A salami log.
this post was submitted on 19 Nov 2025
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Pumpkin pie
You brought a delicacy made from fruits that grow in a land none of them has ever heard of. That'd be pretty remarkable.
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I arrived well after the other wise men, sweating through my robes and wishing I’d taken a shorter route. I knelt beside the manger and laid out the lamb’s-wool scarf I’d meant to bring. It was soft, pure, perfect. Except the shearing accident had splattered it with dried blood. Mary stared. Joseph’s eyebrows climbed halfway to heaven.
“It’s prophetic symbolism,” I muttered. “You know… blood of the lamb?”
The silence was so heavy it felt like a fourth gift.
Panicking, I pulled a small winter squash from my pack and set it beside the scarf. “And this. For… later.”
The baby gurgled. I decided to take that as forgiveness.
This little drummer boy who would just NOT stop playing
The Bubba photos.
A second baby Jesus.
Booze.
My mixtape
I had some marvelous time share options to offer but after 4 hours the rubes said they'd stick to the manger. Don't they know time shares practically pay for themselves? Smh
An extended car warranty. In 2000 years he'll thank me.
A cross necklace.
Labuubuu. What the crap is a baby gonna do with some frankincense anyway?
Jacks, and a Lite Brite.
Numbing cream. I said it's a surprise tool that'll help him later, but no one bought it at the time. Little did they know he'd really need it at the end of his life
Hey, let's keep it baby-appropriate. I'd bring him the entire DVD box set collection of Baby Einstein videos but they'd reject my offering because DVD players & electricity didn't exist back then, and they wouldn't understand the concept of vegetating while staring at a flat surface on the wall for hours ignoring all your bodily needs & ignoring all your chores & obligations & family & all human interaction.
Modern carpenter hand tool. Then maybe he'll become a world renowned carpenter instead of mingle with idiots that crucified him.
Uranium-235.
Cut out... maybe I brought something inapropriate, something not fitting the narrative. I think I am bringing a blade, meant to show decisiveness. But on top of being a weapon it was roman made. ayyyyy
Look, I had a lot going on, so I kind of stole some flowers from someone's yard on the way, but the other wise men caught me. It's bullshit!
Richard Dawkins “the God Delusion”
A copy of the anarchists cookbook.
A .45 Colt 1911. Find out if it really is God's caliber.
Common Sense.
That's the brother of Frankincense.
Ferytrue! ¯\(ツ)/¯
Food and water, and a plush bunny. Somehow I feel that they drew the line at the food and water.
Jesus was born in Texas. He needs a hamburger.
Opium
Cyanide.
I recently learned from Jeopardy that apple seeds have cyanide
Raw almonds, a few fruits with pits in them like a peach, bamboo shoots, some types of lima beans. There's a few out there.
A Glock and some ammo, got thrown out when I tried to demonstrate it, apparently I distrubed the peace...