(Washington DC) Court members were repeatedly pressed for comment on Saturday, as word has leaked out of a huge offer from Palantir Technologies to purchase the judicial activity of Justice Clarence Thomas, with a reported 1.2 billion dollars being offered in the deal. The offer details released so far include luxury housing, travel arrangements, and concubines, valued much higher than Thomas’s current indenture under billionaire Harlan Crow. Court watchers say this could be the largest known deal to date involving a US government official.
Thomas, an often maligned conservative justice of the Supreme Court, has multiple complaints levied against him of impropriety over the years. This new deal would blow past his previous offenses and could - should the court ever adopt an official code of ethics - lead to his resignation from government.
For now, though, the main question for is whether Thomas will stay loyal to his current owner, or switch teams. Palantir CEO Alex Karp says the change makes sense. “[Harlan] Crow has been hogging Clarence for quite some time, and for much less than the value he receives. Sure, he now has a free house for his mother, but we have real porn stars ready to do live porn on his command, with scripts written with the latest in AI. Clarence loves porn. And yeah, we can do much better than the house Crow bought him.”
“Harlan Crow needs to accept that if you want a man to play ball, you need to pay him like a star. Justice Thomas would be a great addition to our current roster of Congressmen and Senators.”
But not everyone is happy about the deal. “This is bullshit,” exclaimed comedian and news anchor John Oliver of Last Week Tonight. “I offered the man a camper… a very nice one, I might add… to retire, and now these assholes sweep in and pay him boatloads of money to keep going. Boatloads… I imagine a literal boat full of money pulling up to his beach house every time he makes a ruling! I’m only HBO money, you have to let a man like me compete!”
Those in the media question whether Thomas will agree to all the terms -wearing company branded robes is one stipulation know to be included - but also question whether Palantir needs the justice at all. “This man would make any conservative ruling for free, regardless of any paycheck,” said one media member who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisal. “I know it’s prestigious to own a justice, but the money might be better spent bribing the media. What… you saying you don’t want a billion dollars?”
Court watchers will be watching to see whose jet Thomas is flying on in the coming months.