I'm often left feeling stressed, frustrated, and exhausted by my partner.
Why?
Problem-Solving Difficulties
She struggles to handle problems as they occur. For instance, when we get invited to social events, she needs a day or two to process it before she can give an answer, which can be pretty stressful for me and those who have to wait for a response. When a stressful situation arises, she absorbs the full impact and eventually breaks down. It frustrates me because there are many strategies one could use to step out or completely solve the situation. She has difficulty zooming out to see the bigger picture and connect the dots to solve important problems or prevent them from happening again. I often feel alone in this, and when I try to explain my perspective, she doesn't seem to listen or care enough to process it and improve how we handle things in the future.
Parenting Concerns:
She quickly gives in to our 3-year-old's requests, especially when I'm not around. I worry this approach may lead to challenges for all of us later on, as it doesn't teach our child to cope with setbacks or understand reasonable boundaries. If I come home after running errands for a couple of hours, I sometimes discover she bent the rules and let our kid eat ice cream, only noodles for lunch, and candies?! What happened to only giving candy on special occasions, like birthdays or holidays, which we've both agreed is a good parenting strategy?
Physical Affection and Intimacy:
We also struggle with physical affection due to her chronic eczema. When her condition is under control, we can be more physical, which is nice. But in truth, it’s not enough for me. I can't always spontaneously hug her because her condition can change daily, and I think her lifelong eczema has made her less touchy. While I cope well with this, I can feel touch-starved.
I hate to admit it, but I don't find her sexually interesting any longer. Her sex drive is low. When tensions rise between us, she might say, "I think sex will solve the surface tension, we should have sex soon." While she's right that being close physically is good, and I commend her for her wise idea, it's rare for her to initiate. When she does, her sexual charisma/energy is very low, which honestly turns me off. It feels like she expects me to get excited without her putting in any effort to build up the mood. I've tried to encourage her to take a more active role, but she never seems to put anything into practice or build experiences together with me.
She does not "serve herself" actively during sex. I don't think she wants to explore sex further. I have offered to go down on her, for her to go down on me, to explore our current/future kinks together, to be more rowdy about sex in general... but she never picks up or takes it further. She doesn't have any kinks. Although she acknowledges my kinks and we have become comfortable discussing them, I usually feel like a burden when I bring them up, so I have stopped. She says that massage and light touching feel better than sex, which may be true for her due to her eczema, but if that's the case, we clearly don't value sex in the same way.
Communication Issues:
She often talks to me from across the apartment, assuming I can hear her perfectly. When I respond, she realizes we cannot hear each other, which stresses me out. Because now I have to "keep a tab open" to not neglect her (I have ADHD; this quickly becomes a painful act for me). I've asked her to adjust her voice so I can hear her better, but she refuses to do so and never corrects herself. Day in and day out. It's exhausting!
Her tone can come across as nagging and sharp, which feels directed at me. She insists it's just her tone and that others wouldn't react the way I do, but I disagree; I think they would react similarly.
I am curious, learning, and socializing. She doesn't really have an interest outside of work. She just wants to be comfortable. It feels like I am fluid and sudden as water, while she's rigid as a rock.
Household Management:
When she tidies, she just picks stuff up from surfaces and crams it all together on shelves or in boxes/paper bags, leaving them mixed and out in the open. She never organizes. She never goes back to her mixed containers of random items to sort them out later either. She never makes places for things to be in/on. Am I the only one who sees the logic here? If there are no designated areas for things, they will be stuck in limbo?! We either put things back where they belong or throw/recycle. We don't keep things mixed together and out in ugly containers. And I am the one with diagnosed ADHD.
I am the one "who solves" things.
Is an electric apparatus wonky? I am the one who has to fix it.
Do we need something drilled in a wall? It has to be me.
Do we need to find information about XYZ? I have to be the one deep-diving and attaining understanding.
THIS WAY OF LIVING IS EXHAUUUUUUSTING!
It has led me to want to be more comfortable and free. I now daydream about my own apartment by myself. Where she cannot bother me and I don't have to deal with seeing her handle things in ways I cannot deal with.
Now please bear in mind I haven't told you the good sides of our relationship. I have focused on what's bothering ME here.
I want to hear your takes on what I've written.
I am not looking to break up. But I just... don't know if I can keep living like this for decades after decades.
What would you do If you were me?
To Codeberg we go!