this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2025
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 24 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Fake, hand sanitizer is really hard to ignite and keep lot. Very sorry flame. Has a pretty blue green color though.

[–] village604@adultswim.fan 7 points 1 day ago

It also won't give you 3rd degree burns. I've intentionally lit my hand on fire with alcohol many times, and I've never had as much as a blister.

I've lit hand sanitzer on fire with wood, never tried it on my flesh though

[–] PhilipTheBucket@quokk.au 164 points 2 days ago (5 children)

There's a friend of mine who had a roommate who was a Sword Guy. People made fun of him and his sword sometimes, and life moved on as it does.

Then one day some kids who had had a disagreement with members of the house started hitting the front door with baseball bats, trying to break in and wreck up whoever they found inside. About the time they broke through the door Sword Guy came quick down the stairs with his sword. It happened basically exactly like in the anime. He said some weird edgelord shit, but also, he didn't sound like he was backing down and he was holding a real fucking sword. The kids with bats did the math and decided they didn't want to get sliced up today, and they left.

I won't say that Sword Guy became cool on that day but people definitely remembered it positively. Because at the end of the day, when the barbarians were at the gate, who came the fuck through? Sword Guy.

[–] GraniteM@lemmy.world 27 points 1 day ago

When they gave him the job, they gave him a gun. The Deliverator never deals in cash, but someone might come after him anyway—might want his car, or his cargo. The gun is tiny, aero-styled, lightweight, the kind of a gun a fashion designer would carry; it fires teensy darts that fly at five times the velocity of an SR-71 spy plane, and when you get done using it, you have to plug it into the cigarette lighter, because it runs on electricity.

The Deliverator never pulled that gun in anger, or in fear. He pulled it once in Gila Highlands. Some punks in Gila Highlands, a fancy Burbclave, wanted themselves a delivery, and they didn't want to pay for it. Thought they would impress the Deliverator with a baseball bat. The Deliverator took out his gun, centered its laser doohickey on that poised Louisville Slugger, fired it. The recoil was immense, as though the weapon had blown up in his hand. The middle third of the baseball bat turned into a column of burning sawdust accelerating in all directions like a bursting star. Punk ended up holding this bat handle with milky smoke pouring out the end. Stupid look on his face. Didn't get nothing but trouble from the Deliverator.

Since then the Deliverator has kept the gun in the glove compartment and relied, instead, on a matched set of samurai swords, which have always been his weapon of choice anyhow. The punks in Gila Highlands weren't afraid of the gun, so the Deliverator was forced to use it. But swords need no demonstrations.

--Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson

[–] RIPandTERROR@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 day ago

You're telling me they already had the home run bat and fucking Marth still got the stock? Rofl.

[–] WoodScientist@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago (3 children)

In 2009, a John Hopkins University sword guy used a katana to kill an intruder.

[–] lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org 1 points 1 day ago

John Hopkins University, more like Jimmy Hopkins University

[–] FundMECFS@anarchist.nexus 3 points 1 day ago

This guy is now a certified radiologist.

Suprised he didn’t become a surgeon.

In any case, not sure I’d like to be in his care lol.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Maryland is a fucking wild place

[–] WoodScientist@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago

My head canon is like this. Sword guy is hanging out in his room, sitting in a lotus position, sword displayed on a wooden stand in front of him, candles arranged around him, sword guy deep in meditation.

All of a sudden, from the floor below, sword guy hears the unmistakable sound of someone breaking into his home. He does not fear. He does not panic. He stands up, grabs his katana, and calmly says, "at last, my time has come..."

[–] sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Omae wa, mou shindeiru-!

.......rrrRrrRRReeeeEEEEEE!

[–] RaivoKulli@sopuli.xyz 31 points 1 day ago

These stories are funnier when they're more believable

[–] CaptainBasculin@lemmy.bascul.in 83 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Well, things could have gone very different if he was a Kirby main

[–] Credibly_Human@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago

Really wish donald stuck to this method of defeating the democrats.

[–] sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 38 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

I... I actually entirerly agree with anon on this one.

That's fucking hilarious, that indeed was worth it.

[–] GandalftheBlack@feddit.org 14 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

I've known people who've done shit like that.

Like, actual 'pocket sand!', worked because their assailaint wasn't wearing glasses, got all up in assailant's eyes, they then just ran away.

Obviously, no way to know if this particular tale is true or not, but its plausible, imo.

Its basically impromtu, ad hoc mace.

Fiddle and rifle through your pockets nervously, playing the part of scaredy cat, bully is boisterous and cocky, not paying too much attention...

Yeah, I can see this actually happening.

It would be awkward as fuck, but not impossible.

... Ever played with hairspray and a lighter, Solid Snake / Rorschach style?

[–] AnarchoEngineer@lemmy.dbzer0.com 54 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Fake: you think someone would just sit there and wait for you to light your fist on fire with the obvious intent to punch them?

Gay: dude wanted to “smash” his bully

[–] Cruxifux@feddit.nl 51 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Yeah I mean it would be awkward as fuck to do with any kind of urgency. But also put yourself in the bully’s shoes. The awkward kid you take money from pulls out hand sanitizer and lights his own hand on fire. If it’s me? I’m laughing and wondering what the fuck he’s doing and going to watch this idiot give himself third degree burns for ???? What possible reason could he be doing this for? Punching me with a flaming fist wouldn’t even occur to me.

[–] felixwhynot@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Fair. My only nitpick is I think second degree burns are the maximum that’s likely in this scenario.

[–] ngdev@lemmy.zip 9 points 1 day ago (2 children)

you're completely wrong

also hand sanitizer has ethanol which can burn at a pretty high temperature, and it is likely a gel hand sanitizer. so this dude allegedly punched his bully with a fistful of pseudo-napalm. id wager third degree burns are an extremely believable outcome

[–] theneverfox@pawb.social 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I have a party trick where I light my hand on fire and transfer the fire between shapes on a surface

It's not that hot, and it's super easy to light and put out. It's still, you know, fire, but panicked flailing is enough to put it out

Sure, you could get third degree burns from it, but only if you just let it sit there. If you tried to wipe it off or smack it out, which I think is the natural human reaction, it would just go out, possibly flinging little drops of fire around to get similar treatment

If anything, it's the nerf form of napalm...

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Yeah I've played with fire for years after being taught how to do it safely. Idk about the stickiness aspect of hand sanitizer but isopropyl alcohol is safe enough that I can use it to light my arm on fire, though a thin layer is always used. You don't want it to last more than a few seconds or it will risk a mild first degree burn

[–] ngdev@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

really? thats neat. wonder how itd turn out with ethanol tho lol ive seen it burn circles in carpet pretty quick

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Carpet wants to be on fire, it's a bunch of spread fibers. Skin doesn't want to catch fire. I think ethanol is hotter or less evaporative, but not er visit bad

[–] ngdev@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 day ago

no i didnt say the carpet caught fire, just that circle patterns were burned into it..it was a super shitty rug likely plastic threads. im just thinking that hand sanitizer is viscous and is a super high percentage of ethanol, so im betting that it would fuck your skin up pretty good. would just be a matter of how much of you is covered in it lol

[–] 0ops@piefed.zip 4 points 1 day ago

I totally agree with you on the heat, the main problem I see is that if there's any light in that room the flame wouldn't be visible.

Am I the only one here who used to light hand sanitizer on fire for shits and giggles?

[–] kkj@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 1 day ago

Yeah, alcohol burns very quickly and not really that hot (as far as fire is concerned). While it definitely can burn you, it actually won't necessarily do so.

[–] Cruxifux@feddit.nl 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know what the degrees of burns mean.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

First degree damages the top layer of skin, the typical sunburn is first degree. Second degree penetrates deeper and can involve things like blistering, it should receive first aid, but otherwise is likely fine. Third degree destroys all layers of skin, may appear black, and likely doesn't hurt due to destroyed nerves, it should be accompanied with an er (a&e for the brits) visit. Fourth degree destroys all layers of skin and some stuff under it, it can be life threatening.

I believe first or second degree burns are possible in this scenario, but third feels like an exaggeration

[–] felixwhynot@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Of course anon would never exaggerate!!!!

/s

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 11 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Shoulda goomba stomped him, smashed him with a mallet, or chucked a turtle at him.

[–] Deceptichum@quokk.au 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Shoulda taken him Go-Cart riding.