The answer is Wallace. Every old dude with a desk near me has been a solid guy who shuts the fuck up and always makes coffee before I get in.

Shiloh, i like Radiohead

Wallace.

Dude just wants to shut up and work, make it to retirement. You could probably engage him about his grandkids or his fishing trip if you wanted.

All the rest of them are gonna want to bother you with their problems or hobbies.

Wallace. In a heartbeat. Cause if someday he doesn’t have one, I’ve got my own office!

Shiloh all the way.

Wallace.

I'll go with Lewis. Him and I can do a great duet with our farting generator.

Shiloh. Radiohead isn’t terrible, and they’d probably be open to other interesting music, and so may make for better conversation than Crossfit Bro or Engaged Lady.

Hannah, because in a few months she won't be just engaged so she will turn less annoying.

Also Wallace. I generally don't mind old people. Maybe I'm getting old myself but stay off my lawn!

Lewis. I fart a lot too and have very little to no sense of smell. Open up the window and we'll fart together all day.

Hannah: Get her to invite me to the wedding, meet her friends and all the social circle. Very helpful to grind that social experience

Caleb: dude is probably shredded and knows not only how to eat healthy, but, by comparison, will force you to eat healthy as well. Probably can help with grinding the social experience as well

Wallace: if you get him to open up and share his work experience, this could be the teaching of a lifetime. Also helps to grind the social experience as he probably has young nephews, and family gatherings to invite you

These 3 are my best choices

I've had Hannah, Caleb, Wallace and Susan.

• Hannah is annoying at first, but it will blow over.

• Caleb will talk about sports and that will be all he talks about. You can tune him out, but he will learn to hate you, because you don't value his feats of manliness.

• Wallace is ok at first, but becomes really tiresome. His worldview is from 1920s, blatantly racist and doesn't realize it, judges you constantly according to some stereotype that is based on some guy he knew 100 years ago and gives you occasional corrective sermons that make no sense, because they are for that guy he once knew.

• Susan appears to be ok, but is a psycho. Will try to manipulate you and delegate stuff to you, even though doesn't even work in for the same department. Everything is a thing that will be decisive to your career and soon marks you down as a looser, because you don't listen to her. Will leave the company, because everyone is a looser.

Edit: so anyone in the top four. Office already stinks and on music is allowed.

Wallace

Aww, probably Hannah. As much as I would want to be surly or jealous of someone else finding their person, I could use some positivity in my life.

Shiloh i dont mind listen to radio

Wallace. Bet he's seen some shit.

Radio head it is then

I'd be fine with several of these.

Brice: I've never understood people's distaste for that smell. I won't microwave tuna in an office because I know others don't like it, but it wouldn't bother me.

Wallace: probably has some great stories, but also likely wants to shut up and get things done. Great combination if handled correctly.

Shiloh: hey, you can play anything on your headphones, I'm cool with that. But if you want to play stuff on speaker it's only fair that we play 50/50. (My secret: I could totally do up to 75% Radiohead)

Dayzie: again, not a smell that tends to bother me.

Susan. Make friends with HR. Get your folder marked, "promote ahead of peers".

Whichever isn't a fucking bigot.

Wallace or Susan. Almost every place I’ve been HR is the freakiest of the groups and generally doesn’t care. (And yes that’s annecdotal and I’m sure there will be others who say they’re the worst)

Who gets an office anymore. I though it was all hotdesking bullshit

Because judging people on prejudice is what we like doing. It's innate, but also a bit harmful towards those that don't fit the mold.

Also a lot of love for Wallace. That may also be why we favor older people in elections. I don't think that's a good thing.

I know it's a shit post, but I felt like doing a Debby downer in here. Disregard if it spoils your fun.

All of the above. Let's party!

I know this is a joke but most of these seem fine to me

Anyone but Brice, tbh.

• Idk what’s supposed to be bad about getting engaged
• Everyone farts
• I like Radiohead
• Natural deodorant works fine for a lot of people
• Most people I’ve known who do crossfit have been very aware that talking about it is a meme
• Dudes who are super old and still working tend to be fun
• HR folks have a lot ot useful info for getting the most out of your employment

Edit: I will decline Wallace, too, actually. As fun as he might be, at 100 there’s a pretty good chance he’ll die on the job and I don’t wanna deal with that.

I used to sit next to someone like Hannah in an open plan office. She was lovely. Really happy and excited for her future.

Dayzie