Microblog Memes

I don't know if it's scary, but in the absolute core of my existence i just need my life to stop sooner rather than later.

I've always been a bit suicidal leaning but when i was stopped i never had the courage to try again.

Every single day my mind tells me "would've been better if you did, it's all a big shitshow anyway" it never misses a day. I keep telling myself to not listen to it but i do agree.

I had a certain circumstance a couple yeara ago where i was close to dieing and it brought me peace...i felt calm and became accepting of what was to come (despite the intense pain). Wife calles an ambulance which they refused to send as we were too calm for it to be believable, so we took a taxi and that's when they got to see the pain i was in and realized time was running out quick.

Bla bla bla etc etc, i got sent home a while later and the same pain returned...excruciating bone wrenching all encompassing pain and all my mind had to add was: "if this is real, just go to sleep and you won't have to wake up again".

And i did, despite this absolute tormenting pain i fell asleep so peacefully and convinced of it all ending...it was such a relief.

But i woke up after...shit.

That's the darkest corner of my existence.

I intentionally make up horrors and monsters to lurk in the shadows or under my bed. Sometimes when I can't fall asleep, I stare at a corner of the room, imagining some unsettling creature that could be lurking there, staring back at me (if it has eyes at all). I imagine something reaching up to grab the leg I'm stick out over the edge.

But they can't actually get me. They're created, sustained and dispelled by my will. They may stare at me, reach for me, but they're powerless. When I'm done with them, I send them back to the half-existence in the collection of ideas I built them from.

It's a cruel power fantasy, to make up monsters incapable of understanding that they're the lesser horror between us, but it's fun.

It also seems to help me sleep, but that might just be the fact that focusing my brain on one thing quiets all the background noise.

Covid probably saved my life.

I got bullied for about 5-6 years in school which ultimatively led to me just wanting to kill myself. Luckily for me the lockdown came so I got freed from the nightmare called school. My will to live devinetively improved, when not getting bullied the whole time you are sitting in class. However, when being in the lockdown I devinetively didnt process my feelings and thoughts about how I wanted to end myself. This led to me having almost a fill scale emotional breakdown mid class when school started, since we have been reading a play where someone killed himself and therefore learned stuff about the whole topic of suicide/mental health. Suddenly you realise, that all this shit kind of sounds very familiar for you which was quite overwhelming, but you can't let anyone see whats happening because that shit devinetively is going to get you bullied again. I never talked to a therapist about this and at this point it isn't needed, since I just went on and processed that time of my life for myself. I also kind of realised some time ago, that I also never told my family about this, but it isn't really relevant anymore and us just going to cause feelings of guilt in them for not acting.

I realized I was trans in middle school, i said something suicidal to my friend and he told on me. I never really talked to the therapists because my mom was very homophobic. I got put on antidepressants and suppressed my feelings so hard I can hardly remember my childhood.
5 years later my depression went into "full remission" couple of months before I came out. I then 180°d and got sent to the psych ward for suicide ideation this February.

The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the realization that my cat would be rubbing against my body for pets in the ~10 hours it would take for my family to find me. I was planning to buy a knife after work but broke down in the bathroom.

No matter what I do for self-care, my toenails are very sharp. I have accidentally made deep cuts on my own feet as well as others many times.

I can see true magenta. And it ain't pink.

When I was a kid I told a Special Ed teacher who I trusted that one of the gym teachers was having sex with high school students and grooming girls as young as 14.

Rather than report this to the authorities he told the gym teacher what was said. The next day the gym teacher (who was a big former semi-pro football player or something like that) cornered me and intimidated me into shutting my mouth.

2 years later a former student confronted the gym teacher's wife. In the fallout his behavior came to light and he left our school and went to teach a few towns over. The Special Ed teacher joked about it after the fact.

It was probably 20 years before I fully understood the scope of how disgusting that situation was.

My ideal partner would have exactly identical personality to me.

During highschool I would regularly imagine a "perfect crush" during bus rides. In my last year I had that "damn I was an edgy asshole during middle and highschool" moment and I wanted to change.

So since my friend group is also jerks like me I just started imitating that imaginary person until "fake it til you make it" kicked in.

Everything from my sense of humour to taste in music changed over time. I even became a slightly bit more feminine when I used to be hardcore Matt Walsh fan until this point.

I also got hobbies I just thought looked attractive like Archery. I got into computers because this.

I have no how many people I have killed probably alot wars crazy

My knife collection began because I was suicidal.

To keep myself around I got a bunch of knives so I wouldn't pick a favorite and "dissapoint" the others.

...I got better.

I was witness to a very gorey and fatal lathe accident. It was bad enough that they shut the shop down for a month and paid for some therapy.