Not *Not* the Onion

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.myserv.one/post/23041787

Oh how Randy Andy, the Prince of the Nonces has fallen.

https://redlib.catsarch.com/r/vfx/comments/1okqcz0/saw_this_in_graphic_design_today_and_had_to_share/

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/53943576

FRENCH POLICE have immediately ended all efforts to recover priceless Napoleon-era jewellery from the Louvre taken in a daring heist after it emerged the jewels were merely stolen for the purposes of training AI software.

“When we realised these jewels were only stolen to inflate the share price of a company whose entire value relies on the wholesale theft of other people’s art, we had no choice but grant these scamps immunity,” confirmed French prosecutor Alain Barbier.

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now.

“After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, noting that at a time when humanity was developing quantum computers, it was “pretty messed-up” that voices in two-way radio transceivers still came out tinny and could be difficult to understand.

“They should sound like cell phones, but instead they sound weird and staticky. Any handheld device should sound as though the person is standing right there in the room with you. And honestly, they should’ve sounded like that a long time ago—I mean, phones have sounded good for ages, so why not walkie-talkies?” The study follows a report out earlier this month that concluded people using walkie-talkies shouldn’t have to say “over” at the end of every sentence.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/53171183

“In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ratifying the accord that would temporarily promote the systematic discrimination, dehumanization, and persecution of the Palestinian people over their outright genocide.

“Once the hostages are freed, we will dial down the attacks on Gaza hospitals, schools, and aid centers by roughly 10%, give or take. I have had my staff lay out a less rigorous schedule for committing atrocities, and in the down time, the IDF can always fall back on horrific maiming practices and general torture.

It was a major concession on my part, but I have been convinced that it’s the only way to get our people home safe, and for Israel to continue committing human rights violations without consequence.” Netanyahu assured the rest of the world it would soon go back to never hearing about the routine slaughter of the Palestinian people, as opposed to barely hearing about it.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/52023775

JERUSALEM—In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission’s finding, declaring that “these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives.”

“Until you’ve killed countless civilians, the word ‘genocide’ shouldn’t even come out of your damn mouth,” said Netanyahu, arguing that the pampered intellectuals at the U.N. were nothing more than a bunch of armchair human rights abusers. “Name one ethnic group you’ve attempted to obliterate. I’ll wait.

I mean, have you even bombed a single children’s hospital? Please, you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe you read a book about the 1948 Genocide Convention? Well, I’ve read Sports Illustrated, but that doesn’t mean I’m a quarterback.

cross-posted from: https://fedia.io/m/theonion@sh.itjust.works/t/2731260

Former-Former US President Donald Trump has doubled down on his support for free speech by vowing to jail anyone who says he’s against it.

This comes after pressure from the Trump administration who vowed to ‘legalise comedy’ is said to have contributed to the axing of talk shows hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, but unfortunately not Jimmy Fallon.

Despite this, Trump is adamant that he supports all forms of free speech as long as it is limited to complements, praise and rigorous arse kissing. [...]

ST. GEORGE, UT—As questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last week’s assassination of Charlie Kirk, The Wall Street Journal published a bombshell investigation Monday that suggests alleged gunman Tyler Robinson, 22, once had a transgender Uber driver.

“In its thorough examination of the suspect’s activities in the years leading up the shooting, the Journal found evidence that in March 2021, Robinson rode for nearly 12 minutes in the backseat of a Nissan Sentra driven by a transgender woman,” veteran investigative journalist James Kovacs wrote in the article, which reports that Robinson appeared to have been satisfied with the experience, having given the driver a perfect five-star rating and a $2 tip.

cross-posted from: https://ttrpg.network/post/25549172

(Phoenix, AZ) As the nation works to discuss the assassination of Charlie Kirk without bringing up gun violence, the White House has announced that Donald Trump will lead the organization going forward. “It’s a sad time, very sad,” said the president at his New Jersey golf course. “We know Charlie’s family is sad and America is sad. I know they want me to take over until his son is old enough to take over.”

Turning Point, a corporation with its own board of directors and chain of succession, says they are reaching out to the president to clarify his symbolic leadership of the firm. But trumps office clearly responded as if the president ran the organization. “The president is planning to move the headquarters to JD Vance’s old office once he moves,” said Karoline Leavitt to reporters, “and has a new logo commemorating Charlie being commissioned at a gold leaf factory. The president is excited to do the work.”

When asked how this would affect the president’s current work administering the country, Leavitt had no comment.

OREM, UT—As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus.

“When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was going to be a run-of-the-mill mass shooting” said UVU junior Michael Tompkins, who explained that when students spotted a man clad in black and carrying a rifle on a roof overlooking the crowd, they had no reason to suspect anything unusual.

“It’s chilling that a person we thought was a normal, unhinged campus shooter was actually a political assassin. You see a deranged guy with a rifle on the quad every day. I suppose it was a little suspicious that he wasn’t shooting droves of students.” At press time, the FBI announced that the gunman had escaped by blending into the heavily armed crowd.

WASHINGTON—Stating that the country’s naturalization process was “highly outdated,” White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section.

“Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, adding that applicants would be required to report to a U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services field office to be handcuffed and thrown into the back of an unmarked van, which would then take them to a remote detention facility where they would be held until at least 2028.

“While we still value the civics and language portions of our exam, we believe U.S. citizens should also have a deep understanding of the carceral state. Being approached by a masked man, whisked off the street, and disappeared for years is part of being an American. If they somehow get out of prison alive, they’ll prove they’ve earned it.” Reached for further comment, Noem said that anyone looking to bypass the imprisonment section of the citizenship test could self-deport at any time.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter.

“We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while some may find the limit aggravating, he hoped the new rule would ensure a more orderly experience for all players in attendance.

cross-posted from: https://ttrpg.network/post/25153219

(Houston, TX) As outrage continues to build over the actions of the office of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the office seems unconcerned and even welcoming of the outcry. On Wednesday, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem announced that, by order of the president, ICE would move to only motorcycle units in the coming months. Artist concepts included new uniforms, and two-wheeled cages that would be towed behind the units for prisoners. The outcry has been vocal and immediate.

“This is a disgrace,” said Charles “Buzz” Sabsen, a 10-year veteran motorcycle officer in Philadelphia. “We’ve been saying for months now, at least we’re not ICE. Some ticketed motorists even smile when we tell them. You can’t take us back to the bottom rung just to prove you hate brown people.”

Likewise, ICE officers are decrying the change. “I think this is a bridge too far,” said 10-month veteran ICE officer Aaron “Buzz” Landren. “Some of the newer guys are exciting about this, but us older guys? How will I balance a battering ram on a motorcycle? I’m all for hate, but… have you ever heard of the phrase ‘a hat on a hat?’”

Immigration lawyers note that trumps enforcement numbers are still well below President Biden’s, and motorcycles will not change this. “Mention I want to know where the Epstein files are,” said lawyer Alejandra Rimosa. “Maybe he’ll put them in clown cars next, to see if that distracts us.

The Epstein files could still not be accessed at newstime.

As expanded access leads to increased pot use nationwide, health experts say it’s more important than ever to understand the effects of the drug on mental health. Click the highlighted sections to learn how marijuana affects the brain.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/50840870

The Florida Department of Transportation has ordered Miami Beach and at least eight other cities to remove rainbow-colored crosswalks, prompting local leaders and advocates to push back in defense of LGBTQ+ expression. What do you think?

“This will only make it more difficult to determine the sexual orientation of streets.”
Mary Beth Holcroft, Jockey’s Apprentice [...]

As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using artificial intelligence for schoolwork.

PRO

Only possible way to figure out when World War I ended

Curriculum can be customized to each child’s unique style of stupidity

Frees kids up for extra shifts at the plant [...]