Did you ever daydream that you're a wizard? Or maybe an astronaut, or a superhero, or a secret agent? Perhaps when you snapped back to reality, you were left with an internal grin and a feeling of "heh, that would have been cool. Oh, well." Let's assume in your fantasy you were an astronaut, because although they exist, you probably aren't one.
Possibly you've had that dream, or one along the same lines, several times. Maybe more, now you come to think of it, and they started... hmm, as long as you can remember? Nothing strange about that, all kids daydream about that kind of thing. Astronauts are rare, but they've been around since before you were born, and occasionally show up in films and on TV. But when they do, they're the object of ridicule: the other characters treat the astronaut as some kind of freak, and joke about them. I don't get it, you think: being an astronaut sounds pretty cool. But your friends and family don't bat an eye at these films. You take note: astronauts aren't cool, and you'd better not let on about that daydream.
Life goes on, you grow up, and most of the time when you drift away from whatever conversation you're not listening to, you're thinking about being up there in orbit, or walking on the moon. In your spacesuit. Yeah, that would be nice. Once or twice you may read about or see a documentary on actual astronauts, and while you pretend not to be interested, every word etches itself into your memory. Just some more trivia to add to your general knowledge, you tell yourself.
You'd never deliberately seek it out, but coming across information about astronauts is always a happy acccident, and you're glad to fill in any gaps in your knowledge. You know the training schedule pretty much by heart. In all the interviews, the message is the same: "I always knew I wanted to be an astronaut; I told my parents about it almost as soon as I could speak." Strangely, you feel almost jealous.
Perhaps you have some posters of the moon up in your room. Or maybe a discreet NASA logo on your shirt. Or played an astronaut in an RPG. It doesn't mean anything; you're just so secure in your identity as "not an astronaut" that you can do it without feeling ashamed. In fact, it's almost... exciting?
One day you come across a post by someone about your age, who gave up their career as an accountant to join the space program. Turns out they didn't know all along, and just figured it out one day. That sticks in your throat a bit: some folk have all the luck. Wait, what?
You can't shake the feeling that there's something missing from your life. Something big. It's not like you're depressed, or anything, but everything just seems so... gray. Pointless. You don't hate yourself, but you wouldn't be too bothered if it all just ended one day.
And then, at last, you figure it out.
Thank you so much (^^)
Yeah, it's absolutely wild that we get to do any of this. I've been feeling the same way on and off about HRT, like it's something I'm doing just to go with the flow, as it were. Which is nonsense, I really really wanted it and it's made my life immeasurably better. But it's going to take more than a few years to shake imposter syndrome, I think.
My thoughts on bottom surgery changed the same as yours: this time last year was "I won't rule it out, but I'm happy with things as they are" and now it's my #1 source of discomfort and can't happen soon enough. And yeah, probably once it's all arranged and I can stop thinking about it, I'll forget why I'm going through with it and start doubting myself.
Mm-hm, yeah, looking back it was blindingly obvious for me too. I clearly remember being delighted to figure out how you could tuck it away to look like a girl, and showing all my friends (probably around 6 or 7?). And I still have the scar from an "accident" one time.
My big dilemma at the moment is choosing Thailand or domestic (fortunately I'm lucky enough to be just about able to afford to pay, since it's not covered by health insurance here^*^). Thailand is easy to get to, slightly cheaper, and there are a lot of experienced surgeons there, but OTOH I get stressed traveling even for vacation and I'm not sure I could cope with a hospital stay somewhere where I don't speak the language or understand the culture. So although I'm officially "still deciding", really I know what I want to do and I'm just looking for a way to justify it.
I'm naturally a bit of an agitator so as time goes on I think it's quite likely I'll get (more) involved with organizations pushing for LGBT rights and reform here. But for now I think it's OK to focus on myself, and getting where I want to be socially, physically, and mentally.
So don't feel too guilty, mmkay? <3
^*^ OK, probably nobody is going to correct me even if I don't mention this: technically the Japanese national health insurance does cover SRS for gender dysphoria, but only if you've never taken HRT, privately or otherwise. And since most places expect you to have been on hormones for a year or so, it's kind of a Catch-22.