bradorsomething

(Washington DC) As attacks escalate in the Middle East, attention remains on the constant leaks from the trump administration regarding policy. After recent praise of the Defense Department on the secrecy around the B2 attacks on Iran, CNN has begun to report on rumors this could not have happened if Sec Hegseth had been drinking an excessive amount of vodka. They have called on the Secretary to help them stop the rumors, by appearing on their program and drinking one-fifth of a gallon (750 mL) of vodka in one sitting, then giving an interview on the administration. The Secretary has responded warmly on whatever twitter is called now.

He responded: “Easy to prove this, probably in one swallow if I skip breakfast. Delighted to prove being a secretary doesn’t mean wearing a dress.”

CNN host Anderson Cooper responded warmly with an invite on that evening’s newscast, keeping a very straight face.

CNN executives hope this is one of many interviews they will host, after hiring a dozen high school and colleges psychology counselors to their advisory staff. “We have had major issues reaching out to the administration, but we feel certain changes may address this. Pete is a strong man, and a serious bro, and we think this challenge will make him stand out as trump’s favorite. Also, kristi noem… girl who ruined your nails… call me and we can fix that, I know the best girl that can make those babies shine!”

When asked by a CNN reporter in a low cut dress if he only hired men that could handle tough challenges like the interview, the president was quick to agree with the statement. “Well of course I only hire the best people… Pete… Pete? …yes Pete is a good man and we’re really proud of what he’s doing.

Hegseth’s sponsor could not be reached for comment.

(Washington, DC) As attacks by israel and iran continue into their third week, US president donald trump announced he is pleased with how the world responded to his “total and immediate cease fire,” which he intended as a test for us all, and which we passed.

“I didn’t declare a cease fire, that would be ridiculous to declare a cease fire,” trump said at his New Jersey golf resort Tuesday. “Nobody is declaring peace… that was a test. A test. A big test and you have all passed, and I’m very proud of you, the passing, because a test is hard but your passing the test was about passing.”

Some US Middle East experts praise the president for his attempt to declare a cease fire, and his novel approach. “This is a complex situation,” said one expert, “and in tense times, a child’s innocence can sometimes make cooler heads prevail. The fact this child is an overweight confused old man in this scenario… does not mean the novelty of telling people they weren’t at war couldn’t work.”

Republicans agree. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in west Texas, said, “the president ended the war, that is final. And maybe when those two stop shooting each other, they’ll realize this ended years ago, when trump said it did. Also, I’m proud to pass the president’s test. I didn’t even study.”

Both israel and iran remained at war at time of publishing.

(Washington DC) As Pride Month begins in the US, republican complaints about the festivities, events, and recognition of diversity are rapidly growing, both inside the trump White House and around the country. In a step to draw attention away from the festivities, the trump White House is organizing a “Shame Month,” meant to highlight their view that recognizing diversity hurts the US image as a melting pot of different cultures. To start things off, the president and his HHS Secretary are planning to lick a bat during a press conference on June 1st.

Event organizers say the bat, a Chinese Black Bearded Tomb Bat, is meant to symbolize both the republican belief that alternative sexual life styles lead to beastiality, and that covid isn’t real. “Covid isn’t real, or it may cause autism,” said one of the more recent HHS hires, an event organizer. “We’re not sure which one of these is true. But when the president and the secretary lick this bat, Americans will know the truth, finally, at last.”

Not all Americans feel this is the best use of the president’s time. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler in eastern Nebraska, feels this event may actually hurt the president’s reputation as an effective communicator. “I can get what he’s going for,” he said. “But those China bats can be full of Covid, and if he gets sick, it might hurt his chances of looking strong, which is what matters to me. I think he should just watch RFK lick the bat, and maybe film it or something.”

Reporters, however, are excited to cover the event. “This almost makes all this stupidity worth it,” said one reporter who asked not to be named for fear of losing his press pass. “I kind of feel we should ask what animals he [the president] would refuse to lick, to see if we can make this a regular thing. Do you think they’d lick a squirrel? Where do you think RFK would lick… you know what, I will withdraw that question.”

The June First event is one of many scheduled for Shame Month, including a massive military parade to celebrate government spending. A full schedule of events is expected to be released on the first of the month, when the press department has more tokens to generate content.

The Department of HHS declined to comment who would lick the bat first.

(Mar A Lago, FL) In a brief press conference Tuesday, the US president confirmed that the $175 billion appropriated for the Golden Dome system over the next 3 years is actually budgeted for a “golden do me,” which he explained as, “well a blond girl, and she’s very nice, very lovely… well she has a serious task ahead of her, and she works for her money, folks… there are no hand outs. I mean she has her hand out, but there are no hand outs, I can tell you this.”

Blond press secretary Karoline Leavitt was unable to comment due to prior commitments in the trump white house.

(Washington DC) Per a statement from the White House Press Office:

On Tuesday, a reporter from the New York Times asked, “does anyone know what time it is,” to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied, “it’s two thirty-six.” What she meant to say was, “it is time for the american voter to be given the truth, and not the outrageous lies of the mainstream media about the president.” The press office regrets the error.

(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.

The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.

Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Catholic church hierarchy. And while Vatican law requires the next leader of the church to be chosen by the church leadership, trump’s team notes that isn’t always the case. “The president is being attacked by the malicious politicians of the global elite and the corrupt priests of the church,” said Press Secretary Karoline Levitt. “One pope I know was chosen out of a crowd because a bird landing on him, so we say Jared is that man, and donald trump is that bird.”

But some pushback can be heard on this issue, even close to the trump team. One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope. I can’t believe he chose Jerad when I’m right here, dad. I’m right here.”

Trump’s clear lack of understanding of how a pope is elected, what a pope does, and even what religion the pope represents are considered a hindrance by Vatican watchers, but some say trump should never be counted out, once his tiny mind fixates on something. “He can’t have the pope,” said one. “But we also said America would never be dumb enough to elect him once… but here we are.”

(Washington, DC) As the current administration enters month three, an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid” has swept through American journalism. Even satirical articles face an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid.”

“It’s clear American media has run out of words to describe the policies of the trump presidency,” reports BBC in today’s news. “While everything coming out is alarming, or stupid, you can’t just say those words over and over… people tune out. It’s like trying to talk to fish about water.”

This conundrum has led some journalists to consult lexicons for more superfluous verbiage. But the use of synonyms has been found to drive off American readers, who often read at a middle school level.

“I ain’t never seen a lexicon,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler from rural Oklahoma, “although I do remember it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.”

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger into congress,” he added. “That would be pretty sweet.”

That sentiment was shared by republican lawmakers as well. “Now that Lowby mentioned it on his podcast, I think a tiger on the capital steps would be awesome,” said one GOP lawmaker who requested not to be named. “Letting an out-of-control creature loose in government is very on-message for our plans for the next 4 years. However, I don’t think trump will go for it… I mean maybe if it chases Nancy Pelosi… but trump is as likely to pardon the tiger as Joe. Also, Joe Exotic and Joe Biden have the same first name. You have to be around trump to understand why that’s a bad thing.”

Law scholars agree that with this being a Federal conviction, the ball rests squarely in trump’s hands. But as of Wednesday, Exotic remains caged like a… man that likes tigers.

(Helsinki, Finland) It has been a banner year for evil corporations slowly squeezing humanity for every last drop of profit. With trains derailing, ships hitting critical infrastructure, oil spills and fires, global warfare, and ongoing opioid problems, the dramatic end to a functioning society seems closer every day, as every facet of life seeks monetization. And every year, one industry stands out more evil than them all, and this year, oil execs say, it is going to them.

“We’ve definitely seen the attention healthcare is getting,” said one oil executive, slipping into his baby-sea-otter-skinned jacked before a gala. “You have to admit, everyone hates health care… even we in petroleum. But while they are evil… who isn’t… oil has a deep-seated hatred in the world’s psyche that deserves recognition.”

The ‘Most Hated Industry’ Awards, or “the Haties” (not to be confused with the country destroyed by poverty), is recognition that one sector is out-crushing everyone when it comes to weighing down the human soul. Oil, a perennial favorite, feels this is their time again, and they’re not afraid to brag. “We’ve had several tankers sink this year, and spill, some in the last few months. Oh sure, people don’t cry as much when each bird covered with oil dies, now a day, but we’re making it up with volume. Do you like the price you pay at the pump? Too bad. I did this, not some peasant in the White House. Our private ballroom is called Club Baby Seal. You can’t deny true hatred.”

But some experts disagree that oil is the black spot in people’s heart it used to be. Researchers at the Nestle Institute of Greater Evil find that Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the most often loathed in recent polls. “We know people would gladly shoot at oil executives if they had the chance, but you can tell from recent events that maybe oil is slipping, pardon the pun, behind other aspects of life that make it feel dull and meaningless.”

Oil executives, of course, disagree. “We don’t like to brag, but some pretty big chunks of ice are falling into the ocean right now. Sure, maybe we convinced republicans that climate change isn’t real, but that knowledge among liberals should double their hate of us, if not more.” He laughed nervously, “as long as they vote!”

(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.

“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.

“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”

Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”

“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.

Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.

But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”

“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”