I did it Kim! I teleported!
this post was submitted on 20 Mar 2026
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First thing I thought of!
I think "teleporting to Waffle House" is a new favorite euphemism for getting totally shitfaced
Its shockingly accurate.
I've teleported to many a Waffle House after a long night.
Norms in my case.
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Phillips, a conservative activist who spread voter fraud conspiracies
Nobody spreads conspiracies. One either takes part in conspiracies or spreads conspiracy theories. Those are very different things.
Wait. You're saying that The Mirror, noted bastion of low-quality tabloid reporting, has stated something incorrectly?
Shocking.
Reminds me of the "people evacuated" scene from the Wire.
Previously, he oddly claimed that he involuntarily teleported to a Waffle House in Georgia that was 50 miles away.
Umn.. Aren't blackouts like that typically a sign of alcoholism or other substance abuse?
Carbon monoxide leaks
But this handwriting doesn’t look like mine at all
We need to talk but he won’t let us.
@atzanteol Yeah, I don't think it's all that uncommon for bearded old guys in the South to find themselves at WH unexpectedly.
Sure that or quantum mastery, your view skews pessimistic.
Just when I thought this season of America had jumped the shark, they introduce a brilliant new comic relief character.
I too have figured out teleportation. All it takes is for me to consume a bottle of tequila, and I wake up some time later in a dumpster outside of a Wal Mart. Two things I have yet to figure out; why is it always a dumpster outside Wal Mart? And why do I always lose my pants when passing through the quantum realm? Who, or what, is stealing my pants?
I bet you also time travel into the future
Through Tequila, all things are possible
Ooh, aren't you posh? Mezcal or GTFO. Extra points for gusano ingestion.
Aliens!! Tequila also must summon Aliens...
See, I once was out drinking tequila in the town with my mates then, in a blink of an eye, it was the next day and I was in my bed. I think I was abducted by Alienssss.
Whisky too.
There's been a few times when drinking whisky that I've either teleported to a completely different place. Or lost large swathes of time but stayed in the same place.
Also those aliens would sometimes puke on me, or strip me and leave me in my bath then shit on me. Those quirky filthy bastards!!
It was tequila that caused another mysterious event. I was on a binge and this attractive woman took me back to her place. Then the blackout. The very next morning, she still had a pretty face but had gained 40 pounds overnight. Inexplicable.
Kang
Nah, couldn’t be him. He got cancelled.
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Not a bit more insane than any religious person.
Religion is insane, yes, but not all of it's victims are...
I’m so tired
That's the plan.
ugh of course he's that lame and uncreative. i can levitate and fart showtunes (i mean it depends on how gurgly you want them to get i pitch correct in the tub) but you don't see me bragging when i haven't got a tony
Tequila Shots are never a good idea
The destination Waffle House was apparently in Rome, GA. I wonder where the origin "50 miles away" was?
Not because I believe he actually teleported, mind you, but because he was obviously driving while blackout drunk and I want him to stay the Hell away from me.
I'm no longer phased by any new confirmations that we're in the "circus" alternate reality of the one we thought we inhabited.
The people at FEMA praise him cause at least it seems like he actually wants to help after disasters unlike anyone else in government right now... That is where we are at somehow. We are just happy the illegitimate leader nutsos aren't against all help.
You mean we all died and ended up in the Amazing Digital Circus?
Amazing Digital Circus is just retelling I have No Mouth, and I must Scream, so that would mean we all died but 5-6 of us and this is just torture for them.
Please not that.
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Wow, no exaggerated clickbait here.
Oh, yeah, this one is fun cause the whole article still feels like eating the onion.
I guess being a walking disaster is now considered "experience" for disaster management.
"Here comes the disaster... chief."
Lmao, blacked out and went to a waffle house then woke up in a ditch. Huh, must have teleported here by accident.
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However, after a weeks in the role, several FEMA officials said they came around to Phillips after seeing his initiative during the January storm response.
“Gregg Phillips is FEMA’s best hope at this moment. I can’t believe I’m saying that,” one high-ranking FEMA official told CNN at the time.
Same, unnamed FEMA official, same.
@wjrii I would word it more as, "He's obviously terrible and clearly insane, but probably the best we can hope for from this regime for now."
Just not actively trying to destroy the department puts him in the upper echelon of competence for this administration.
Being John Malkoditch
"American leadership"
Oh my god the artifact actually works, I've gotta inform the high command
Bath salts will also do that
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