You should just sprint through security as fast and as suddenly as possible. Leap over some machines, shoulder some people out of the way, sprint through a metal detector to set it off.
All the security staff there find things like that really funny and will really appreciate you brightening their day.
Bring some fruit or seafood with you from overseas as a gift to the customs people.
Tell your check in staff and flight attendants, if you're super nice they might be able to put a sticker on your luggage/help you get a priority pass for queues.
Fly in from the Golden Triangle. With a boogie board.
If you have an Australian passport, you'll likely be through in under an hour even during busy times.
Alas, we have American passports. I suspect we’ll be in for a thorough inspection. Inside and out. You’d think that the prior inspections we’ve had for the visas and the work security clearance would have sufficed…
Having never navigated Australian Customs as a non-Australian, I have nothing to offer I fear.
At least they don't take mugshots and fingerprint everyone, though. "Welcome to the USA! Free FBI files for everyone!". They even fingerprinted/photographed my 18-month baby one visit. Criminal mastermind he was.