The Onion and other satire w/ layers

The FCC argued that the gigabit target wasn’t sufficiently “technologically neutral,” since slower options like satellite, fixed wireless, and Morse code might struggle to reach it, embracing the revolutionary regulatory principle that when newer technology dramatically outperforms older technology, the responsible thing to do is lower the standard until everybody gets a participation trophy.

“Morse code just can’t go at gigabit speeds, so we should probably cancel fiber technology altogether,” explained one fictional FCC policy adviser. “You can’t claim to support innovation and then cruelly expect older technology to improve.”

Under the FCC’s new Nobody Gets Left Behind Because Nobody Goes Forward initiative, broadband infrastructure regulations will be gradually eliminated and replaced with a much simpler standard: if an Internet connection eventually loads a website, it is broadband.

Officials stressed that this will dramatically expand high-speed Internet access on paper.

“If someone in rural America is getting 12 Mbps, we could spend billions bringing fiber to their house,” an FCC spokesperson explained. “Or we could simply stop describing 12 Mbps as slow. The second option is considerably cheaper.”

AOL immediately began exploring a dial-up comeback, while several telecom companies reportedly discovered warehouses full of DSL equipment and quietly began printing brochures describing it as “Retro Broadband.”

Online commenter ChucklesLord strongly supported the decision, arguing that modern Internet contains entirely too much information.

“Video has too many pixels now,” he wrote. “I liked it better when my porn was fuzzy because the Internet couldn’t keep up. It leaves something to the imagination.”

When other commenters pointed out that he could simply lower the video quality, zoom out, or watch older low-resolution videos, ChucklesLord dismissed all three suggestions.

“I don’t like doing that,” he replied. “Therefore the world needs to change.”

The comment was subsequently cited by telecommunications lobbyists as the strongest evidence yet of shifting consumer preferences.

International reaction was less supportive.

Across Europe and Asia, broadband executives reportedly gathered around 10-gigabit connections to watch the announcement, briefly pausing their enormous downloads so everyone could laugh in unison.

Bookies overseas have already begun taking bets on how American capitalism will monetize the FCC’s breakthrough, with the current favorite being a new generation of plans offering half the speed for twice the price, plus a $14.99 monthly “High-Speed Technology Access Fee.”

FCC officials rejected criticism that America was deliberately lowering its ambitions.

“We’re not falling behind,” one official clarified. “We’ve simply stopped measuring how far ahead everyone else is.”

Telecom executives praised the decision, assuring customers that abandoning speed targets would have absolutely no effect on their commitment to raising prices.