Not *Not* the Onion

JERUSALEM—In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission’s finding, declaring that “these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives.”

“Until you’ve killed countless civilians, the word ‘genocide’ shouldn’t even come out of your damn mouth,” said Netanyahu, arguing that the pampered intellectuals at the U.N. were nothing more than a bunch of armchair human rights abusers. “Name one ethnic group you’ve attempted to obliterate. I’ll wait.

I mean, have you even bombed a single children’s hospital? Please, you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe you read a book about the 1948 Genocide Convention? Well, I’ve read Sports Illustrated, but that doesn’t mean I’m a quarterback.