*CW: suicide/self harm
spoiler
I'm not doing super great right now. Been fighting alot with partner, this summer has been the worst of my life. Missing milestones with my youngest kid, missing even more with my oldest kid. I have court paperwork saying i should see her every other week, i don't. I havent seen her in 4 years. My ex doesn't even know about my transition. I'm so scared of whatll happen when she find out.
The other week, my old best friend killed himself, atleast according to police. We had a falling out, so didnt affect me really in terms of his passing. I was more upset he was the second person to die this summer, people my age are dropping like flies. Makes mortality hit harder ig. Anyway, my ex after 4 yrs of no contact, decided shed text me that he killed himself and his viewing is the next day at noon. No address tho, couldn't have gone if i wanted.
Part of me working to better myself is standing up for myself more and not being passive. So i eventually sent her a text saying that i don't appreciate her reaching out for that reason, that the only reason i want to hear from her is about my daughter, and that she clearly sent that to hurt me because she didn't send an address.
Well, she texted back. I wont say exactly what she said to me but basically said it should've been me instead of my friend (they dated after me), string of abusive name-calling, ending with telling me to "pull the trigger pussy"
And honestly, ive already been in a pretty dark mindstate recently. Im not posting as much, im not keeping up with people. Im crawling back into a hole and i know it, im desperately trying to claw my way back out and i get closer and closer but stuff like this just drops me further into it. Transition did make me happy, at one point. So much shit has been going wrong in my life that i no longer feel that happiness and joy everytime i inject. I cried all the way through my last inject, because i want it more than anything but it also feels like its destroying my life.
Idk how to handle all this, im not equipped to even just be a normal adult. Im just laying in bed, alone, trying to hold back tears. Just normal sadgirl things ig. I wish i felt like there is an answer for all this, but there isnt really. Aside from saving her message telling me to kys to show in court. I just wish i had someone here with me to hold me and tell me its going to be ok, just comfort me instead of me trying to comfort everyone else for once. Idk, just another rant into the void i guess 🤷♀️😭😭
I am not currently planning suicide, im not trying to find means to hurt myself. Dont worry.
If you are currently contemplating suicide please reach out for help, 988 if your in USA, or my inbox if youd prefer. You are not alone, you are loved, and you are worth having around.
🫂 I promise it gets better
Building that "chosen family" around yourself is hard, but having that community is what keeps the darkness at bay. Please don't neglect to reach out to the people in your life who care about you when you're feeling down. You aren't a burden, I know if any of my friends were going through this i'd want to be there for them, i'm sure your friends feel the same way.
And if you don't feel like you have any friends, just show up to enough queer spaces or to queer-friendly spaces centered around your hobbies and you'll meet people who get you soon enough. For me this was a queer-friendly board game shop, but it can be whatever you're into.
It really does get better, it just takes a little time 🫂
Ive started meeting lots of trans people irl and have made a buncha friends. Its just getting over the feeling like a burden part yknow? ❤️
Yeah that's hard. But imagine how you'd feel if one of those friends were struggling. You'd want them to reach out, so your friends want you to reach out, too.
The first time is the hardest, it gets a tiny bit easier each time
I know it, i just have to try and im sure it'll work out. Part of my other issue is trust, ive let loose far too much information about myself in the past and its bitten me several times. So now i have a hard time opening up. But thats kinda what this post is for, online stuff is easier especially here.
Everyone here knows me, i really dont want to make people sad. I love lifting people up, and giving them the support and things i cant give myself. Talking about my issues or being depressed seems antithetical to that. But im working on it ❤️❤️
Well it gives us a chance to lift you up some
❤️❤️