) Calling on a spirit of kinship after so much help in the past, the nation of Ethiopia has pledged food and monetary aid to the US as millions face food insecurity across the nation. Abiy Ahbed Ali, Ethiopia’s Prime Minister, announced that the money would go directly to non-profits, to avoid concerns of corruption in the American federal government, which might prevent aid from reaching those in need.

Ethiopia, a nation embroiled in war less than 5 years ago, and still facing drought, still feels fortunate to have leadership facing their problems, and not facing chaos like the United States. “Have you seen pictures of Florida,” said one child at the announcement. “Every time I forget to brush my teeth, that picture of the skinny man on meth comes out, like a nightmare become real. My mother tells me to study hard to one day to be a researcher in Europe or China, not a Floridian.”

Some Americans are insulted by the aid. US president trump calls for the aid to be placed in the SNAP emergency fund, so he can better control it. Warlord…. Correction, Department of War Director Hegseth says going around the government could be considered an attack on America, and might require military action. But Prime Minister Ali calls on those ruling the US and sending troops into cities to stand down, and let Ethiopia help its troubled global neighbor.

Not all Americans are against the aid. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler at a large Texas ranch, says he welcomes the aid. “Ain’t much money in cow tangles, so every scrap of food helps. One day I hope this barren scrub land in Texas can be nice as Ethiopia.”