this post was submitted on 16 Jun 2025
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I don't know if it's scary, but in the absolute core of my existence i just need my life to stop sooner rather than later.
I've always been a bit suicidal leaning but when i was stopped i never had the courage to try again.
Every single day my mind tells me "would've been better if you did, it's all a big shitshow anyway" it never misses a day. I keep telling myself to not listen to it but i do agree.
I had a certain circumstance a couple yeara ago where i was close to dieing and it brought me peace...i felt calm and became accepting of what was to come (despite the intense pain). Wife calles an ambulance which they refused to send as we were too calm for it to be believable, so we took a taxi and that's when they got to see the pain i was in and realized time was running out quick.
Bla bla bla etc etc, i got sent home a while later and the same pain returned...excruciating bone wrenching all encompassing pain and all my mind had to add was: "if this is real, just go to sleep and you won't have to wake up again".
And i did, despite this absolute tormenting pain i fell asleep so peacefully and convinced of it all ending...it was such a relief.
But i woke up after...shit.
That's the darkest corner of my existence.
That's a wild ride. Hopefully you're at least pain free now.
I don't love the idea of continuing on, but I'm not suicidal. Let's just say, if things were to end suddenly, I'm ok with that. I'll see you all later (or not, who knows?).
As long as my life isn't constant torture, I'm ok continuing on, as long as I'm able to help those that I care about. They're my reason.