The Onion and other satire w/ layers

In a move that shook global markets and surprised even some supporters, President Donald Trump announced major tariffs on all products made outside the United States, entirely intended as retaliation for the death of beloved film star Val Kilmer.

“Val Kilmer was a Very Brilliant Actor,” the President stated in a later Truth Social post. “And I realized in a WEIRD DREAM that the only way to avenge his death was through a 10% tariff on all imported goods! Make America Great Again! Tombstone!”

Not sure what Trudeau is really worth at this point.

Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. “I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure you’re not an undercover,” said gang leader Butch ‘Mad Dog’ Tucker, who nodded for one of his men to start a verbal altercation with another gang member so that Gunnerson could either help amicably resolve the dispute or violently escalate it, depending on his instincts.

28-Year-Old Katie Linney's body was found cut up into dozens of pieces, leading police to conclude her death was a clear case of suicide by dismemberment.

Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”

Rating: Mixed

A review of historical military records does much to explain the presence of these arctic-based spearmen, who are, as DOGE claims, still on the US military payroll.

The recent declassification of all records relating to President John F. Kennedy’s assassination has revealed that the event was motivated entirely by Lee Harvey Oswald’s lifelong obsession with violent video games, historians announced.

“For the first time ever, we’re able to look back on that day with almost perfect clarity,” explained Owen Císte-Torthaí, professor of history at the University of Maryland. “All the ridiculous speculation and conspiracy theories can finally be put to rest. We know exactly why Kennedy was assassinated, and like every act of violence, it’s because of video games.”

In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals.

Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm.

“This is an option we offer to our more health-conscious decedents,” said Barry Carroll, funeral home director. “The patented fat-burning technology allows our patrons to experience a leaner afterlife without losing any of that heavenly flavor. You simply close the lid, and the casket does all the work. It couldn’t be any simpler.”

Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context.

edit: as pointed out in a comment by /u/magic_lobster_party who paid more attention to the page than I did, this is actually from 2016 and was just recently resurfaced to me while I was browsing the site (but it is, unfortunately, still relevant)

In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did.

The nation’s ongoing housing crisis has taken a disturbing ecological turn, with experts confirming that slugs now outnumber snails at an unprecedented rate.

In inner city areas, there have also been reports of snails sporting multiple shells, despite it offering no additional protection and security. Many have also refused to downsize, leaving slugs to face the elements.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.

In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs in most recipes,” said a USDA spokesperson, citing the practice as a popular method of food preparation that dates back to the Great Depression, when many Americans had nothing on hand in the pantry, making hunger a practical alternative for many meals.

Tech CEO's response to burning Teslas includes plans to "optimize" firefighting industry out of existence

Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to keep him in power. “Whoa, he must have some real bad dirt on the U.S. populace for them to just let him get away with so much unconscionable bullshit. You have to wonder what he knows,” said billions of world inhabitants outside of President Trump’s jurisdiction

NASA astronauts Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Suni Williams have successfully returned to Earth, but have been told they will need to say ‘thank you’ to the new President and Vice President before they will be released from their capsule.

As Williams opened the door to the space capsule in waters off Florida, she was surprised to see JD Vance standing on a boat nearby. “Have you said thank you to me once in this entire mission?” he said to a visibly confused Williams.

After months of defending his country from their unending attacks, President ‘Peacemaker’ Putin has agreed to a ceasefire deal he called the “Netanyahu Accords”.

Putin said he would be willing to follow any ceasefire agreement based on the ceasefire ‘peace loving’ Israeli PM Benjamin Nentanyahu recently signed, as long as Russia gets to be the ‘Israel’ in the agreement.