Trans

Coming out as an announcement is something you can choose to do or not. I talk openly about my life and if you catch that I mention a husband, then that’s me coming out. I no longer feel the need to tell people directly, and you can handle it however best suits you.

If you’re changing your name, that may warrant a heads up or you can just politely correct people “Hi, I go by compostgoblin now” and they can take it and run with it or ask you questions if they feel the need.

Remember you’re not obligated to explain your existence unless you want to 🙂 just my two cents.

FYI I'm not yet, but seriously considered this approach

I first started with people I felt safe enough around, in this case it was actually within my work environment because I wanted to establish a safety network there as I did it.

Find a moment, get the persons attention, “hey can I share something with you?” And you have a chance to take some breaths and stabilize while they change their attention. No sense turning back, but you could, though throwing myself in the deeper end like this has been working. It’s easier to steel one’s resolve when facing it for real versus just living it out in your mind.

“Sooo I’m trans, I go by , I’m kinda new at this. “

For many people I had an added comment of like “I really admire in you” etc and it puts this into a share realm for them. I’ve tied them to me with something like that and it kinda opened all the conversations.

It helps that I did this working in an education environment so literally everyone is educated adults. I did select people in small waves and did it bit by bit and it kept getting easier to speak out loud, share, open up and start actually living….

Didn’t take long from there to find and feel support, then take the plunge fully.

Good luck anyone and everyone.

I was initially so worried about my coming out seeming like an attention seeking thing, or like I was expecting anyone other than myself to treat it as a big deal, that I waited for opportunities to slip it in so casually that it's like I don't even really care myself.

A couple of examples.

Friend: "Excited for your trip to the US?"
Me: "Mostly, yeah. Just a little apprehensive. It's a bit less trans friendly over there. You know I'm trans right?"

Friend: "What's new?"
Me: "Name. Pronouns. That's about it though."

I came out to one person by presenting aggressively feminine when we caught up for coffee one day. Ripped off the bandaid, got that obvious topic out of the way, that was it.

One person I knew I wasn't going to see for a while, but I really wanted to tell her, so I said something like "you might want to update my contact info in your phone, new name, sorry to be a pain". She was thrilled and asked me for a new photo to go with the new name.

For me, "I go by now" was enough, since I don't like to make a big thing of it. Usually my appearance is enough to get the message across, but if I need to my usual lines are either "I've joined the girls' team" or "I gave up being a man".

I'm literally going to wait for my parents to die. Afterwards it's just my bisexual brother and my queer (at least half of them) kids. I'm unemployed and don't have many friends so there really aren't that many people who care about it.

a message is easiest for me, not that its easy but thats the only way ive ever been able to get it done

usually at 2am also but do as I say not as I do lmao

I made some kind of announcement to my close relative that are safe after either inviting them over or going over to them. "At some point I went by oh by the way I have something to tell you. I'm transitioning and started HRT F. Feel free to still use my name as I haven't yet chosen my name I will go by.

As for work (oh boy lots of racist people and probably transphobes... 🤞) and my parents (might go correctly or poorly 🤷‍♀️, but since my dad depends on me for things he cannot do anymore. He has more to loose by rejecting me and so far I know he loves his kids...) They gonna have to ask questions themselves when they will notice that I look more and more feminine.

I don't think there is any right or perfect way to do this. I had various approaches.

At work, I just put a message in a large group chat with all my colleagues. I think I said something like "I've been in therapy and have come to realize I'm trans. My new name is XX and my pronouns are YY". I always told people I was happy to answer questions, but almost nobody wanted to discuss it (I found this especially true the more they were identified as an "ally").

I think with my family, I just called them up one by one and just said, "hey, I've realized I'm trans and I'm transitioning, my new name is XX and my pronouns are YY. Just wanted to let you know." etc.

With friends I usually just texted the update. I socially transitioned all at once, and in every sphere of my life - so I didn't have some people knowing and others not knowing. I found this easiest and reduced the stress of people "finding out" and so on.

It doesn't have to be awkward - if it helps, just think: what do they really need to know? People want to know how to be respectful or polite, so it's important they know what name to call you, and what pronouns to use for you. They might also want assurances or to know that if they make honest mistakes they won't be punished or categorized as "transphobic", etc. Usually I found it easiest to assuage these fears by insisting I didn't expect perfection and that it was just important to me when there is a mistake that I know it's a mistake and not an intentional misgendering or deadnaming, and that it's similar with gender neutral language like "guys" or "dude" - as long as I know it's intended in a gender neutral way and not intended as misgendering, it's all good.

One person told me they were really nervous at first because they felt they didn't know how to treat me as a trans person, but that it was all made easy when they realized I was just a woman and that all they had to do was think of me as a woman - they said that was so easy to do and it really made them feel comfortable because it wasn't such a mystery "what to do" anymore.

The main struggle they had after then was just knowing how to bring me up with mixed company who may have known me before I transitioned and not heard I transitioned, and what they did was just refer to me by my new name and pronouns, and if there was visible confusion just saying "oh, person X was X but now they're Y". Since I was open, I didn't mind that this was handled.

I did it very slowly over a few years. Friends already knew I was non-conforming and considering a new name from a limited audience Facebook post I had made talking about names I was considering. And when I decided to start hormones I let some friends know that I had, and they asked if I was using a new name. Acquaintances kind of picked up on it and asked if I hadn't or a friend hadn't already told them.

My family I sent text messages, I live far away and don't really do phone calls much.

The hardest was work. I didn't change it for a couple of years. I work 100% remote and never use a webcam, so people didn't see my physical changes. I have a lot of connections across the company who know who I am from meetings and asking me questions that I'm an expert on.

I actually ended up telling a few people I work with closely last summer and then putting my name into an avatar picture (it's short) in every company website, messaging app, etc. I left that up for a while and told people who asked about it. Then I went on medical leave for my bottom surgery for 3 months. I scheduled my legal name change during that time period. I somewhat recently got back and with the legal name change going to HR, my name changed on a bunch of places automatically (email, WebEx, HR sites, Confluence, SharePoint, etc). So, that was the hard cutover. It's gone pretty well. My coworkers spread the word for me for the most part to people I don't really talk to. I'm sure a lot of people didn't ask me directly but asked my coworkers which is fine, I know it's an uncomfortable subject for some.

I started with my mom, continued with my best friends and then the rest of my family and at last the rest of my friends. I did everything in person because I felt it wasn't right to do that over text (one exception because we were supposed to meet one evening but that fell flat and I couldn't wait until the next time). Especially for friends who I knew were going to be supportive, because my friends are important and coming out is important and doing that just over text feels wrong. I'm lucky enough that everyone I know (family, friends, work) is accepting and supporting though.