New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
I can see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I'm still going to share my story
For a man, getting a child is boring as fuck the first half a year. That's just how it's. Most mom's essentially gets a head start on bonding with the kid by being pregnant. And its super normal not feeling anything, it just takes time. Just do your best getting as much skin-to-skin contact, I think it helps with the bonding. And its super important for the child, so win-win. If you do it mostly while they're sleeping, you can watch tv, look at your phone. And if you have one of those gaming chairs that recline all the way back, you can even play computer if you're into that.
Then we wanted another kid, and after like half a year my wife got pregnant again, and we're where super glad. But I think a couple of months before the kid came out, I got postpartum depression. And I fucking hated my own kid, I could not stand her. And wanted nothing to do with her. I half remember not wanting anything to do with the baby, but honestly everything is a haze from that period.
In the end, I think after half a year, my wife gave me a ultimatum, either I seek professional help or we breakup and I leave for good. And that was the kicker for me half realising I needed help. Lucky at the time, I was 24 years old. And therapy is free when you're under 25, as we had no money.
I think I went to therapy for a couple of months, and luckily I was slowly getting better.
Now it's about 3 years later, I don't have an inch of depression anymore, and I love my kids more than anything.
Last month we just got our third kid, a now it's way easier bonding with her, because I already know what it entails. But it's still true, it's boring as fuck, she just lays there, and don't do much of anything.
But every month something new happens, and it's gets just a little better.
My other kids are now 3 and 5, and they're the most fun I have ever had with them. I pretend to be s monster and I chase them around, and they running and screaming for their life, while laughing their ass of! it's honestly one of the best feeling and I love it.
But I won't pretend everything is good. We still have to raise them, and it's still hard work everyday! And a lot of time, it's not fun getting angry at your kids, because they straight up just don't listen to you.
All I wanted to say, at first, it just seems like ekstra work and it's! But over the next couple years, when they start becoming an actual human, and you can start playing with them. That's when all the work starts paying off. And Luckily time goes fast when you get kids, almost too fast. And now my oldest is starting school next year, and I already feel like I'm not ready for her to grow up that much!
It will definitely get better, it just takes time, and everything you're feeling, is valid and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
And please just ask if you would like to know anything, or want me to elaborate, if I have explained something badly. I wrote everything on mobile, so sry for formatting or spelling mistakes.