*CW: suicide/self harm
spoiler
I'm not doing super great right now. Been fighting alot with partner, this summer has been the worst of my life. Missing milestones with my youngest kid, missing even more with my oldest kid. I have court paperwork saying i should see her every other week, i don't. I havent seen her in 4 years. My ex doesn't even know about my transition. I'm so scared of whatll happen when she find out.
The other week, my old best friend killed himself, atleast according to police. We had a falling out, so didnt affect me really in terms of his passing. I was more upset he was the second person to die this summer, people my age are dropping like flies. Makes mortality hit harder ig. Anyway, my ex after 4 yrs of no contact, decided shed text me that he killed himself and his viewing is the next day at noon. No address tho, couldn't have gone if i wanted.
Part of me working to better myself is standing up for myself more and not being passive. So i eventually sent her a text saying that i don't appreciate her reaching out for that reason, that the only reason i want to hear from her is about my daughter, and that she clearly sent that to hurt me because she didn't send an address.
Well, she texted back. I wont say exactly what she said to me but basically said it should've been me instead of my friend (they dated after me), string of abusive name-calling, ending with telling me to "pull the trigger pussy"
And honestly, ive already been in a pretty dark mindstate recently. Im not posting as much, im not keeping up with people. Im crawling back into a hole and i know it, im desperately trying to claw my way back out and i get closer and closer but stuff like this just drops me further into it. Transition did make me happy, at one point. So much shit has been going wrong in my life that i no longer feel that happiness and joy everytime i inject. I cried all the way through my last inject, because i want it more than anything but it also feels like its destroying my life.
Idk how to handle all this, im not equipped to even just be a normal adult. Im just laying in bed, alone, trying to hold back tears. Just normal sadgirl things ig. I wish i felt like there is an answer for all this, but there isnt really. Aside from saving her message telling me to kys to show in court. I just wish i had someone here with me to hold me and tell me its going to be ok, just comfort me instead of me trying to comfort everyone else for once. Idk, just another rant into the void i guess 🤷♀️😭😭
I am not currently planning suicide, im not trying to find means to hurt myself. Dont worry.
If you are currently contemplating suicide please reach out for help, 988 if your in USA, or my inbox if youd prefer. You are not alone, you are loved, and you are worth having around.