rebeccapatriciastar

so every time i close my eyes, especially in the dark or exercising for some reason, i feel the presence of a "ghost" and see an image of a dead/zombie woman etched into my mind. she is hanging and "staring" at me but she has sunglasses and i can't see her eyes, but i can feel her vacant stare. "she" is not real but it feels like an actual entity is haunting me and the more i think about "her", the more she appears. but to think "she" isn't real scares me too...

so my brain is being really weird lately. lately i have "compulsive crushes" on people where my brain tries to force myself to fixate on them and think about them and makes me have thoughts of wanting to kiss them or date them, but it doesn't feel natural and feels more platonic than anything...

furthermore, i have a gf (5-6 months) and nb queerplatonic partner (5-6 months) but my brain is obsessively, almost, convinced i need more when i myself am or am trying to be without my thoughts, happy with just them.

my brain also keeps telling me i don't deserve love or happiness, i feel empty sometimes, it makes me feel bad at everything because of my neurodivergence and it keeps telling me to break up with my partners, especially my gf since we're more romantic, and the thought won't go away even though i don't wanna break up.

these aren't my thoughts. it's calmer right now at least though.

so i know labels are overrated, some may say, and all that, but my sister thinks it's interesting to find out. it may change as she's a young teen, but she's never had a crush, as she says. in fact, as well, she's never had a sexual desire or libido, which my dad said is "abnormal as most teens are wanting to have sex", even though it's clearly ok to not want to and everyone is different.

i said she's probably aroace but i'm not too sure (i myself am a lesbian romantically on the ace spectrum). today, she said if a guy were to flirt with her or be/do something generally what people who like men would consider attractive, she wouldn't find it attractive, though she does find guy singers and actors hot. however, she saw a girl wearing attractive clothing recently and found her really pretty and attractive, though she wouldn't date her.

she says she would be happy to date someone without doing romantic things and isn't interested in kissing, but anything beyond a platonic life partner situation is a no for her. one of my partners (i'm poly) is a platonic partner (masc nb), and they felt the same way, no kissing but a platonic life partner situation is ok, and they're aroace, so i told her it was very similar to them. again, she has never felt romantic or sexual attraction towards someone, and while she does appreciate their beauty, she doesn't wanna date them or anything like that and is only ok with a platonic life partner situation without doing romantic things like kissing.

is aroace a good term? we're trying to help her figure out her sexuality and you can't say for sure, but there could be a good starting point.

we were thinking patrick might be inattentive adhd (or sometimes/formerly referred to as add) [like me], spongebob is autism + adhd (audhd) [like me, again], and we couldn't decide for squidward. would he be neurotypical??

i said that what my grandpa said, "wouldn't you run away if you saw someone covered in scabs and sores or if they looked sickly and contagious? animals tend to stay away from a sick member of their herd. that's how others feel about the gays and autistic people, they know something is different about them and stay away. it's human and animal's nature", was a good explanation as to how they are. that is not true, i didn't mean it as in that it was justified or anything, i meant i understand how they think now, viewing gay and autistic people as sick and it is truly a gross thing to think. there's something wrong with conservatives, not gay or autistic people such as myself.

"i can make you like sex" (i'm asexual)

"i can make you like men" (i'm a lesbian)

i hate when people assume they can make me like sex, men, or sex with men. i'm an asexual lesbian, i hardly want sex. i feel little to no attraction, and especially not to these creeps!!!

sadly, people don't like to believe that i show symptoms because i already have autism.

i like to look at the dsm for showing signs but i don't self-diagnose or anything.

here is a doc on the signs i show.

i am THE inattentive adhd ever.