Parenting

I'm a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I'll say that hasn't been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it's a slow uphill move from there as baby's sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.

Don't worry about the bonding. It'll happen.

Good luck!

I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn't exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn't really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.

3 years later that same baby, I'd rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He's my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.

My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn't there but it's slowly growing. I fell like because I'm not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he'll let me put him down without too much of a fight.

Just give it time and hopefully you'll get to feel that overwhelming love, it's worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it's really sad.

Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you're struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don't forget you're in it together, it's not a competition.

Good luck

No, babies suck the first year.

I felt similarly to you, wasn't really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.

Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.

I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It's frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you're supposed to feel a certain way when you don't. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don't regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.

For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.

We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.

The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).

So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).

I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father's have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.

All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.

Good luck.

I didn't have much connection with my kids when they were young. I mean... babies are not very interactive.

Basically every year got better as they turned into awesome people. The youngest is a few years from leaving, and every moment I have with him is a treasure.

At three months, my son started smiling. That's when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.

Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don't know if I could have done it without them.

I too dont have any kids but to me, this is a key point in a relationship. You not wanting kids and her wanting 5 maybe should have been a flag before having kids

That said, it is what it is, and you are in it now so get the best out of it

There are pris and cons to having kids. Try to focus on the good things

I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It's normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It's a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.

It's not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.

If you need help reach out to family and friends if that's possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.

Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn't feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don't think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.

Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they're supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don't fell like an asshole explaining that they don't feel a connection right away.

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

man, i hope things turn around for you. only advice i can think of is tough it out, and do your best to not take it out on the kid like so many fathers do

Also don't have kids, but some real red flag energy coming from the other side of this relationship.

Wants 5x the responsibility they can't handle now while also letting you wing it/handle all of this like a godamn champion? Pass.

No, men don't even like their babies for the first three months. Mothers have already had 9 months to bond with the baby.